AGSA Should Not Have Kept Quiet About Day of Silence

The student body awoke last Friday to discover that it was the national Day of Silence. The Day of Silence, which is organized locally by the AGSA (All Genders and Sexualities Alliance), is a day on which participants keep silent to protest the social pressures that make GLBTQ teens stay silent about who they are. Unfortunately, this year the AGSA did not talk to the school beforehand about the day of silence. So when Friday 4/11 arrived, the student body was caught off-guard. Many would-be participants were forced to speak because they had not been able to fill out the paperwork in time. To be absolutely clear, yes, I am saying that at Rockettopia High School, one must fill out paperwork days in advance just to be allowed to shut up.
Although supporter badges were avalable at the doors, and many students wore them, many have spoken out encouraging the AGSA to talk to the student body about the Day of Silence next year.

RHS Addiction Task Force Going After 2048

The Rockettopia High School administration announced today that they would be forming a task force to go after the highly addictive game 2048. Since it was published less than a month ago, 2048 has achieved a large following among everyone on the internet. The decision to go after 2048 came after a new study by the RHS Studying-Things Club found that 'playing 2048' is now the number one use of school computers, beating out the previous front-runners, 'watching porn' and 'using them as bongs'. "This logic-skill-building game 2048 has been wasting vital time that students could be using to do something productive like write an essay over-analyzing The Bean Trees.", the Principal told News from Rockettopia. "It must be stopped."
We here at News from Rockettopia are glad to see the administration switching its focus from marijuana to something actually addictive. Now, must... play... 2048. I'm sure I can spare just one more night's sleep!

School Musical Message: Repression is For Your Own Good

The Rockettopia High School production of Urinetown last weekend was stunningly successful. The performance was carried by amazing actors, skilled set design, a hardworking crew, and the overarching message that repression is for your own good.
For those not familiar with the musical, Urinetown is the story of a town in which all toilets are controlled by the Urine Good Company (UGC) and charge admission fees. Those who cannot pay the fees are executed. Eventually, a popular revolt deposes the dictatorial leaders of the UGC and make toilets free. And then they all die when the water runs out. Because what were they supposed to do, build outhouses or composting toilets or something?
 The underlying theme that the musical is intended to convey, according to the director, is that "However bad the authority's treatment of you may seem, however arbitrary and oppressive their rules, they're looking out for your own good and you should just go along with it." The obvious application of this message in everyday life is in marijuana. "We crack down on anyone who we catch with marijuana," the RHS principal told News from Rockettopia, "and we don't give a good reason why except that it's for some reason illegal and you should just do what we tell you. Our production of Urinetown was intended to drive home the message that these kinds of rules are for your own good, that you can't be expected to understand what they're for, that it's right to deal harshly with those who disobey or question, and that if you don't do as we say, bad things will happen."

RHSN Screws Up School Musical Information, Still Better than CNN

Despite the many screw-ups in the Rockettopia High School News coverage of the school musical, their coverage is still better than most of CNN, according to the Media Analysis Agency. The report, which was delivered today and represented a change from 'boring and stupid' to 'boring, stupid, and inaccurate', began with footage of chairs in what was may have been the wrong auditorium and and peaked when the voice-over claimed that the performance was by the charity group Students Acting to Make a Difference. While SAMD is a great charity, it is not in fact interchangeable with Rockettopia High School, as the narrator of that segment will probably learn a few minutes before he is fired.
Although the coverage was terrible, it was still better than CNN, said the MAA. RHSN, after all, has never sent two reporters to talk to each other from the same parking lot, which really happened I'm serious.
When the musical, Urinetown, is performed this weekend at the Neumann School Auditorium, we will cover it here at News from Rockettopia, but everyone should still go see what we assume, admittedly based on no evidence, will be an amazing production.

