AGSA Should Not Have Kept Quiet About Day of Silence

The student body awoke last Friday to discover that it was the national Day of Silence. The Day of Silence, which is organized locally by the AGSA (All Genders and Sexualities Alliance), is a day on which participants keep silent to protest the social pressures that make GLBTQ teens stay silent about who they are. Unfortunately, this year the AGSA did not talk to the school beforehand about the day of silence. So when Friday 4/11 arrived, the student body was caught off-guard. Many would-be participants were forced to speak because they had not been able to fill out the paperwork in time. To be absolutely clear, yes, I am saying that at Rockettopia High School, one must fill out paperwork days in advance just to be allowed to shut up.
Although supporter badges were avalable at the doors, and many students wore them, many have spoken out encouraging the AGSA to talk to the student body about the Day of Silence next year.

RHS Addiction Task Force Going After 2048

The Rockettopia High School administration announced today that they would be forming a task force to go after the highly addictive game 2048. Since it was published less than a month ago, 2048 has achieved a large following among everyone on the internet. The decision to go after 2048 came after a new study by the RHS Studying-Things Club found that 'playing 2048' is now the number one use of school computers, beating out the previous front-runners, 'watching porn' and 'using them as bongs'. "This logic-skill-building game 2048 has been wasting vital time that students could be using to do something productive like write an essay over-analyzing The Bean Trees.", the Principal told News from Rockettopia. "It must be stopped."
We here at News from Rockettopia are glad to see the administration switching its focus from marijuana to something actually addictive. Now, must... play... 2048. I'm sure I can spare just one more night's sleep!

School Musical Message: Repression is For Your Own Good

The Rockettopia High School production of Urinetown last weekend was stunningly successful. The performance was carried by amazing actors, skilled set design, a hardworking crew, and the overarching message that repression is for your own good.
For those not familiar with the musical, Urinetown is the story of a town in which all toilets are controlled by the Urine Good Company (UGC) and charge admission fees. Those who cannot pay the fees are executed. Eventually, a popular revolt deposes the dictatorial leaders of the UGC and make toilets free. And then they all die when the water runs out. Because what were they supposed to do, build outhouses or composting toilets or something?
 The underlying theme that the musical is intended to convey, according to the director, is that "However bad the authority's treatment of you may seem, however arbitrary and oppressive their rules, they're looking out for your own good and you should just go along with it." The obvious application of this message in everyday life is in marijuana. "We crack down on anyone who we catch with marijuana," the RHS principal told News from Rockettopia, "and we don't give a good reason why except that it's for some reason illegal and you should just do what we tell you. Our production of Urinetown was intended to drive home the message that these kinds of rules are for your own good, that you can't be expected to understand what they're for, that it's right to deal harshly with those who disobey or question, and that if you don't do as we say, bad things will happen."

RHSN Screws Up School Musical Information, Still Better than CNN

Despite the many screw-ups in the Rockettopia High School News coverage of the school musical, their coverage is still better than most of CNN, according to the Media Analysis Agency. The report, which was delivered today and represented a change from 'boring and stupid' to 'boring, stupid, and inaccurate', began with footage of chairs in what was may have been the wrong auditorium and and peaked when the voice-over claimed that the performance was by the charity group Students Acting to Make a Difference. While SAMD is a great charity, it is not in fact interchangeable with Rockettopia High School, as the narrator of that segment will probably learn a few minutes before he is fired.
Although the coverage was terrible, it was still better than CNN, said the MAA. RHSN, after all, has never sent two reporters to talk to each other from the same parking lot, which really happened I'm serious.
When the musical, Urinetown, is performed this weekend at the Neumann School Auditorium, we will cover it here at News from Rockettopia, but everyone should still go see what we assume, admittedly based on no evidence, will be an amazing production.

