Sunday, December 30, 2012

Americans Reporting Physical Revulsion to the Phrase "Fiscal Cliff"

        Over the last few weeks, reports have been coming in from the nations's doctors that the American public has grown so fed-up with the constantly-used catch-phrase 'Fiscal Cliff-
-that any use of the phrase leads to a physical reaction. Reactions can range from mere nausea and headaches to vomiting, fever, organ failure, heart palpitations. Some reports have shown another symptom, buying massive amounts of gold and guns, but that sems to only apply to Fox News Viewers. Doctors have termed the unpleasant reaction of many to the phrase "PQEIC", which stands for "Political Quagmire Extreme Irritation Syndrome". The worst reported case of this so far was when CNN did a segment on the Fiscal Cliff (*gag*) from 7:00 to 8:00 Saturday night, which experts estimate evenhandedly resulted in more emergency room visits than hurricanes Katrina and Sandy combined.
        Earlier Saturday, Steve Doocy vomited live on a Fox & Friends segment about the Fiscal Cliff(*ack*), but many doctors claim this may have been simply because he was sitting next to Gretchen Carlson and Brian Kilmeade.
        To avoid exposure to news about the Fis- You Know What, the Surgeon General has recommended that all Americans avoid contact with Television, Radio, Computers, Newspapers, and Anything Outside Their Homes. The Surgeon General Added that, "Either way, this will be over in two days. If we don't go over the you-know-what, this will all nothing but a bad memory. If we do go over, we as a country will have much more important things to worry about."

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Wicca Club: Our activities on the Solstice definitely had nothing to do with Summoning Demons

        As the investigation into the Wicca club continues, the club issued a statement denying the rumors that the club's strange activities on the solstice six days ago. The club claims that the construction of a fifty foot pentagram on the football field, centered on a pit containing a dead squirrel, with cloaked, muttering virgins at each of the five points, was "In no way an attempt to invoke supernatural powers and summon demons from the underworld. The ritual was simply a Wiccan tradition that carries no magical meaning."
        The denial puzzled many people, as there are no accounts of anyone saying that the Wicca club was summoning demons prior to the announcement. There have, however, been rumors that the Rockettopia School Board is considering forcing the disbanding of the Wicca Club. However, as a School Board official who declined to be named pointed out, "The Supreme Court says the Westboro Baptist Church and the Church of Scientology are legitimate religious groups. By this definition, the KKK, the American Nazi Party, or anyone else who claims they are a religious group, are a religious group. The Wicca Club is definitely a legitimate religious group, regardless of weather they are summoning demons. If we ban them from practicing their religion, we'll have the ACLU to deal with."
        The Zombie Club warned that the summoning of demons was "Dangerously close to the summoning of undead, which is our exclusive territory."

Friday, December 21, 2012

CNN Special Report: Ohio Dog Behaving Oddly

        This is breaking news via CNN! A dog in Ohio has been reported to be acting strangely! At around ten AM today, the dog, a Pomeranian named Muffin, began to run in circles around trees and cringe at the sight of cats, squirrels, and cars. The dog's owner, who declined to be named, told Wolf Blitzer that she had "Never seen Muffin acting like this since last mon-", but was cut off before she could finish.
        On Anderson Cooper 360, internationally renowned new age mystic Peace Ohwagher stated that the dog was foretelling the end of the world, as the Mayans predicted. However, at one thirty-seven the dog abruptly began acting normally again. Psychics are currently debating what this means. Meanwhile, Wolf Blitzer is rushing to Washington D.C, where someone claims to have seen a moderate Republican. We here at News from Rockettopia are skeptical.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Mayan Apocalypse PROPERLY Explained

        Okay, we here at News from Rockettopia have to apologize for out interview with the Existential Club, which we sorta screwed up. Here to give us the truth about the Mayan Apocalypse is someone who is undoubtedly an expert on Mayan culture, possibly the world's greatest expert, an actual Ancient Maya Ghost! Our thanks to our volunteer, who wishes to remain anonymous, who stuck a stingray spine through his tongue and used it to pull a string of briars through, providing the blood we needed to make the ghost appear.1 Unfortunately, the ghost does not speak English, so we found a nearby Maya speaker. However, she speaks Maya and Spainish only, so we got the first Spanish speaker we could find to translate (What can we say? We're in a hurry!).

Interviewer: In the recent days, we've been hearing a lot about the so called 'Mayan Apocalypse'. A lot of people believe you said the world would end on December 21st 2012. However, people who know what they're talking about say that this is a load of nonsense. What can you tell us about it?