Mysterious Posters Confound School Officials

School authorities are scratching their heads after mysterious posters appeared around Rockettopia High School this Monday. The posters, which appear to satirize school-authorized anti-marijuana posters, feature a cynical image, a masterfully faked approval stamp, and a link to a certain blog that some of our readers may have heard of. We at News from Rockettopia want to make it clear that we have no idea where these disruptive and subversive posters originated, and in no way had this article already written before the posters appeared. We hope that the pranksters behind this are brought to justice soon, but they would seem to be far to intelligent and devious to be caught.
Below is an image of the poster that is without question a photograph:

School Staff Somehow Manages To Screw Up Propaganda Posters

The Rockettopia High School administration continued to demonstrate its ability to bungle even the most basic tasks earlier this week when it was discovered that they had somehow managed to screw up a simple 'Say-No-To-Drugs' poster. The poster, which attempted to inform students that eight out of ten students don't smoke pot, would have been simply ignored by everyone if it hadn't contained the cryptic message "Fun Fact: The Hawaiian alphabet has twelve letters!". The message appeared in tiny letters, and was so strange and out-of-place that the only people who would be interested were those already high, which may have been the point.
But, as it was discovered this week, the crimes of the administration go beyond attempting to stop students from smoking pot: The Hawaiian alphabet actually has eighteen letters and eleven diphthongs, whatever the hell those are.
I will pause here while those of you who are stoned muse about the word 'diphthong' for five minutes.
...
It's not quite clear how the RHS poster-makers screwed this one up; a simple Google search of 'Hawaiian alphabet' quickly redirects one to this Wikipedia page, which explains the proper number of letters and diphthongs...
Do we have to do this again?
Fine...
...
in the Hawaiian alphabet. Whatever the cause, we here at News from Rockettopia demand that this error be corrected at once! We want our administration's propaganda to contain no irrelevant lies. Only relevant ones.

RHS Religious Club Holds Pre-Halloween Seminar on Demonic Possession

In preparation for Halloween, the Rockettopia High School religious club will be holding a seminar on Demonic Possession in the auditorium after school this coming Monday. The speakers, who include professional public lunatic Pat Robertson, professional politician and bigot Rick Santorum, rocker and gun-toting racist wacko Ted Nugent, and the principal, will cover topics such as how to spot demonic possession, how to deal with demonic possession in others, and how to avoid being possessed yourself. All of these are standard demonic possession topics.

However, this seminar will also cover a topic specific to Rockettopia: How to tell the difference between Demonic Possession and drugs. the topic will be covered in depth in a two-hour joint lecture by the Reverend Terry Jones and a local teenager known as Cool Jim, who will discuss the similarities and differences between Demonic Possession and common drugs like LSD and Meth. Although anyone who has everyday encounters with drug users (Read: Everyone) is strongly encouraged to attend, the website for the seminar has put out a few simple tips:

If the person is talking about demons, Satan or the devil, you should at least look closely for other signs of Demonic Possession.

If the person attempts to conceal their symptoms, it's a strong sign of demonic possession.

A change in eye color is a sure sign of demonic possession.

Remember: If a person turns out to be just on drugs, do the polite thing and pretend not to notice.

The RHS Wicca Club will be holding its own seminar at the same date and time to discuss similar issues. Their seminar, which will be held in the local cemetery, will discuss the positive impacts of demonic possession and debunk some major urban legands about the 'dangers' of the condition.

Rockettopia High School RADD Club: An Overview

This year, Rockettopia High School welcomed a new addition to the club scene: The Rockettopians Against Destructive Decisions, or RADD, Club. The  RADD club teaches students about avoiding destructive decisions such as doing drugs, drinking alcohol, and having sex. If they can make an impact, the club's "Adviser", Mr. Steinberg, plans to move on to eating ice cream, hanging out with friends, using the internet, and smiling. The Club was planned and named by a committee of teachers who apparently are not aware that the 1970s were forty years ago. The name choice was probably made with the slang term 'Rad' in mind, which was last heard from on June 7th, 1999. 'Rad' is, of course, short for radical, which makes sense, because here in Rockettopia, not having sex, doing drugs, and drinking alcohol are pretty radical decisions.

