The Mayan Apocalypse PROPERLY Explained

        Okay, we here at News from Rockettopia have to apologize for out interview with the Existential Club, which we sorta screwed up. Here to give us the truth about the Mayan Apocalypse is someone who is undoubtedly an expert on Mayan culture, possibly the world's greatest expert, an actual Ancient Maya Ghost! Our thanks to our volunteer, who wishes to remain anonymous, who stuck a stingray spine through his tongue and used it to pull a string of briars through, providing the blood we needed to make the ghost appear.₁ Unfortunately, the ghost does not speak English, so we found a nearby Maya speaker. However, she speaks Maya and Spainish only, so we got the first Spanish speaker we could find to translate (What can we say? We're in a hurry!).

Interviewer: In the recent days, we've been hearing a lot about the so called 'Mayan Apocalypse'. A lot of people believe you said the world would end on December 21st 2012. However, people who know what they're talking about say that this is a load of nonsense. What can you tell us about it?

Transalator #1: En los últimos días, hemos estado escuchando mucho acerca de la llamada "Apocalipsis maya". Mucha gente cree que usted dijo que el mundo se acabaría el 21 de diciembre de 2012. Sin embargo, las personas que saben lo que están hablando de decir que esto es un montón de tonterías. ¿Qué nos puede decir al respecto?

Transalator #2:

Ghost:

Translator 2: ¿Qué? Nunca hemos dicho que el mundo se acaba, y mezclar cerveza con harina de maíz y agua salada repelente!

Translator 1: What? We never said that the world is ending, and beer mixed with cornmeal and salt water repellent!

Interviewer: Then what did you say would happen on December 21st 2012?

Ghost (Via translators): We want to remember things, and it's reassuring to think that I still remember it.

Interviewer: So nothing will happen on December 21st?\

Ghost (Via translators): Well, will be the next solstice and began b'ak'tun, which is cause for great celebration, but much more. I guess you can specify a range of ball games and human sacrifice?

Interviewer: Okay, it was nice speaking to you. Thank for helping us!

Ghost (Via translators): As attractive as you look, it is not acceptable to engage in such acts in public in my culture. 

There you have it! The world will not be ending! Which we knew already.

Guys, she's bleeding again! Someone call 911!

Sources:
http://translate.google.com/
http://www.event12.com/mayan_glyphs/index.html
This is really interesting and definately worth your time: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/ancient/cracking-maya-code.html
More about the Mayan non-doomsday: http://onpoint.wbur.org/2012/12/17/maya-cosmology

Footnotes:
1. They really did this. You can't make this stuff up. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloodletting_in_Mesoamerica

The Mayan Apocalypse Explained

        Most of you probably know that many people believe the world will end tomorrow, December 21st 2012. Some people have been hoarding guns and hiding in bomb shelters. Most disturbingly,  thousands of new agers have congregated at the tiny (pop. ~200) French village of Bugarach, which many people believe is the place where alien spaceships will arrive to save us. ₁. Here at News from Rockettopia, we decided to try to find believers to explain the Mayan Long Count to us. The only people willing to talk to us were the members of the Existential Club.

Reporter: Hello! Please tell us a little about yourself and the Existential Club.
Jim: Hey dude. We're the dudes who sit around and contemplate the mysteries of the universe while all you people go on with your little day-to-day stuff. We're this close to getting it, man!
Reporter: Before we continue, there's something I think we need to clear up. A lot of people [Everyone we talked to] said that the Existential Club is really about sitting around doing drugs. Is that true?
Jim: No, dude, that's like, waaay off base! Our club is about finding the meaning of life, not about doing marijuana. Or cocaine. Or heroin. Or opium. Or peyote. Or LSD. Or Meth. Or bath salts. Or toads. Or those funny beetles we found yesterday that make your tongue feel like it's having se... [He continues like this for some time]
Reporter: I'm sorry for the confusion, but some people pointed out that there's also a Philosophy club, and they meet in a classroom while you meet in a shed. But I didn't come to talk about you, although I'm sure you're very interesting. We want to know about the Mayan Apocalypse.
Jim: Oh, total downer! Tomorrow is the day the Mayans predicted the world would end! See, a big giant comet is gonna smash the dark side of the moon, which makes the moon come closer to earth, because, ya know, physics stuff, dude. So the moon pulls on the ocean, makes the ocean rise up and drown all the continents! It's really a shame, dude, because the earth is so awesome, man! We're gonna have a huuuge meeting at Dave's house tonight to try to find the meaning of life before it's too late! If you wanna come, dude, there's plenty of snacks for everyone!
Mike: Hey! Mister reporter dude! Jim's a great dude but he's waaay off with this one! The alien battlefleets from the planets Zik and Wagar will collide at earth and anhi-... anni... you know, wipe out each other and the entire solar system! See what war does to people?
Dave: No, I read on the interwebs that the entire earth's gonna flip upside-down and the people won't be used to it so we'll all fall off!
Sara: You dudes are sooooo wrong! It's the Dinosaurs! After like, a million years or something, they are coming out of hibernation to take back the world!
Bill: No, I heard on the history channel...
Reporter: I'll just go now...

So that settles it. It's either a comet hitting the moon, an alien space battle, the earth flipping upside-down, the return of the dinosaurs, or something else. Good luck surviving.

For those of you who want to know more about the imminent non-apocalypse, here are some good sources:
http://onpoint.wbur.org/2012/12/17/maya-cosmology
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/9753657/Mayan-apocalypse-French-village-pleads-with-fanatics-not-to-visit-Bugarach.html

1. This is completely serious. You gotta feel sorry for those people in France.