Rockettopia High School RADD Club: An Overview

This year, Rockettopia High School welcomed a new addition to the club scene: The Rockettopians Against Destructive Decisions, or RADD, Club. The  RADD club teaches students about avoiding destructive decisions such as doing drugs, drinking alcohol, and having sex. If they can make an impact, the club's "Adviser", Mr. Steinberg, plans to move on to eating ice cream, hanging out with friends, using the internet, and smiling. The Club was planned and named by a committee of teachers who apparently are not aware that the 1970s were forty years ago. The name choice was probably made with the slang term 'Rad' in mind, which was last heard from on June 7th, 1999. 'Rad' is, of course, short for radical, which makes sense, because here in Rockettopia, not having sex, doing drugs, and drinking alcohol are pretty radical decisions.

According to reports, the first meeting of the RADD club was attended by eight students: five students who had been dared to go, one lost freshman, the club 'Adviser' Mr. Steinberg's daughter, and a severely intoxicated senior who staggered into the classroom, mumbled some flirtatious comments to a poster, and collapsed due to alcohol poisoning.

Did you know: The Hawai'ian alphabet has twelve letters!

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        Note: The RADD club was apparently started in 2009, but until now, the entire student body has been too drunk or stoned to notice.

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        Other Note: Despite the odd aptness of the name, the RADD club is officially an offshoot of the national Students Against Destructive Decisions, or SADD club. [I'm just going to leave this one you.]

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        INS Note: Drugs are a really bad idea. Seriously, it's a really, really bad idea. Avoid drugs. 80% of RHS students you know the drill.... But honestly...

Earth Day Issue: Earth Complains about Week-late Birthday Parties, Green Team Hosts Cleanup, and SSE Hosts Coal-burning Protest

The planet Earth herself spoke out today to complain about the distressing number of Earth Day events sceduled a week after the actual celebration. "It's kinda annoying", the planet told reporters. "I just want to yell 'It was last week idiots!'" Earth has not spoken on the issue since.

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The Rockettopia Cleanup Committee has a massive cleanup planned for this weekend, a week after earth day (*sigh*). The RHS Green Team, which is helping at the event, hopes to see a lot of RHS students at the event. "We hope we can make a dent in this town's significant litter problem. We have a problem in this town with plastic bags, other bags, plastic cups, tin cans, plastic bottles, rusted car parts, rusted cars, and a stranded World War II-era battleship. Not sure how that got there." When we asked the president why RHS students should attend the cleanup, she replied that there would be food, but refused to give details. A team member who wished to remain anonymous told News from Rockettopia that the contents of the snacks had been kept confidential in fear of a stampede of volunteers. "We're hoping for a few dozen people, and a few hundred would be wonderful. But if we told everyone about the refreshments, we might be dealing with crowds of a hundred thousand and above." The team had apparently decided to keep the information classified after a computer model showed that volunteers might come from as far away as Montana, and the combined weight of all the humans might cause Rockettopia to sink into the ground. Still, the team says, all volunteers are welcome. [For more information, see INS Note.]

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Not everyone likes Earth Day. For example, the RHS Supply Side Economics club plans to hold a Coal-burning protest to raise awareness about how environmental regulations hurt billionaires. "We're very worried that when the government tries to stop companies from, say, turning a river into a lifeless sludge flow, the government is hurting one of the most vulnerable groups in the country: Multi-billion-dollar corporations and their billionaire owners.", the president of the SSE club told us when we reached him on his private yacht. "If pointless regulations on the amount of carcinogens a coal plant releases into the air are kept in place, CEOs may have to lay off some workers to preserve their million-dollar bonuses. That would be a true tragedy, and that's why we're staging a coal-burning rally to protest this horrible attempt to preserve what's left of life on earth." As a final note, the president of the SSE club denied rumors that he practices kissing on a poster of Ayn Rand in his room. We here at News from Rockettopia could find no evidence of such rumors. In preparation for the coal-burning rally, hospitals in the Rockettopia area are prepping their internal burn wards for a flood of patients.

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INS (In All Seriousness) Note: For those of you who live in...you know where, the actual cleanup is at 500 Dedham Avenue, Saturday April 27th, from 8:00 AM to ~11:00AM. Everyone is welcome, and you should come no matter how long you stay. I will actually be there, if that helps. Note: Deflate head.

D&D Club Least Equipped to Handle Actual Troll

In a turn of events that surprized the entire Dungeons and Dragons Club, the D&D club was actually the least equipped student group to handle the troll that rampaged through Rockettopia High School on Wendsday. Although the D&D club leader, a self discribed 'Level 14 Elf Wizard', tried using magic to stop the rampaging beast, he was unsucessful, determining that the troll 'Is under the influence of a level 15 anti-type-6C-magic-shield-spell.' In related news, the D&D club has chosen a new leader.

The anti-cyberbullying club attempted to cure the troll's antisocial tendencies through compassion, and three of them were devoured before someone pointed out that 'It's not that kind of troll.' The ecology club withdrew to their ecological complex (i.e. Classroom with a lot of plants) to attempt to find a natural control.

After a few hours, the Robotics club defeated the troll with a giant killer robot. They said that they had not defeated the troll earlier because 'We thoguht it might give us more respect than the student council. But the council's going to give us a grant now, right?' The correctness of this statement was emphisized by the robot training a laser on the class president. We here at The Cornpopper hope that, in the words of the principal 'This damn school will stay quiet for a whi-' The principal's remarks were cut short as he was kidnapped by harpies.

To raise funds, The Cornpopper will be auctioning off a spot in an upcoming edition to the club that pays the most. The Psycology Club and the Ecology Club are currently neck and neck for first.