Poll Shows No One Likes Westboro Baptist Church

A continuing poll by the Rockettopia High School Polling Club is suggesting that no one likes the Westboro Baptist Church. The Westboro Baptist Church, which stages extreamely homophobic protests at the funerals of dead soldiers, has been called "The most reviled group in America." by me, just now. The RHSPC set out to find out how many Americans agree with the church's views. The question was, "What is your opinion of the Westboro Baptist Church?", and the answer choices were "I don't know what that is.", "I'm a fan", "I dislike gays but think they're very offensive.", "I have no opinion.", "I dislike them.", "I hate them.", "I really hate them.", and "If hell exists, it has a special place for people like that.". After early issues, the RHSPC found it necessary to add a new response, "None of those options, not even the last one, can express my loathing for those scum.". In a poll of RHSers, the RHSPC found that most had heard of the Westboro Baptist Church, and in that group, opinions ranged from "I hate them." to the last one. Not a single student was found to like the Church.

To continue the search for a Westboro Baptist Church fan, the RHSBC scaled up their polls of students and still found no one who supported the Church. They expanded the poll to Rockettopia townsfolk and still found no one. Even after every human being in Rockettopia had been polled, not a single person had chosen "I'm a fan." or "I have no opinion.". With assistance from major journalistic organizations, the poll was expanded to the entire country, and when no supporters of the Church were found in all of America, the world. At the time of this writing, over five billion people have been polled, and not a single one has supported the Westboro Baptist Church. Mullah Muhammed Omar, leader of the Taliban, picked "Dislike gays but they're offensive." When asked about his choice, Omar commented, "The Taliban shoots teenage girls in the head, but those Westboro Baptist Church people, they're a little extreme for us."
Pollsters are currently attempting to contact isolated tribes in the Amazon Rainforest to get their opinion. Another group is using radio waves to try to find out what any observing aliens think. At this point, the RHSPC has concluded that, in all likelihood, not a single human being supports the Westboro Baptist Church.

Poll Finds 50% of Rockettopia High School Teachers Cannot Tell the Difference between Twitter and Angry Birds

        The entire student body was horrified today when a new poll showed that among Rockettopia High School teachers, nearly half believed that Twitter and Angry Birds were the same thing. "I always just thought it was 'Angry Twitter-Birds' that all the kids were playing in the hallway. But now they say that Twitter is a 'Social Network'? Those kids and their gosh-darn gadgets!" commented one teacher, whose name we are politely not revealing. For those of you who live in caves without wifi, Twitter is a social networking website that limits posts to 140 characters, while Angry Birds is a front for Al-Qaeda.   Some students have been attempting to help the teachers understand the difference by writing essays in 140 characters and throwing bird-shaped objects through windows. Still, the problem persists.

---

Speaking of Twitter, we here at News from Rockettopia now have a Twitter account! As you probably noticed because it's on every page! Now be a dear and press that 'Follow' button.

Movie Director Severely Wounded after Turkey Attack

          In a terrible attack yesterday, popular movie director Colin Trevorrow was hospitalized with serious injuries following a deadly turkey attack. According to reports released by Trevorrow's agent, the director of Safety Not Guaranteed showed that this was certainly true in his case when six large male turkeys somehow entered his hotel and confronted him in the kitchen. Despite the director's attempts to hide behind counters and cooking implements, he was eventually found by the birds, which then attacked him seemingly with the goal of ending his promising career. Fortunately, a hotel staff member found Trevorrow under attack and called 911, then proceded to heroically beat the birds back with a broom, probably saving the director's life. EMTs quickly rushed Trevorrow to the hospital, where he is in critical condition but expected to survive. 

          Some have blamed the tragic attack on the Rockettopia High School Paleontology Club. A controversy has been brewing over the last week after Trevorrow, who has been picked to direct Jurassic Park IV, explicitly tweeted that his dinosaurs will have "No Feathers". This has sparked outrage among everyone who knows anything about dinosaurs, the most prominent local group being the RHS Paleontology Club. According to some suspicions, the Paleontology Club released the turkeys into Trevorrow's hotel in the hopes of injuring him or at least changing his mind. To counter these accusations, the Paleontology Club released the following statement: "We here at the RHSPC are saddened about the tragic attack on Colin Trevorrow, who we greatly admire. We are thankful that the animals attacking him lacked claws, talons, and massive teeth evolved for ripping through flesh. If this was not the case, the director might not be here today. We are sure he will never think a turkey looks silly again."

