The Rockettopia High School administration announced today that they would be forming a task force to go after the highly addictive game 2048. Since it was published less than a month ago, 2048 has achieved a large following among everyone on the internet. The decision to go after 2048 came after a new study by the RHS Studying-Things Club found that 'playing 2048' is now the number one use of school computers, beating out the previous front-runners, 'watching porn' and 'using them as bongs'. "This logic-skill-building game 2048 has been wasting vital time that students could be using to do something productive like write an essay over-analyzing The Bean Trees.", the Principal told News from Rockettopia. "It must be stopped."
We here at News from Rockettopia are glad to see the administration switching its focus from marijuana to something actually addictive. Now, must... play... 2048. I'm sure I can spare just one more night's sleep!
Showing posts with label High. Show all posts
Showing posts with label High. Show all posts
Saturday, March 22, 2014
Monday, September 23, 2013
Rockettopia High School RADD Club: An Overview
This year, Rockettopia High School welcomed a new addition to the club scene: The Rockettopians Against Destructive Decisions, or RADD, Club. The RADD club teaches students about avoiding destructive decisions such as doing drugs, drinking alcohol, and having sex. If they can make an impact, the club's "Adviser", Mr. Steinberg, plans to move on to eating ice cream, hanging out with friends, using the internet, and smiling. The Club was planned and named by a committee of teachers who apparently are not aware that the 1970s were forty years ago. The name choice was probably made with the slang term 'Rad' in mind, which was last heard from on June 7th, 1999. 'Rad' is, of course, short for radical, which makes sense, because here in Rockettopia, not having sex, doing drugs, and drinking alcohol are pretty radical decisions.
According to reports, the first meeting of the RADD club was attended by eight students: five students who had been dared to go, one lost freshman, the club 'Adviser' Mr. Steinberg's daughter, and a severely intoxicated senior who staggered into the classroom, mumbled some flirtatious comments to a poster, and collapsed due to alcohol poisoning.
Did you know: The Hawai'ian alphabet has twelve letters!
Note: The RADD club was apparently started in 2009, but until now, the entire student body has been too drunk or stoned to notice.
Other Note: Despite the odd aptness of the name, the RADD club is officially an offshoot of the national Students Against Destructive Decisions, or SADD club. [I'm just going to leave this one you.]
INS Note: Drugs are a really bad idea. Seriously, it's a really, really bad idea. Avoid drugs. 80% of RHS students you know the drill.... But honestly...
Friday, June 14, 2013
Poll Shows That Among RHS Students, 0% Care About Student Government
A new poll published by the Rockettopia High School Polling Club Thursday concluded that Rockettopia High School students don't care about their Student Government. Among students polled who were not running for office, 100% 'Strongly Agreed' with the statement "There's no difference in what the different candidates will do if elected.". 83% 'Strongly Agreed' with the statement "A baboon could do it."
In fact, the only people the Polling Club could find who cared at all about the student election were people running in it. Even the friends of the candidates admitted that the election was not relevant to them. "I mean, my friend cares about the election, since he's running," a student who we, to protect his identity, will call X Wakazowkinski told us. "But even though she cares about the election, I can't think of anything she'd do differently then the other candidate."
We here at News from Rockettopia agree completely. Up next: How the federal government might be spying on your phone calls and might be about to cancel school lunches!
In fact, the only people the Polling Club could find who cared at all about the student election were people running in it. Even the friends of the candidates admitted that the election was not relevant to them. "I mean, my friend cares about the election, since he's running," a student who we, to protect his identity, will call X Wakazowkinski told us. "But even though she cares about the election, I can't think of anything she'd do differently then the other candidate."
We here at News from Rockettopia agree completely. Up next: How the federal government might be spying on your phone calls and might be about to cancel school lunches!
Friday, May 17, 2013
A Modest Proposal: Improving RHS One Step At A Time Step 1 of 100257279129404975...
We here at News from Rockettopia wish to indicate a potential resolution to one of the great problems plaguing our local institution of secondary education: The fecal excretions of Boreal-North-American avians of the genus Branta Someone get the science correspondent away from the keyboard!!!
The thing, dudes and dudettes, is goose shit. Because dude, you know how, like, geese, like always shit all over the, like, fields and ruin all the, like, bugs, ya know, dude? (Someone drag the drug correspondent away from the computer! And while you're at it, confiscate his weed!)
We apologize for the inconvenience. The problem is, we have never had to cover goose crap before, so we really don't have a goose-crap-procedure. As editor, I hereby take control of this story. Now, from the beginning. One day, as I was knee deep in goose shit, as I know you all have been at one time, I thought to myself "There must be a better way to run a football." While thinking about this, I lost the game. I also figured out a decent solution that I think will really take off. What does one do with pesky birds? One shoots them BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!! (Quick, inject him with some more sedatives!)
So... Kill the geese. But how? And then it came to me: A RHS Shooting Class! Since a baboon with a wallet could go into a store and buy a dozen assault rifles with cash these days, it seems like it would be good for our youth to know what guns will kill you, and what guns will kill you and a bunch of your friends without reloading. So, a gun class including target practice on geese. The school board will object, but the NRA will probably donate money to buy them over to the plan. They'll be all over this. So, dead geese.
Stage 2: Cook the geese. The Rockettopia High School cooking class cooks the dead geese. Straightforward enough.
Step 3: Serve the meals prepared from the geese in the Rockettopia High School cafeteria, thereby saving money on feeding the students. I'm sure the students will be very happy as well. Given two choices, a poorly-prepared and likely contaminated meal made from an animal not normally eaten by humans, and cooked Canada Goose, I feel confident that nearly all of my fellow students will choose the latter.
