Wednesday, February 15, 2012

New Discoveries Suggest Little Change in Valentines Day Traditions

An ancient text, only recently translated from Latin, has proven once and for all that the original purpose of valentines day was much the same as today: To make single people feel like crap. The history of Valentines day have been well known to archaeologists for a while, but this is the first text with information on the origins.
Valentines day was originally a Roman holiday, associated with Juno, goddess of Marriage (Hera to Greeks)(Why they didn't use Venus(Aphrodite), goddess of love, is something I have never understood). Juno's holiday was similar to the Valentine's day of today. When the Christians came to power in Rome, they changed all the Hellenistic holidays to Christian Holidays. The Spring Festival became Easter, The Solstace became Christmas, etc. Juno's holiday was renamed Saint Valentine's Day, but stayed pretty much the same.
The new text shows evidence of the very origin of Valentine's day. The text reads, roughly translated:
Antonius Suporius and his drunken buddies really liked to make fun of Marcus Thicaborus, so when he broke up with his girlfriend in Febuary, they vigorously made fun of him by loving (Latin word much ruder) their dates in full view of him. As this really pissed him off, they continued to do this every year, even after he had a date, as theirs were always prettier. Years later, others took up the tradition of rubbing their dates in single people's faces, sometimes more literally than others, and eventually this holiday became official and was named after the great goddess Juno. It really should have been Venus.
Never call the modern Valentine's day practice of taunting single people nontraditional again!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

New England Refuses to Accept that Patriots Sucked

Over the last few days, New Englanders refused to accept that the patriots totally sucked at the super bowl. Many theories have condensed to explain away the fact that the Patriots lost the Super Bowl by a staggering four points. The most common conspiracy states that the Giants kidnapped the actual New England Patriots prior to the big game and replaced them with a team of robots. Although the robots were originally programmed to lose by more points, the theorists say that not even robots could have lost to the NY Giants that badly.
The Supply Side Economics Club is still going to do an article in the Cornpopper, which will be reprinted here. The Cornpopper staff have supposedly attempted through every possible means to stop the article from being printed. In an unofficial statement, an unnamed editor said that the Supply Side Economics Club article was "So crazy it makes Newt Gingrich sound sane. It's like saying 'Screw the Poor' but meaning it. I must remember the yacht." He is apparently referring to the three hundred foot yacht that was donated to the Cornpopper staff from an unknown source.