Transalator #1: En los últimos días, hemos estado escuchando mucho acerca de la llamada "Apocalipsis maya". Mucha gente cree que usted dijo que el mundo se acabaría el 21 de diciembre de 2012. Sin embargo, las personas que saben lo que están hablando de decir que esto es un montón de tonterías. ¿Qué nos puede decir al respecto?

Transalator #2:

Translator 2: ¿Qué? Nunca hemos dicho que el mundo se acaba, y mezclar cerveza con harina de maíz y agua salada repelente!

Translator 1: What? We never said that the world is ending, and beer mixed with cornmeal and salt water repellent!

Interviewer: Then what did you say would happen on December 21st 2012?
Ghost (Via translators): We want to remember things, and it's reassuring to think that I still remember it.

Interviewer: So nothing will happen on December 21st?\

Ghost (Via translators): Well, will be the next solstice and began b'ak'tun, which is cause for great celebration, but much more. I guess you can specify a range of ball games and human sacrifice?

Interviewer: Okay, it was nice speaking to you. Thank for helping us!

Ghost (Via translators): As attractive as you look, it is not acceptable to engage in such acts in public in my culture. 

There you have it! The world will not be ending! Which we knew already.

Guys, she's bleeding again! Someone call 911!

This is really interesting and definately worth your time:
More about the Mayan non-doomsday:

1. They really did this. You can't make this stuff up.

The Mayan Apocalypse Explained

        Most of you probably know that many people believe the world will end tomorrow, December 21st 2012. Some people have been hoarding guns and hiding in bomb shelters. Most disturbingly,  thousands of new agers have congregated at the tiny (pop. ~200) French village of Bugarach, which many people believe is the place where alien spaceships will arrive to save us. 1. Here at News from Rockettopia, we decided to try to find believers to explain the Mayan Long Count to us. The only people willing to talk to us were the members of the Existential Club.

Reporter: Hello! Please tell us a little about yourself and the Existential Club.
Jim: Hey dude. We're the dudes who sit around and contemplate the mysteries of the universe while all you people go on with your little day-to-day stuff. We're this close to getting it, man!
Reporter: Before we continue, there's something I think we need to clear up. A lot of people [Everyone we talked to] said that the Existential Club is really about sitting around doing drugs. Is that true?
Jim: No, dude, that's like, waaay off base! Our club is about finding the meaning of life, not about doing marijuana. Or cocaine. Or heroin. Or opium. Or peyote. Or LSD. Or Meth. Or bath salts. Or toads. Or those funny beetles we found yesterday that make your tongue feel like it's having se... [He continues like this for some time]
Reporter: I'm sorry for the confusion, but some people pointed out that there's also a Philosophy club, and they meet in a classroom while you meet in a shed. But I didn't come to talk about you, although I'm sure you're very interesting. We want to know about the Mayan Apocalypse.
Jim: Oh, total downer! Tomorrow is the day the Mayans predicted the world would end! See, a big giant comet is gonna smash the dark side of the moon, which makes the moon come closer to earth, because, ya know, physics stuff, dude. So the moon pulls on the ocean, makes the ocean rise up and drown all the continents! It's really a shame, dude, because the earth is so awesome, man! We're gonna have a huuuge meeting at Dave's house tonight to try to find the meaning of life before it's too late! If you wanna come, dude, there's plenty of snacks for everyone!
Mike: Hey! Mister reporter dude! Jim's a great dude but he's waaay off with this one! The alien battlefleets from the planets Zik and Wagar will collide at earth and anhi-... anni... you know, wipe out each other and the entire solar system! See what war does to people?
Dave: No, I read on the interwebs that the entire earth's gonna flip upside-down and the people won't be used to it so we'll all fall off!
Sara: You dudes are sooooo wrong! It's the Dinosaurs! After like, a million years or something, they are coming out of hibernation to take back the world!
Bill: No, I heard on the history channel...
Reporter: I'll just go now...

So that settles it. It's either a comet hitting the moon, an alien space battle, the earth flipping upside-down, the return of the dinosaurs, or something else. Good luck surviving.

For those of you who want to know more about the imminent non-apocalypse, here are some good sources:

1. This is completely serious. You gotta feel sorry for those people in France.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Important Clarification

        This is a serious administrative message:

        It has come to my attention that some of our readers were under the impression that News from Rockettopia published real news. This is a fake news blog. We occasionally publish real news, such as the North Korean Unicorn, but unless news is explicitly stated to be real, it is fake. I blame myself for this misunderstanding and hope this clears everything up.

What to Expect in the Next Four Days

        As many of you already know, some people believe that the world will end this friday. Here are some things to expect relating to this.

        In the next four days: Nonstop History Channel end-of-the-world specials. They know that, one way or another, this market is not going to last long.

