A study released today by the Journal of Things That Don't Happen In Real Life concluded that the embattled, crack-smoking mayor of Toronto does not exist. The study found that Ford's saga is so absurd that it doesn't merely push believability, it breaks right through the barrier of belief to the beautiful paradise of conspiracy. Ford simply can't be real, the study says, because people that absurd simply don't actually exist. How absurd is Rob Ford? Here's a quick refresher, helpfully provided by Jon Stewart:
Rob Ford
More Rob Ford
This man is f**king unbelievable.
Oh my god.
I can't wait to see what happens next!
Are you really still reading this? Haven't you passed out from laughing yet?
Since Ford has now admitted to smoking crack during a drunken stupor and is suspected of seeing a prostitute, snorting crack, driving while drunk, sexually harassing staffers, [I can't even think what to say here] etc. However, according to the Stupid People Research Center, stratigically located in Miami, Florida, Rob Ford does not actually exist. The leader of the study, Andrew Marinelli, wrote that "We here at the Stupid People Research Center have spent years studying amazing people such as Anthony Wiener, Herman Cain, Charlie Sheen, Donald Trump, and others. We have used this data to develop the Dumbass Scale to measure stupidity. The scale ranges from 0 to 100, and includes all conceivable levels of stupid. Toronto mayor Rob Ford scores 351 on the scale. Therefore, we have concluded that Ford and his actions are entirely fictitious."
Marinelli spends most of the paper describing the calculations involved in the Dumbass Scale and the thorough math that led the team to their conclusion. He does, however, take a few sentences at the end of the article to make some guesses about how Rob Ford came to not-exist. According to Marinelli, "Since we have virtually no data on the subject, we can only speculate on the identity of the person or organization that invented Rob Ford. It's possible that the Obama Administration invented Ford to distract people from the healthcare screwup. However, we think it's more likely that he was created by the Canadian government to make sure no one, anywhere, ever calls Canada boring again."
When interviewed later, Marinelli was asked why, if Rob Ford was ficticious, he had a record of public appearances, a birth certificate, and election wins. Marinelli responded, simply, "Math doesn't lie."
INS Note: Okay, this story was totally just an excuse to talk about Rob Ford. Will you forgive us?
