New Kickstarter Raising Money for Hit Job on Geico Marketers

The New York Times reported today that a new Kickstarter project that claims to be raising money "To hire an assassin or assassins to kill the entire Geico marketing company." The Kickstarter is capitalizing on anger over Geico's new talking painting commercials, which are, according to #TehAnnoyingThingsResearchInstitute, one of the most annoying things ever created by mankind. Over half of the five million dollar goal has been raised via Kickstarter in the two days since the project began. Prominent donors include Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mitt Romney, Carlos Slim, Tom Hanks, Kim Kardashian, and literally every person who has ever seen the ads.

Earlier today, Kickstarter released an official statement on the ads. "Our website is intended to raise money for startups, not non-profits, and in addition we oppose mass murder as a company policy." They went on to say, "However, we took a look at those Geico ads, and on second thought, we're not going to interfere just this once. Now excuse me, I need to go donate more money to those freedom fighters."

Facebook Continues Campaign to Become Abandoned and Obsolete

The Social Media giant Facebook today warned announced that this Thursday would see an escalation of its running campaign to slip into obsolescence. The campaign, code-named "Operation MySpace", began with the introduction of "Sponsored Stories" in 2011 and has escalated continuously ever since. When News from Rockettopia asked an employee, who declined to be named, about the campaign, she told us: "I was involved in Operation MySpace from the beginning. We thought that 'Sponsored Stories', you know, making unsuspecting customers into spokespeople for 55-gallon barrels of lube, would do the trick, but they just kept coming!" A weapon of mass frustration was launched later that year with the timeline bug feature, which persists to this day despite calls by everyone, ever to remove it. Facebook continued the campaign into 2012 with the introduction of mobile ads to clog up smartphone screens and hopefully drive customers away to Twitter, Tumblr, or Pintrest. And all this time, Facebook made it very clear that they would sell any personal information on a user to any client with the money.
"Quite frankly, I'm surprised that there's anyone still on Facebook at this point,", our informant told us. "I would think that at this point they'd be desperate enough to go to Google+ if need be, but we seem to have underestimated the power of brand loyalty. But we haven't given up yet."
Facebook hopes that their new autoplaying video ads in users' newsfeeds and the taunting launch of the dislike button only for private messages will manage to disgust their customer base enough to end Facebook's run as a top Social Networking site. Our contact, however, is skeptical. "If we haven't managed to drive away every man, woman, and child on Earth by now, there's no hope. We'll try, but nothing could possibly break Facebook except turning off every server in the world. That or an influx of parents."

ADDITIONAL READING!!!
http://www.theverge.com/2013/12/17/5219216/facebook-dislike-button-messenger-sticker
http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-12-17/facebook-to-start-showing-video-ads-this-week-journal-reports.html
http://www.ebizmba.com/articles/social-networking-websites
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/facebook-to-start-selling-video-ads-153126093.html
http://nbergus.com/2012/02/how-i-became-amazons-pitchman-for-a-55-gallon-drum-of-personal-lubricant-on-facebook/
http://blog.hubspot.com/marketing/history-facebook-adtips-slideshare