According to reports, the first meeting of the RADD club was attended by eight students: five students who had been dared to go, one lost freshman, the club 'Adviser' Mr. Steinberg's daughter, and a severely intoxicated senior who staggered into the classroom, mumbled some flirtatious comments to a poster, and collapsed due to alcohol poisoning.

Did you know: The Hawai'ian alphabet has twelve letters!

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        Note: The RADD club was apparently started in 2009, but until now, the entire student body has been too drunk or stoned to notice.

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        Other Note: Despite the odd aptness of the name, the RADD club is officially an offshoot of the national Students Against Destructive Decisions, or SADD club. [I'm just going to leave this one you.]

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        INS Note: Drugs are a really bad idea. Seriously, it's a really, really bad idea. Avoid drugs. 80% of RHS students you know the drill.... But honestly...

Pirate Flag Over RHS Misunderstood by Everyone

When students at Rockettopia High School returned from summer break, they couldn't help but notice the pirate flag flying above the school. Most people interpret it as a taunt from Rockettopia's archnemisis. These people are wrong. A few people claim that it was put up by RHS students to start a war. These people are also wrong. In fact, the Jolly Roger over Rockettopia High School signifies what the skull-and-crossbones has signified since time immemorial: That this building is now under the control of pirates.
In fact, the school is now officially the property of the crew of the Merman Crackhead, a sixteenth-century pirate vessel that most historians refer to as a 'glorified rowboat'. The Merman Crackhead was believed until very recently to have been lost after striking a very sharp piece of seaweed, but it now appears that the ship somehow found it's way to Anthos Pond. If anyone has any knowledge of how this happened, please email the United States Historical Society and/or the United States Armed Forces.
After making the five-minute walk to Rockettopia High School, the pirates apparently seized control of the building, originally intending to pillage it, but after finding 'riches beyond imagining' (RHS Cafeteria Food is much better than Hardtack), decided to stay.
Despite the presence of eighty pirates and two monkeys in RHS, very few people have caught on. First of all, to an untrained eye, the difference between smelly poorly-dressed sexually obsessed delinquent alcoholics and pirates can be difficult to discern. Secondly, when we tried to tell authorities of the pirate threat, we were rebuffed with the reminder that nearly the entire student body is guilty of piracy. And most importantly, anyone who might notice the pirates are either sleep-deprived, drunk, stoned, teachers, or most likely, all of the above.

Ambassador Lands on Pitcairn Islands

Crowds cheered in the streets of Rockettopia when news arrived that an airplane had observed the new American ambassador to the Pitcairn Islands had successfully paradropped into his destination. Unfortunately, the details of the ambassador's first encounter with the Pitcairn Islanders has not arrived yet, as the only way to communicate with Pitcairn is through carrier albatross. Although the islands did have a few telephones and an internet connection, most of these were traded to Tahiti and the rest were stolen. There is no cell phone reception on Pitcairn, as anyone on the island can be reached by shouting.

Performance of Inherit The Wind Interrupted by Ape Offended By The Idea That They Are Descended From Creationists

Surprising everyone last night, the Rockettopia Middle School performance of Inherit the Wind was picketed by Chimpanzees who were apparently offended by the show's implication that they were descended from Creationists. Inherit the Wind, which is based on the famous 1925 Scopes Monkey Trial and endorses the Theory of Evolution. Although some people had foreseen a Creationist protest at the play, no one foresaw the crowd of enraged apes who showed up to demonstrate their outrage at the offensive ideas embodied in the play. As one protestor told News from Rockettopia directly before throwing his feces at us, "Ook Aak Ogga [Shriek] [Shriek] [Bam] [Bam]!" Our resident primatologist explained that the apes were upset at the play's insistence that they were descended from a creature as tribal, violent, and blatenly irrational as the creationist. Although she tried to explain that evolution merely stated that apes share a common ancestor with creationist, the apes were not mollified and proceed to cover her with feces.
Although most were surprised that apes rather than creationists showed up in protest, one member of the stage crew said that he wasn't too shaken. "When you think about it, the difference between shit-throwing apes and creationists is pretty minimal. I mean, one is a irrational, unthinking, hairy, violent primate with a limited grasp of language, and the other has the scientific name Pan troglodytes.

