Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Locker Fire Caused By Joint thrown by Unaccounted-for Pocketknife-carrying Student into Unused Locker filled with Inappropriate Clothing

        Sources close to the principal ('s cat) say that today's fire in Rockettopia High School was caused by an unaccounted-for, pocketknife-carrying student throwing a joint in a locker full of inappropriate clothing. According to reports, the student had just taken an elevator up to the third floor, despite lacking any sort of medical need, and was distracted while texting on his phone. The fire, which resulted in a complete evacuation of the school into the freezing cold, enraged all students who did not have tests during that period.  The RHS Detective Club has sworn to find the perpetrator of the incident and bring him to justice. When asked what they would define as justice, one detective answered, "Standing outside in the blipping cold for ten blipping minutes! After that kind of experience, he'll most likely join the clergy."
        The principal has used the incident to call for enforcement of the dress code, which is currently not enforced in regions including... the entire school. However, this announcement did have some unintended consequences, as today alone, five girls with skirts deemed 'too short' were found locked in the janitor's closets. Thankfully, they were not otherwise harmed. Some clubs also called for new clothing-rules that, according to the Rockettopia High School Civil Liberties Union, "Make Sharia clothes look like Victoria's Secret." But, even they agree, it would be worth it to avoid ever having to go outside in weather that cold again.
        Although the Pocketknife-joint-elevator-phone-clothes story is nearly universally accepted by the school community at large, some clubs suspect that this is not the whole story. Some religious clubs blamed the fire on Gay Marriage. The NRA Club President was quoted as saying: "If someone in the area had been carrying a gun, they could have shot that bastard before he had a chance to give us all frostbite." The Supply-side Economics club proposed solving the problem by cutting taxes on the rich. When we sent a reporter to ask what that had to do with anything, and how that even works in a school environment where there are no taxes, he reported that the Supply-Side Economics Club Spokesman pretended not to hear the question and just kept whistling until our reporter left him alone.
       Even though the name of the person responsible for the incident has not yet been disclosed, it has been leaked that he has already sold the movie rights.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Goth vs. Goth Prank Goes Horribly Awry

        Blood was spilled yesterday after a Science Club prank introduced Rockettopia High School's Goths to actual Goths went horribly wrong. The Goths were a powerful Germanic tribe that played an important role in the destruction of the Roman Empire. Today's Goths are people, generally young people, who generally, dress in black, wear chains, wear heavy make-up, and have tattoos.
        Since the horrible incident yesterday, some staff and students have been able to piece together an account of what happened. The Science Club apparently thought it would be funny to use the RHS Particle Accelerator to go get ancient Goths and introduce them to modern Goths. However, the two Goth groups did not get along. Only minutes after they arrived, the Goths were sent running back to the Early Medieval Age, with both themselves and their pride seriously injured. On the upside, the Archaeology Club now has an abundance of artifacts to investigate.
        Following the incident, the Science Club was banned from using the Particle Accelerator for two months.

Lance Armstrong Apologizes for Doping; "I would never have done it if I had known I would be caught"

As expected, Lance Armstrong confessed to using performance-enhancing drugs in his interview with Oprah Winfrey. In his own words, "I made a terrible mistake by using drugs to enhance my performance. I mean, not the same way Viagra does. A different kind of performance. Aww, hell! I realize now I made a terrible mistake and ruined what could have been a great career. I swear, I never would have done it if I realized I'd be caught! I mistakenly believed that even if I was incredibly good at biking, as long as I vigorously denied my crimes, I would never found out, and what the world doesn't know won't hurt them, ya know? I became an idol to the world because I used these drugs, but I ruined it all by using these drugs." Some in the media have called Armstrong's confession "unrepentant"(Sports Illustrated), "morally deficient"(ABC), "horrifyingly soulless"(ESPN), "Hey! Look at this cool touch-screen!"(CNN), and "f**king stupid"(Jon Stewart). However, we at News from Rockettopia still point out that, well, it's still a step up from every politician ever.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Baboons Object to Being Compared to Congress

In response to a spreading rumor that a collection of Baboons is correctly called a congress, the BaboUN, the spokesgroup for Baboons as a species, issued a statement condemning the concept.

"A group of Baboons is correctly called a 'troop', not a 'congress' [Source: Politfact]. But that is beside the point. Our real issue is the insulting comparison that has been drawn between ourselves and the United States Government. While we Baboons are well known for biting one another, howling at one another, and extreme feats of mysogeny, our species has never done anything to deserve the offensive label of 'congress'. Sure, we have our issues; everyone does! But just try to find a record of a Baboon tweeting his crotch to a woman across the country, or fillibustering his own bill, or claiming rape is the will of God, or listening to Paul Ryan. We are a distinguished species, and we will not tolorate this comparison. Please retract these statements, or we be will be forced to unleash upon you a devestating barrage of s**t, which, remember, is still cleaner than most of what congress says. And remember, unlike Congress, we are working to improve our reputation."

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Representative Bill Stoner: "I will vote to confirm Chuck Yeager only if Obama Admits he was Born in Lasagna"

        Rockettopia's representative to Congress in Washington DC said that he would "Vote to confirm Chuck Yeager only if President Obama admits he was born in Lasagna." Critics pointed out that it was Chuck Hagel, a former Nebraska Senator, not Chuck Yeager, the first man to fly faster than sound, who was president Obama's nominee, and that Lasagna is a dish and not a location (Did you mean Kenya?). Representative Stoner was unavailable for comment.
        In other news, the Representative's office stated that he was firmly and unconditionally opposed to the bill put forward by President Obama to ban all firearms, which critics pointed out was unnecessary as no such bill exists, and denied a rumor that the Congressman had engaged in an extramarital affair.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Speaker Boehner to Senator Reid: "Go f**k yourself". We're Serious.

 Editor's Note: As you know, this is a fake news blog. However, occationally some news catches my attention that is so completely comicaly absurd that I just HAVE to post it (These days, the standards are pretty high. For example, the North Korean Unicorn Lair a few weeks ago.) Enjoy!

        Last Friday, Politico reports, House Speaker John Boehner told Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to, in his own words, "Go f**k yourself". Reid had publicly accused Boehner of running a 'dictatorship' in the House in order to hold onto his post as Speaker. Nevertheless, when Boehner instructed Reid to f**k himself, Reid replied with a surprized "What are you talking about?". To this, Boehner repeated, "Go f**k yourself." Boehner was later (We're not making this up) seen bragging about the incident to his fellow teenagers Republicans.

The Politico Story

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Philosophy Club: 'Don't Say That 2013 Couldn't Be As Weird As 2012'

        The Philosophy club has embarked on a campaign to make sure no one utters the phrase: "At least the next year couldn't be as weird as the last o- OW! That was unnecessary!" The club warns that suggesting that the bizarre and in some cases unessential events of the past year, such as the Aurora Shootings, the Newtown Shootings, the Oak Creek Shootings, the Clackamas Shooting, the Benghazi Attack, and Rick Santorum, could not be surpassed this year would be "Tempting luck" and "Not worth the risk". A leader of the club elaborated: "We're undecided about whether such statements actually effect the events that will unfold, but we're in agreement that it's definitely not worth taking that chance. I'm not sure the world could handle the kind of craziness we saw in 2012 for another year. At least there's no election!"

Senator Kerry to Resign; Take Position As Secretary of State!
Massachusetts Must Hold Special Election to fill Seat