          The club has also been encouraging people to tweet Trevorrow (@colintrevorrow) about the feathers issue with the hashtag #YesFeathers. WE CAN DO IT!!!

Earth Day Issue: Earth Complains about Week-late Birthday Parties, Green Team Hosts Cleanup, and SSE Hosts Coal-burning Protest

The planet Earth herself spoke out today to complain about the distressing number of Earth Day events sceduled a week after the actual celebration. "It's kinda annoying", the planet told reporters. "I just want to yell 'It was last week idiots!'" Earth has not spoken on the issue since.

---

The Rockettopia Cleanup Committee has a massive cleanup planned for this weekend, a week after earth day (*sigh*). The RHS Green Team, which is helping at the event, hopes to see a lot of RHS students at the event. "We hope we can make a dent in this town's significant litter problem. We have a problem in this town with plastic bags, other bags, plastic cups, tin cans, plastic bottles, rusted car parts, rusted cars, and a stranded World War II-era battleship. Not sure how that got there." When we asked the president why RHS students should attend the cleanup, she replied that there would be food, but refused to give details. A team member who wished to remain anonymous told News from Rockettopia that the contents of the snacks had been kept confidential in fear of a stampede of volunteers. "We're hoping for a few dozen people, and a few hundred would be wonderful. But if we told everyone about the refreshments, we might be dealing with crowds of a hundred thousand and above." The team had apparently decided to keep the information classified after a computer model showed that volunteers might come from as far away as Montana, and the combined weight of all the humans might cause Rockettopia to sink into the ground. Still, the team says, all volunteers are welcome. [For more information, see INS Note.]

---

Not everyone likes Earth Day. For example, the RHS Supply Side Economics club plans to hold a Coal-burning protest to raise awareness about how environmental regulations hurt billionaires. "We're very worried that when the government tries to stop companies from, say, turning a river into a lifeless sludge flow, the government is hurting one of the most vulnerable groups in the country: Multi-billion-dollar corporations and their billionaire owners.", the president of the SSE club told us when we reached him on his private yacht. "If pointless regulations on the amount of carcinogens a coal plant releases into the air are kept in place, CEOs may have to lay off some workers to preserve their million-dollar bonuses. That would be a true tragedy, and that's why we're staging a coal-burning rally to protest this horrible attempt to preserve what's left of life on earth." As a final note, the president of the SSE club denied rumors that he practices kissing on a poster of Ayn Rand in his room. We here at News from Rockettopia could find no evidence of such rumors. In preparation for the coal-burning rally, hospitals in the Rockettopia area are prepping their internal burn wards for a flood of patients.

---

INS (In All Seriousness) Note: For those of you who live in...you know where, the actual cleanup is at 500 Dedham Avenue, Saturday April 27th, from 8:00 AM to ~11:00AM. Everyone is welcome, and you should come no matter how long you stay. I will actually be there, if that helps. Note: Deflate head.

Police Sting Fails when Drug Sniffing Dogs Confused with Drug Snorting Dogs

         Recently, students from Rockettopia High School requested that the police bring drug sniffing dogs to root out RHS's drug problem. Drug sniffing dogs are, of course, dogs that have been specially trained to locate illegal drugs such as Marijuana. Drug snorting dogs are, of course, exactly what they sound like.

        Our reporters have determined that Rockettopia's drug snorting dogs were the result of a collaboration between the Existential Club and the Ecology Club. The Ecology club wanted to test their theories on the effects of benzoylmethylecgonine on the nervous systems, specifically the frontal cortex of the brain. The Existential club was bored and had too much money on their hands. The results, a few years later, were trained dogs that would quickly locate drugs, and then stop at nothing to consume them. 
        This all would have been harmless to everyone but the dogs and the ASPCA if the Rockettopia Police Department had not somehow gotten their drug sniffing dogs replaced with the drug snorting dogs. (The Spy Club denied any responsibility in the incident two hours before it actually happened) Unfortunately for the poor police officers, the dogs swiftly devoured all forms of restricted substance on school premises. The drug-craving canines tore open metal lockers with their bare paws and shredded walls to get their drug fix. By the time the national guard managed to restore control six hours later, all evidence of drug use among students was gone and the school had suffered over a hundred thousand dollars worth of damage. Fortunately, the school is expected to be fully repaired by the end of spring break. The drug snorting dogs have been sent to an addiction vet.