The enraged primates. 

http://media.avclub.com/images/375/375207/16x9/627.jpg?3328

Poll Shows That Among RHS Students, 0% Care About Student Government

A new poll published by the Rockettopia High School Polling Club Thursday concluded that Rockettopia High School students don't care about their Student Government. Among students polled who were not running for office, 100% 'Strongly Agreed' with the statement "There's no difference in what the different candidates will do if elected.". 83% 'Strongly Agreed' with the statement "A baboon could do it."
In fact, the only people the Polling Club could find who cared at all about the student election were people running in it. Even the friends of the candidates admitted that the election was not relevant to them. "I mean, my friend cares about the election, since he's running," a student who we, to protect his identity, will call X Wakazowkinski told us. "But even though she cares about the election, I can't think of anything she'd do differently then the other candidate."
We here at News from Rockettopia agree completely. Up next: How the federal government might be spying on your phone calls and might be about to cancel school lunches!

Poll Finds that Among People Who Dislike Two Steps from Hell, 0% Have Ever Heard A Two Steps from Hell Song

A recent poll by the Rockettopia High Polling Club showed that although many people disapprove of the band Two Steps from Hell, none of said people have ever heard a 2SFH song. The poll found that although approval ratings for 2SFH were high among youth and declined among older people, without exception the people who did not like 2SFH admitted that they "[had] no idea what a Two Steps from Hell song sounded like".
The results of this poll surprised absolutely no one.

Rockettopian Appointed American Ambassador to Pitcairn Islands

To understand the full scope of this story, one must first understand the strange British terratory officially named "Pitcairn, Henderson, Ducie and Oeno Islands". Although five islands make up the Pitcairn islands, only Pitcairn is inhabited. It is also 3.5km across, smaller than Disney World. The current population estimate is around 48 people. Estimate because the island is virtually inaccessible, with no harbor or airstrip. The only way to get ashore is by longboat. Despite it's tiny population and one internet connection, the Pitcairn islands have their own top-level domain, .pn. The .pn domain became internationally known when the makers of The Hunger Games used it as the top-level domain for the fictional nation of Panem. Lionsgate studios, the producer of The Hunger Games, registered one to two domains for every inhabitant of the Pitcairns.^{[http://www.myhungergames.com/the-story-behind-pn]}

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Note: At this point, I have not made anything up

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The Pitcairn Islanders are almost all descended from the famous HMS Bounty mutineers and their tahitian companions, who landed on Pitcairn in 1790 and have been there ever since. In 2004, the Pitcairn islands were briefly in the news when six men, including the mayor, were convicted of sexually abusing children. These men represented a third of the adult male population. Despite it's tiny population, the islands have their own national language, Pitkern, which has been described as 'Atlantic Creole' and 'Jar Jar Binksish'. According to Wikipedia, these are some common phrases in Pitcairn:

Pitkern	English
Whata way ye?	How are you?
About ye gwen?	Where are you going?
You gwen whihi up suppa?	Are you going to cook supper?
I nor believe.	I don't think so.
Ye like-a sum whettles?	Would you like some food?
Do' mine.	It doesn't matter. I don't mind.
Wa sing yourley doing?	What are you doing? What are you up to?
I se gwen ah big shep.	I'm going to the ship.
Humuch shep corl ya?	How often do ships come here?
Cum yorley sulluns!	Come on all you kids!
I se gwen ah nahweh.	I'm going swimming.
Lebbe!	Leave it alone!
Cooshoo!	Good!

