Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Poll Finds 50% of Rockettopia High School Teachers Cannot Tell the Difference between Twitter and Angry Birds

        The entire student body was horrified today when a new poll showed that among Rockettopia High School teachers, nearly half believed that Twitter and Angry Birds were the same thing. "I always just thought it was 'Angry Twitter-Birds' that all the kids were playing in the hallway. But now they say that Twitter is a 'Social Network'? Those kids and their gosh-darn gadgets!" commented one teacher, whose name we are politely not revealing. For those of you who live in caves without wifi, Twitter is a social networking website that limits posts to 140 characters, while Angry Birds is a front for Al-Qaeda.   Some students have been attempting to help the teachers understand the difference by writing essays in 140 characters and throwing bird-shaped objects through windows. Still, the problem persists.

Speaking of Twitter, we here at News from Rockettopia now have a Twitter account! As you probably noticed because it's on every page! Now be a dear and press that 'Follow' button.

Movie Director Severely Wounded after Turkey Attack

          In a terrible attack yesterday, popular movie director Colin Trevorrow was hospitalized with serious injuries following a deadly turkey attack. According to reports released by Trevorrow's agent, the director of Safety Not Guaranteed showed that this was certainly true in his case when six large male turkeys somehow entered his hotel and confronted him in the kitchen. Despite the director's attempts to hide behind counters and cooking implements, he was eventually found by the birds, which then attacked him seemingly with the goal of ending his promising career. Fortunately, a hotel staff member found Trevorrow under attack and called 911, then proceded to heroically beat the birds back with a broom, probably saving the director's life. EMTs quickly rushed Trevorrow to the hospital, where he is in critical condition but expected to survive. 
          Some have blamed the tragic attack on the Rockettopia High School Paleontology Club. A controversy has been brewing over the last week after Trevorrow, who has been picked to direct Jurassic Park IV, explicitly tweeted that his dinosaurs will have "No Feathers". This has sparked outrage among everyone who knows anything about dinosaurs, the most prominent local group being the RHS Paleontology Club. According to some suspicions, the Paleontology Club released the turkeys into Trevorrow's hotel in the hopes of injuring him or at least changing his mind. To counter these accusations, the Paleontology Club released the following statement: "We here at the RHSPC are saddened about the tragic attack on Colin Trevorrow, who we greatly admire. We are thankful that the animals attacking him lacked claws, talons, and massive teeth evolved for ripping through flesh. If this was not the case, the director might not be here today. We are sure he will never think a turkey looks silly again."
          The club has also been encouraging people to tweet Trevorrow (@colintrevorrow) about the feathers issue with the hashtag #YesFeathers. WE CAN DO IT!!!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Earth Day Issue: Earth Complains about Week-late Birthday Parties, Green Team Hosts Cleanup, and SSE Hosts Coal-burning Protest

The planet Earth herself spoke out today to complain about the distressing number of Earth Day events sceduled a week after the actual celebration. "It's kinda annoying", the planet told reporters. "I just want to yell 'It was last week idiots!'" Earth has not spoken on the issue since.

The Rockettopia Cleanup Committee has a massive cleanup planned for this weekend, a week after earth day (*sigh*). The RHS Green Team, which is helping at the event, hopes to see a lot of RHS students at the event. "We hope we can make a dent in this town's significant litter problem. We have a problem in this town with plastic bags, other bags, plastic cups, tin cans, plastic bottles, rusted car parts, rusted cars, and a stranded World War II-era battleship. Not sure how that got there." When we asked the president why RHS students should attend the cleanup, she replied that there would be food, but refused to give details. A team member who wished to remain anonymous told News from Rockettopia that the contents of the snacks had been kept confidential in fear of a stampede of volunteers. "We're hoping for a few dozen people, and a few hundred would be wonderful. But if we told everyone about the refreshments, we might be dealing with crowds of a hundred thousand and above." The team had apparently decided to keep the information classified after a computer model showed that volunteers might come from as far away as Montana, and the combined weight of all the humans might cause Rockettopia to sink into the ground. Still, the team says, all volunteers are welcome. [For more information, see INS Note.]

Not everyone likes Earth Day. For example, the RHS Supply Side Economics club plans to hold a Coal-burning protest to raise awareness about how environmental regulations hurt billionaires. "We're very worried that when the government tries to stop companies from, say, turning a river into a lifeless sludge flow, the government is hurting one of the most vulnerable groups in the country: Multi-billion-dollar corporations and their billionaire owners.", the president of the SSE club told us when we reached him on his private yacht. "If pointless regulations on the amount of carcinogens a coal plant releases into the air are kept in place, CEOs may have to lay off some workers to preserve their million-dollar bonuses. That would be a true tragedy, and that's why we're staging a coal-burning rally to protest this horrible attempt to preserve what's left of life on earth." As a final note, the president of the SSE club denied rumors that he practices kissing on a poster of Ayn Rand in his room. We here at News from Rockettopia could find no evidence of such rumors. In preparation for the coal-burning rally, hospitals in the Rockettopia area are prepping their internal burn wards for a flood of patients.

INS (In All Seriousness) Note: For those of you who live in...you know where, the actual cleanup is at 500 Dedham Avenue, Saturday April 27th, from 8:00 AM to ~11:00AM. Everyone is welcome, and you should come no matter how long you stay. I will actually be there, if that helps. Note: Deflate head.