In Concolatory Match, Knowing Stuff Team is Soundly Defeated by Trained Snails

        After their disastrous defeat yesterday on the public television show "High School Quiz Show", the RHS Knowing Stuff Team was not feeling very good (NOTE: We really, really don't want you to look this up). To make themselves feel better, the team arranged a match against the Ecology Club's trained land snails. However, in a surprise victory, the snails trounced the Knowing Stuff Team by a massive margin of 315-110. The success of the snails has been accredited to their knowledge of important categories such as 'Plants that are Good Snail Food', 'Slime Making 101', 'Snail Anatomy', and 'Animal Mobile Homes'. When asked the snails about their victory, we got this response:

Les Miserables Prostitutes "Overdressed" Say RHS Theatergoers

        The Rockettopia High School production of Les Miserables this weekend was a tremendous hit. All three performances were sold out. All the acting was incredible and everyone loved it except the Complaining Club. However, one objection did emerge in many students who attended: the prostitutes were wearing too much.
        I'm not going to go into too much description, but it suffices to say that compared to what's considered acceptable at RHS, the prostitute's garb was somewhere around the level of 'Arab Housewife'. To see more skin showing, all one would have to do is walk into any classroom in RHS.
        The next most common complaint was that the three-hour musical was 'Way too short'.

Poll finds that 60% of RHS Students Believe that "Take Back the Night" club is About Controlling Raccoons

      A poll released earlier today by the Rockettopia Depressing Polling Organization showed that among f students asked the question "What does the 'Take Back the Night Club' do?", 60% gave an answer involving the control of Raccoons, Coyotes, Opossums, and other nocturnal mammals. The other 40% were divided among the beliefs that it was a crazy project to make the sun shine at night, a counter to daylight savings time, and an advocate for less homework. Only five percent got the correct answer.
        The Take Back the Night club is actually about preventing dating violence, conversations about which usually end up at the 'Does that really happen around here?' point. They sometimes do bake sales and other events to raise money and awareness about dating violence. In hindsight, they probably should've seen the branding problem when of most people who came to their events ended up talking about their trash cans being raided.
        We here at News from Rockettopia hope that after this article, the number of calls about wild animals every night to the Take Back the Night hotline will drop below ten. And we also hope that everyone who reads this goes to their events.

RSHN Anchor Falls Asleep During Broadcast

        Students were shocked and horrified today when Rockettopia High School News' main anchor fell asleep halfway through his broadcast. This is a real change, as previously the drowsiness caused by RHSN had been limited to the viewers of the broadcast, with three-minute broadcasts often followed by necessary ten-minute breaks for waking up the students.
        However, today's broadcast focusing on Philosophy Midterm Question Four Theory resulted in the anchor actually falling asleep halfway through saying, "David Schienfeld is the head of the philosophy department at RHS and has spent four years in Tibet studying the art of writing the perfect question four on a midter...". However, many have praised the anchor for his exceptional endurance, as most of the school had not made it past three words.

Goth vs. Goth Prank Goes Horribly Awry

        Blood was spilled yesterday after a Science Club prank introduced Rockettopia High School's Goths to actual Goths went horribly wrong. The Goths were a powerful Germanic tribe that played an important role in the destruction of the Roman Empire. Today's Goths are people, generally young people, who generally, dress in black, wear chains, wear heavy make-up, and have tattoos.
        Since the horrible incident yesterday, some staff and students have been able to piece together an account of what happened. The Science Club apparently thought it would be funny to use the RHS Particle Accelerator to go get ancient Goths and introduce them to modern Goths. However, the two Goth groups did not get along. Only minutes after they arrived, the Goths were sent running back to the Early Medieval Age, with both themselves and their pride seriously injured. On the upside, the Archaeology Club now has an abundance of artifacts to investigate.
        Following the incident, the Science Club was banned from using the Particle Accelerator for two months.