Pitcairn is the British territory that assures that the sun still never sets on the British Empire ^{[http://what-if.xkcd.com/48/]}.

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Note: Still haven't made anything up

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Since the Pitcairn Islands have only 48 residents and can only be accessed by longboat, many people were surprised when President Obama named notable Rockettopian Dave Westfield (RHS Class of 2002) American ambassador the Pitcairns. Westfield denies rumors that he got the job by calling Obama at 1 A.M. claiming to be a House Republican. Due to the significance of the first ever ambassador to the Pitcairns being from Rockettopia, we have desided to send reporter Sue Silverstien to accompany the Ambassador.

The Ambassador will be leaving for the Pitcairns in two weeks with an entorage of ten people. They will be delivered to the islands via airdrop, and the entire group will increase the population of the islands by 20%.

We here at News from Rockettopia look forward to covering this story.

A Modest Proposal: Improving RHS One Step At A Time Step 1 of 100257279129404975...

We here at News from Rockettopia wish to indicate a potential resolution to one of the great problems plaguing our local institution of secondary education: The fecal excretions of Boreal-North-American avians of the genus Branta Someone get the science correspondent away from the keyboard!!!

The thing, dudes and dudettes, is goose shit. Because dude, you know how, like, geese, like always shit all over the, like, fields and ruin all the, like, bugs, ya know, dude? (Someone drag the drug correspondent away from the computer! And while you're at it, confiscate his weed!)

We apologize for the inconvenience. The problem is, we have never had to cover goose crap before, so we really don't have a goose-crap-procedure. As editor, I hereby take control of this story. Now, from the beginning. One day, as I was knee deep in goose shit, as I know you all have been at one time, I thought to myself  "There must be a better way to run a football." While thinking about this, I lost the game. I also figured out a decent solution that I think will really take off. What does one do with pesky birds? One shoots them BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!! (Quick, inject him with some more sedatives!)
So... Kill the geese. But how? And then it came to me: A RHS Shooting Class! Since a baboon with  a wallet could go into a store and buy a dozen assault rifles with cash these days, it seems like it would be good for our youth to know what guns will kill you, and what guns will kill you and a bunch of your friends without reloading. So, a gun class including target practice on geese. The school board will object, but the NRA will probably donate money to buy them over to the plan. They'll be all over this. So, dead geese.
Stage 2: Cook the geese. The Rockettopia High School cooking class cooks the dead geese. Straightforward enough.
Step 3: Serve the meals prepared from the geese in the Rockettopia High School cafeteria, thereby saving money on feeding the students. I'm sure the students will be very happy as well. Given two choices, a poorly-prepared and likely contaminated meal made from an animal not normally eaten by humans, and cooked Canada Goose, I feel confident that nearly all of my fellow students will choose the latter.
So everyone! Request that the school initiate the Goose-to-food plan now!
Or just go and shoot geese. Doesn't matter to me.

(Don't let him see that I told you this, but his writing is terrible because most of our articles are outsourced to sweat-shops in India. This is the first time he had to write something.)

Poll Shows No One Likes Westboro Baptist Church

A continuing poll by the Rockettopia High School Polling Club is suggesting that no one likes the Westboro Baptist Church. The Westboro Baptist Church, which stages extreamely homophobic protests at the funerals of dead soldiers, has been called "The most reviled group in America." by me, just now. The RHSPC set out to find out how many Americans agree with the church's views. The question was, "What is your opinion of the Westboro Baptist Church?", and the answer choices were "I don't know what that is.", "I'm a fan", "I dislike gays but think they're very offensive.", "I have no opinion.", "I dislike them.", "I hate them.", "I really hate them.", and "If hell exists, it has a special place for people like that.". After early issues, the RHSPC found it necessary to add a new response, "None of those options, not even the last one, can express my loathing for those scum.". In a poll of RHSers, the RHSPC found that most had heard of the Westboro Baptist Church, and in that group, opinions ranged from "I hate them." to the last one. Not a single student was found to like the Church.

