RHS Religious Club Holds Pre-Halloween Seminar on Demonic Possession

In preparation for Halloween, the Rockettopia High School religious club will be holding a seminar on Demonic Possession in the auditorium after school this coming Monday. The speakers, who include professional public lunatic Pat Robertson, professional politician and bigot Rick Santorum, rocker and gun-toting racist wacko Ted Nugent, and the principal, will cover topics such as how to spot demonic possession, how to deal with demonic possession in others, and how to avoid being possessed yourself. All of these are standard demonic possession topics.

However, this seminar will also cover a topic specific to Rockettopia: How to tell the difference between Demonic Possession and drugs. the topic will be covered in depth in a two-hour joint lecture by the Reverend Terry Jones and a local teenager known as Cool Jim, who will discuss the similarities and differences between Demonic Possession and common drugs like LSD and Meth. Although anyone who has everyday encounters with drug users (Read: Everyone) is strongly encouraged to attend, the website for the seminar has put out a few simple tips:

If the person is talking about demons, Satan or the devil, you should at least look closely for other signs of Demonic Possession.

If the person attempts to conceal their symptoms, it's a strong sign of demonic possession.

A change in eye color is a sure sign of demonic possession.

Remember: If a person turns out to be just on drugs, do the polite thing and pretend not to notice.

The RHS Wicca Club will be holding its own seminar at the same date and time to discuss similar issues. Their seminar, which will be held in the local cemetery, will discuss the positive impacts of demonic possession and debunk some major urban legands about the 'dangers' of the condition.

Wicca Club: Our activities on the Solstice definitely had nothing to do with Summoning Demons

        As the investigation into the Wicca club continues, the club issued a statement denying the rumors that the club's strange activities on the solstice six days ago. The club claims that the construction of a fifty foot pentagram on the football field, centered on a pit containing a dead squirrel, with cloaked, muttering virgins at each of the five points, was "In no way an attempt to invoke supernatural powers and summon demons from the underworld. The ritual was simply a Wiccan tradition that carries no magical meaning."
        The denial puzzled many people, as there are no accounts of anyone saying that the Wicca club was summoning demons prior to the announcement. There have, however, been rumors that the Rockettopia School Board is considering forcing the disbanding of the Wicca Club. However, as a School Board official who declined to be named pointed out, "The Supreme Court says the Westboro Baptist Church and the Church of Scientology are legitimate religious groups. By this definition, the KKK, the American Nazi Party, or anyone else who claims they are a religious group, are a religious group. The Wicca Club is definitely a legitimate religious group, regardless of weather they are summoning demons. If we ban them from practicing their religion, we'll have the ACLU to deal with."
        The Zombie Club warned that the summoning of demons was "Dangerously close to the summoning of undead, which is our exclusive territory."