        On December 21st: Nonstop 24-hour news coverage of every little event that might possibly have something to do with the apocalypse. People doing things that they always wanted to do but knew they'd regret.

        Moments before midnight, December 21st: A massive crash in Apocalypse stock. Also a big crash in the Mayan Calendar industry.

        December 22nd: A lot of people doing emergency Christmas shopping. Also a lot of I-told-you-sos. People regretting the things they did yesterday when they thought the world would end. People burning their Mayan calendars, lawn signs, and bumper stickers. Maybe even a few tattoo removals. All this is assuming we're still here, of course.

        January 1st: The fiscal cliff. You know, the actual end of the world.

Monday, December 17, 2012

NRA: Democrats "Might use this as an excuse to save our children"

Warning: This article is unusually venomous. It's just that all those dead children was kind of upsetting.
        A spokesman for the National Rifle Association responded today to the horrific mass shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, with a warning: "This is a tragedy; Obama and the Democrats might use this as an excuse to save our children." The terrible shooting, which took place on Friday at Sandy Hook Elementary School, killed 27 people, 20 of them children. Democrats and gun legislation advocates have since begun pressing for legislation that would stop these kinds of horrors. The NRA, however, has pushed back hard. Here is a full transcript of the spokesman's speech:

        "You all are by now aware of the incident that took place in Newtown on Friday. A mentally unstable man shot his mother with her own assault rifle, then traveled to a school and killed 26 more people, 20 of them children. This is a tragedy; Obama and the Democrats might use this as an excuse to save our children."
        "This incident, along with others recently such as the one in Aurora, the shopping mall, the NFL, and the Sikh temple, has given the anti-American evildoers who want to prevent such things an excuse to press their nonviolent rhetoric. Obama has never threatened to pass any sort of gun control or passed any gun control. Now that he has won a second term, he may carry out the promises that he did not make! We must stall any sort of legislation until America once again forgets the shock of the news of another mass shooting. We MUST live in a nation where Americans never have to go through the shock and soul-searching that happens after a shooting. Because...  in our ideal nation...  this is nothing unusual.
        The fact that Adam Lanza was able to easily acquire an assault rifle without going through any sort of security check highlights a painful truth: We need more gun freedom. Until every American can get a full-sized machine gun out of a vending machine in a gas station so they can quickly respond to a threat, we are not safe. Until every elementary school child has a gun they are trained to use and to carry at all times, we are not safe. Only hours before Lanza started his attack and a world away, a man in China also attacked a school. However, since due to China's strict gun laws, he did not have a gun, all 22 of his victims are still alive. We must not become like China! We are America! Remember, American exceptionalism! We have a nation that has eight times the gun violence of other industrialized nations! We must never give up our freedom to watch our children DIE!"

In all likelihood, he would have continued, but at this point the speaker fell over with a bullet in his head.


Friday, December 14, 2012

North Korea Launches Satalites, Newscasters Declare: "This means ANYTHING is possible"

         This Wednesday, North Korea announced that they had successfully launched a satellite into orbit. News anchors and pundits took this in stride, making jokes and generally taking the announcement with a grain of salt. But then a report came out that stunned the world into a shocked and horrified silence: the reports of the satellite launch might be true.
        Further investigations showed that North Korea had, in fact, launched a 3-stage rocket carrying a satellite into orbit. As North Korea's missile tests have barely cleared the country to crash into the ocean, the world took the news that the North Koreans had managed to pull off a success in their ballistics program as a message that, in the words of CNN's Anderson Cooper: "This means ANYTHING is possible!"
        Other newscasters and pundits jumped on board. ABC news announced that China had legalized unions and set a minimum wage. NBC told the world that the UN nations had voted unanimously to forgive all the world's debt. MSNBC declared that unemployment was down to 3%, and FOX news presented a 3-hour expose about the UN's plans to kidnap our children for their army and form a one-world government. With further investigation, News from Rockettopia found that the latter of these represented no significant change. Weather forecasters are currently predicting 90º temperatures for Canada and 3 feet of snow in Rio de Janeiro. One particularly optimistic forecaster predicted a rain of kittens and bolts of silk in Nevada. A less ambitious forecaster predicted a rain in Nevada.
        Reporters stopped short, however, at predicting an agreement in Washington. As CNN's Wolf Blitzer put it: "You can only go so far with this."

        UPDATE: A new report showed that the Korean Satellite might have an irregular and out-of-control orbit. The North Korean Government has denied this claim. Finally, some semblance of reality has been restored.