To continue the search for a Westboro Baptist Church fan, the RHSBC scaled up their polls of students and still found no one who supported the Church. They expanded the poll to Rockettopia townsfolk and still found no one. Even after every human being in Rockettopia had been polled, not a single person had chosen "I'm a fan." or "I have no opinion.". With assistance from major journalistic organizations, the poll was expanded to the entire country, and when no supporters of the Church were found in all of America, the world. At the time of this writing, over five billion people have been polled, and not a single one has supported the Westboro Baptist Church. Mullah Muhammed Omar, leader of the Taliban, picked "Dislike gays but they're offensive." When asked about his choice, Omar commented, "The Taliban shoots teenage girls in the head, but those Westboro Baptist Church people, they're a little extreme for us."
Pollsters are currently attempting to contact isolated tribes in the Amazon Rainforest to get their opinion. Another group is using radio waves to try to find out what any observing aliens think. At this point, the RHSPC has concluded that, in all likelihood, not a single human being supports the Westboro Baptist Church.

Poll Finds 50% of Rockettopia High School Teachers Cannot Tell the Difference between Twitter and Angry Birds

        The entire student body was horrified today when a new poll showed that among Rockettopia High School teachers, nearly half believed that Twitter and Angry Birds were the same thing. "I always just thought it was 'Angry Twitter-Birds' that all the kids were playing in the hallway. But now they say that Twitter is a 'Social Network'? Those kids and their gosh-darn gadgets!" commented one teacher, whose name we are politely not revealing. For those of you who live in caves without wifi, Twitter is a social networking website that limits posts to 140 characters, while Angry Birds is a front for Al-Qaeda.   Some students have been attempting to help the teachers understand the difference by writing essays in 140 characters and throwing bird-shaped objects through windows. Still, the problem persists.

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Speaking of Twitter, we here at News from Rockettopia now have a Twitter account! As you probably noticed because it's on every page! Now be a dear and press that 'Follow' button.

Movie Director Severely Wounded after Turkey Attack

          In a terrible attack yesterday, popular movie director Colin Trevorrow was hospitalized with serious injuries following a deadly turkey attack. According to reports released by Trevorrow's agent, the director of Safety Not Guaranteed showed that this was certainly true in his case when six large male turkeys somehow entered his hotel and confronted him in the kitchen. Despite the director's attempts to hide behind counters and cooking implements, he was eventually found by the birds, which then attacked him seemingly with the goal of ending his promising career. Fortunately, a hotel staff member found Trevorrow under attack and called 911, then proceded to heroically beat the birds back with a broom, probably saving the director's life. EMTs quickly rushed Trevorrow to the hospital, where he is in critical condition but expected to survive. 

          Some have blamed the tragic attack on the Rockettopia High School Paleontology Club. A controversy has been brewing over the last week after Trevorrow, who has been picked to direct Jurassic Park IV, explicitly tweeted that his dinosaurs will have "No Feathers". This has sparked outrage among everyone who knows anything about dinosaurs, the most prominent local group being the RHS Paleontology Club. According to some suspicions, the Paleontology Club released the turkeys into Trevorrow's hotel in the hopes of injuring him or at least changing his mind. To counter these accusations, the Paleontology Club released the following statement: "We here at the RHSPC are saddened about the tragic attack on Colin Trevorrow, who we greatly admire. We are thankful that the animals attacking him lacked claws, talons, and massive teeth evolved for ripping through flesh. If this was not the case, the director might not be here today. We are sure he will never think a turkey looks silly again."

          The club has also been encouraging people to tweet Trevorrow (@colintrevorrow) about the feathers issue with the hashtag #YesFeathers. WE CAN DO IT!!!

Earth Day Issue: Earth Complains about Week-late Birthday Parties, Green Team Hosts Cleanup, and SSE Hosts Coal-burning Protest

The planet Earth herself spoke out today to complain about the distressing number of Earth Day events sceduled a week after the actual celebration. "It's kinda annoying", the planet told reporters. "I just want to yell 'It was last week idiots!'" Earth has not spoken on the issue since.