Monday, April 15, 2013


We here at News from Rockettopia would like to offer our prayers and our deepest sympathies to those effected by the Boston Bombing. We have decided not to take the 'Onion Route' today. Maybe later, but probably not.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Police Sting Fails when Drug Sniffing Dogs Confused with Drug Snorting Dogs

         Recently, students from Rockettopia High School requested that the police bring drug sniffing dogs to root out RHS's drug problem. Drug sniffing dogs are, of course, dogs that have been specially trained to locate illegal drugs such as Marijuana. Drug snorting dogs are, of course, exactly what they sound like.
        Our reporters have determined that Rockettopia's drug snorting dogs were the result of a collaboration between the Existential Club and the Ecology Club. The Ecology club wanted to test their theories on the effects of benzoylmethylecgonine on the nervous systems, specifically the frontal cortex of the brain. The Existential club was bored and had too much money on their hands. The results, a few years later, were trained dogs that would quickly locate drugs, and then stop at nothing to consume them. 
        This all would have been harmless to everyone but the dogs and the ASPCA if the Rockettopia Police Department had not somehow gotten their drug sniffing dogs replaced with the drug snorting dogs. (The Spy Club denied any responsibility in the incident two hours before it actually happened) Unfortunately for the poor police officers, the dogs swiftly devoured all forms of restricted substance on school premises. The drug-craving canines tore open metal lockers with their bare paws and shredded walls to get their drug fix. By the time the national guard managed to restore control six hours later, all evidence of drug use among students was gone and the school had suffered over a hundred thousand dollars worth of damage. Fortunately, the school is expected to be fully repaired by the end of spring break. The drug snorting dogs have been sent to an addiction vet.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Paranoia Club Insists Angry Birds is a Terrorist Front

        The Rockettopia High School Investigative Club, also known as the Paranoia Club, today announced their new campaign to convince the school that Angry Birds is a front for Al-Qaeda. On past occasions  the Paranoia Club has attempted to alert the school that the moon landings were fake, that the CIA assassinated JFK, that the government brought down the world trade center, and most recently, that the government brought down the Sears Tower. Whenever someone points out that the Sears Tower (Now called Willis Tower) is still standing, the Paranoia Club responds, "That's what THEY want you to think!"
        The Paranoia club points out that Angry Birds is about flying things into towers to destroy them and kill things, which is basically what Al-Qaeda does. And now that you think about it, that does make sense... And if you add up the scrabble values for the letters in "Angry Birds", you get the same number as the scrabble value for "Al-Qaeda"! And that number is 99, which is 9 times 11! And if you take the first word in the Koran that starts with each letter in "Angry Birds" and mash them together... 


        [Okay, we got him off.] With the Paranoia Club's new press, we decided to interview the president of the Paranoia Club about his club's actions. "We don't necessarily agree on everything. We have conservative conspiracy nuts, liberal conspiracy nuts, creationists, Scientologists, birthers, 9/11 Truthers, Autism Vaccine People, and all sorts of others.", she told us. "We try not to argue about our differing views on what organization is controlling the world and what they're doing. We all work together to stop the abstract 'Other' that is definitely out to get us."
        Since their announcement about Angry Birds, the Paranoia club has seen a huge spike in membership. All of the fifteen new recruits will now have to be tested to make sure they're not robots.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Students Request Drug Sniffing Dogs for Rockettopia High

        A group of Rockettopia High School Students approached the Rockettopia School Committee this Tuesday to request drug dogs at RHS. The students were dispatched by the RHS student council, which has grown increasingly concerned about the drug problem at RHS.
        This problem was exemplified in a sting operation on March 14th that led to the arrest of two students selling Marijuana, Zoloft, and Tramadol. The student council immidietly expressed their disappointment that students were dealing illegal and prescription drugs, and the Existential Club expressed their relief that the police had not found the Cocaine, Meth, LSD, Bath Salts, Toads, Mushrooms, and Millipedes.
        The student council decided to act on the drug problem dispute half of the members not knowing what Marijuana is. When asked, one council member replied, "I'm not entirely sure. I think it's something like chewing gum. But it's really bad, I know that. If you get caught with it, the teacher asks you to stay after, which is the worst they can do, right?"
         After the local newspaper printed the names of the students who approached the school committee, the Existential Club told News from Rockettopia that they plan to give the offending students "An in-depth lesson on the fish life of Rockettopia. We expect them to be fully immersed and breathless with excitement."

Wellness Class Test Determines Which Form of Delusional Ignorance You Have

          On Tuesday of this week, the sophomores here at Rockettopia High School took the traditional Wellness* test to determine which of the two types of delusional ignorance they had.
          The unit was about something called the Locust of Control. This is whether one believes that all events are governed by free will, or all events are chance and we have no free will. There are, of course, only two opinions on the issue, both of which are delusional ignorance. There is no way to believe that some events, such as whether you win the lottery or whether you get hit by a car, are random chance and others, such as a test grade, are controlled. The idea that what country you live in helps determine your ability to climb the social ladder is quite frankly laughable, as is the concept that perhaps teaching students an oversimplified system of absolutes is a bad idea. The curriculum has been determined to be wildly successful by the teacher who teaches it and people who have no connection, and is expected to be included again next year.
          On a related note, a group of very confused RHS students have formed the Church of the Controlling Grasshopper. Meetings are Wednesdays after school in the cafeteria for all interested in attending.

*Wellness is what hippies call gym class

Monday, April 1, 2013

Today, We Salute Others

         Today is one of the few days of the year that other news sources raise their standards as high as ours (With the exception of some, such as The Onion and Fox News, which act like this all year). To honor the rest of the media who, just this once, are being really good reporters, I have decided to share some of my favorite examples of today's great reporting.