Further Reading:

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Psy Apologises for 2004 Song Praising the Killing of US Troops: "I never thought anyone would ever know or care"

        Yesterday, the hit K-Pop singer and creator of 'Gangam Style' apologized for his 2004 song that praised the killing of American soldiers in Iraq. In his words: "I never thought anyone would know or care." The song, titled "Dear American", condemns the Iraq war and has lyrics that read:
 "이라크 포로를 고문해 댄 씨발양년놈들과고문 하라고 시킨 개 씨발 양년놈들에딸래미 애미 며느리 애비 코쟁이 모두 죽여아주 천천히 죽여 고통스럽게 죽여"

Which, transalated, reads: 
"سخيف تعذيب السجناء العراقيين دان وكمية من مجال للحدائق
وقال مستشار لك شيت على كمية من مجال للحدائق
الطفل ايمي ابنة في القانون آبي Ofay قتل
قتل ببطء جدا له معاناة."
Which, in English, reads:
"F**king torturing Iraqi prisoners Dan and the amount of room for gardeners
Advisor told you to S**t on the amount of room for gardeners
Baby Amy daughter-in-law Abby Ofay kill
Very slowly killing him suffer."

(God, translating programs are bad!)

Which, when transalated by a human into English, reads, roughly:
"Kill those **** Yankees who have been torturing Iraqi captives
Kill those **** Yankees who ordered them to torture
Kill their daughters, mothers, daughters-in-law, and fathers
Kill them all slowly and painfully"

Or possibly:
All the **** Yankees torturing Iraqis
  All those **** Yankees who ordered the torturing
Kill their daughters, mothers, daughters-in-law and fathers
Kill them very slowly and painfully."
Or maybe something else that sounds similar and might have a completely different meaning:
"The **** despicable Western women and men who tortured Iraqi war prisoners and
Dog **** despicable Western women and men who gave orders to torture
Their daughter, mother, daughter-in-law, father the big-nose, kill all
Very slowly kill, painfully kill."

Ok, screw translation. Back to the topic. Psy argued that the song was excusable because at the time, as he said, "I never even imagined a situation in which anyone would remember, know, or care about this cover of another band's song that I did." Some people have critisized this statement, arguing that it was not a real apology. Others have argued that this is a good thing, as that makes this statement more honest than every apology given by a politician since Oog claimed that he had no knowledge about whether the cave-painting of a loincloth that appeared on his wall was of him or not.

Former presidential candidate Mitt Romney expressed sympathy with Psy, stating, "The exact same thing happened to me!"

INS (In all Seriousness): Those of you interested in the actual story, I recommend reading this:

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Obama says America 'Might Leave Afghanistan Someday'

        In a press conference yesterday, president Obama announced that he has plans to 'Maybe leave Afghanistan someday.'. American troops have been in Afghanistan for over ten years, and the region is as unstable as ever. Obama plans to withdraw from Afghanistan by 2014, unless it is necessary to stay longer, which looks increasingly likely. America will withdraw from Afghanistan when the Afghan military is capable of fighting the Taliban on it's own. However, after this year's surge of attacks on Americans by Afghan troops, some wonder if the Taliban are the ones who the Afghan army wants to fight. Many experts believed that America would have a military presence in Afghanistan until the sun goes out in approximately 5 Billion Years, but Obama's announcement of a 'Someday' withdrawal date has some experts daring to hope that America will leave by 2143. "It's still a while", one expert quipped, "but it's a huge improvement on before.".

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Rockettopia to Send Washington D.C. Emergency Shipment of Preschool Teachers

        As the the gridlock in Washington D.C. is beginning to seem like it might ease, as was once thought impossible, the Rockettopia Town Council yesterday decided to do it's patriotic duty and approved an emergency shipment of preschool teachers to help congress work out a compromise.
        When asked about this decision, the head of the town council remarked, "I've had this idea for a while now, but the teachers always said that when a a toddler is throwing a tantrum, it's impossible to reason with them, and the same can be said for congress. But now that congress is feeling like it can talk about the problem, we hope that our best preschool teachers will be able to help them work out an agreement. "
         After the announcement about the emergency shipment was made, I caught up with a member of the crack team of preschool teachers who will be sent on the mission. She asked that her name not be released, but was willing to talk. "I'm honored by being chosen for this assignment, and I expect that we will be able to make some progress with Congress, even if they are more temperamental than any toddler I've ever dealt with. It will be hard work, but sooner or later the top legislative body in the country will understand that to work together, both sides have to give up a little to get a little."
        Senate minority Mitch McConnell responded to the teachers by speaking to congress about the dangers of public education, but the teachers remain optimistic  "It's a once-in-a-lifetime challenge, but I think Congress will come around. Otherwise, God help us all."