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The Rockettopia Cleanup Committee has a massive cleanup planned for this weekend, a week after earth day (*sigh*). The RHS Green Team, which is helping at the event, hopes to see a lot of RHS students at the event. "We hope we can make a dent in this town's significant litter problem. We have a problem in this town with plastic bags, other bags, plastic cups, tin cans, plastic bottles, rusted car parts, rusted cars, and a stranded World War II-era battleship. Not sure how that got there." When we asked the president why RHS students should attend the cleanup, she replied that there would be food, but refused to give details. A team member who wished to remain anonymous told News from Rockettopia that the contents of the snacks had been kept confidential in fear of a stampede of volunteers. "We're hoping for a few dozen people, and a few hundred would be wonderful. But if we told everyone about the refreshments, we might be dealing with crowds of a hundred thousand and above." The team had apparently decided to keep the information classified after a computer model showed that volunteers might come from as far away as Montana, and the combined weight of all the humans might cause Rockettopia to sink into the ground. Still, the team says, all volunteers are welcome. [For more information, see INS Note.]

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Not everyone likes Earth Day. For example, the RHS Supply Side Economics club plans to hold a Coal-burning protest to raise awareness about how environmental regulations hurt billionaires. "We're very worried that when the government tries to stop companies from, say, turning a river into a lifeless sludge flow, the government is hurting one of the most vulnerable groups in the country: Multi-billion-dollar corporations and their billionaire owners.", the president of the SSE club told us when we reached him on his private yacht. "If pointless regulations on the amount of carcinogens a coal plant releases into the air are kept in place, CEOs may have to lay off some workers to preserve their million-dollar bonuses. That would be a true tragedy, and that's why we're staging a coal-burning rally to protest this horrible attempt to preserve what's left of life on earth." As a final note, the president of the SSE club denied rumors that he practices kissing on a poster of Ayn Rand in his room. We here at News from Rockettopia could find no evidence of such rumors. In preparation for the coal-burning rally, hospitals in the Rockettopia area are prepping their internal burn wards for a flood of patients.

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INS (In All Seriousness) Note: For those of you who live in...you know where, the actual cleanup is at 500 Dedham Avenue, Saturday April 27th, from 8:00 AM to ~11:00AM. Everyone is welcome, and you should come no matter how long you stay. I will actually be there, if that helps. Note: Deflate head.

Police Sting Fails when Drug Sniffing Dogs Confused with Drug Snorting Dogs

         Recently, students from Rockettopia High School requested that the police bring drug sniffing dogs to root out RHS's drug problem. Drug sniffing dogs are, of course, dogs that have been specially trained to locate illegal drugs such as Marijuana. Drug snorting dogs are, of course, exactly what they sound like.

        Our reporters have determined that Rockettopia's drug snorting dogs were the result of a collaboration between the Existential Club and the Ecology Club. The Ecology club wanted to test their theories on the effects of benzoylmethylecgonine on the nervous systems, specifically the frontal cortex of the brain. The Existential club was bored and had too much money on their hands. The results, a few years later, were trained dogs that would quickly locate drugs, and then stop at nothing to consume them. 
        This all would have been harmless to everyone but the dogs and the ASPCA if the Rockettopia Police Department had not somehow gotten their drug sniffing dogs replaced with the drug snorting dogs. (The Spy Club denied any responsibility in the incident two hours before it actually happened) Unfortunately for the poor police officers, the dogs swiftly devoured all forms of restricted substance on school premises. The drug-craving canines tore open metal lockers with their bare paws and shredded walls to get their drug fix. By the time the national guard managed to restore control six hours later, all evidence of drug use among students was gone and the school had suffered over a hundred thousand dollars worth of damage. Fortunately, the school is expected to be fully repaired by the end of spring break. The drug snorting dogs have been sent to an addiction vet.