So everyone! Request that the school initiate the Goose-to-food plan now!
Or just go and shoot geese. Doesn't matter to me.
(Don't let him see that I told you this, but his writing is terrible because most of our articles are outsourced to sweat-shops in India. This is the first time he had to write something.)
So... Kill the geese. But how? And then it came to me: A RHS Shooting Class! Since a baboon with a wallet could go into a store and buy a dozen assault rifles with cash these days, it seems like it would be good for our youth to know what guns will kill you, and what guns will kill you and a bunch of your friends without reloading. So, a gun class including target practice on geese. The school board will object, but the NRA will probably donate money to buy them over to the plan. They'll be all over this. So, dead geese.
Stage 2: Cook the geese. The Rockettopia High School cooking class cooks the dead geese. Straightforward enough.
Step 3: Serve the meals prepared from the geese in the Rockettopia High School cafeteria, thereby saving money on feeding the students. I'm sure the students will be very happy as well. Given two choices, a poorly-prepared and likely contaminated meal made from an animal not normally eaten by humans, and cooked Canada Goose, I feel confident that nearly all of my fellow students will choose the latter.
So everyone! Request that the school initiate the Goose-to-food plan now!
Or just go and shoot geese. Doesn't matter to me.
(Don't let him see that I told you this, but his writing is terrible because most of our articles are outsourced to sweat-shops in India. This is the first time he had to write something.)
Friday, April 5, 2013
Students Request Drug Sniffing Dogs for Rockettopia High
A group of Rockettopia High School Students approached the Rockettopia School Committee this Tuesday to request drug dogs at RHS. The students were dispatched by the RHS student council, which has grown increasingly concerned about the drug problem at RHS.
This problem was exemplified in a sting operation on March 14th that led to the arrest of two students selling Marijuana, Zoloft, and Tramadol. The student council immidietly expressed their disappointment that students were dealing illegal and prescription drugs, and the Existential Club expressed their relief that the police had not found the Cocaine, Meth, LSD, Bath Salts, Toads, Mushrooms, and Millipedes.
The student council decided to act on the drug problem dispute half of the members not knowing what Marijuana is. When asked, one council member replied, "I'm not entirely sure. I think it's something like chewing gum. But it's really bad, I know that. If you get caught with it, the teacher asks you to stay after, which is the worst they can do, right?"
After the local newspaper printed the names of the students who approached the school committee, the Existential Club told News from Rockettopia that they plan to give the offending students "An in-depth lesson on the fish life of Rockettopia. We expect them to be fully immersed and breathless with excitement."
This problem was exemplified in a sting operation on March 14th that led to the arrest of two students selling Marijuana, Zoloft, and Tramadol. The student council immidietly expressed their disappointment that students were dealing illegal and prescription drugs, and the Existential Club expressed their relief that the police had not found the Cocaine, Meth, LSD, Bath Salts, Toads, Mushrooms, and Millipedes.
The student council decided to act on the drug problem dispute half of the members not knowing what Marijuana is. When asked, one council member replied, "I'm not entirely sure. I think it's something like chewing gum. But it's really bad, I know that. If you get caught with it, the teacher asks you to stay after, which is the worst they can do, right?"
After the local newspaper printed the names of the students who approached the school committee, the Existential Club told News from Rockettopia that they plan to give the offending students "An in-depth lesson on the fish life of Rockettopia. We expect them to be fully immersed and breathless with excitement."
Wellness Class Test Determines Which Form of Delusional Ignorance You Have
On Tuesday of this week, the sophomores here at Rockettopia High School took the traditional Wellness* test to determine which of the two types of delusional ignorance they had.
The unit was about something called the Locust of Control. This is whether one believes that all events are governed by free will, or all events are chance and we have no free will. There are, of course, only two opinions on the issue, both of which are delusional ignorance. There is no way to believe that some events, such as whether you win the lottery or whether you get hit by a car, are random chance and others, such as a test grade, are controlled. The idea that what country you live in helps determine your ability to climb the social ladder is quite frankly laughable, as is the concept that perhaps teaching students an oversimplified system of absolutes is a bad idea. The curriculum has been determined to be wildly successful by the teacher who teaches it and people who have no connection, and is expected to be included again next year.
On a related note, a group of very confused RHS students have formed the Church of the Controlling Grasshopper. Meetings are Wednesdays after school in the cafeteria for all interested in attending.
*Wellness is what hippies call gym class
The unit was about something called the Locust of Control. This is whether one believes that all events are governed by free will, or all events are chance and we have no free will. There are, of course, only two opinions on the issue, both of which are delusional ignorance. There is no way to believe that some events, such as whether you win the lottery or whether you get hit by a car, are random chance and others, such as a test grade, are controlled. The idea that what country you live in helps determine your ability to climb the social ladder is quite frankly laughable, as is the concept that perhaps teaching students an oversimplified system of absolutes is a bad idea. The curriculum has been determined to be wildly successful by the teacher who teaches it and people who have no connection, and is expected to be included again next year.
On a related note, a group of very confused RHS students have formed the Church of the Controlling Grasshopper. Meetings are Wednesdays after school in the cafeteria for all interested in attending.
*Wellness is what hippies call gym class
Thursday, February 14, 2013
RSHN Anchor Falls Asleep During Broadcast
Students were shocked and horrified today when Rockettopia High School News' main anchor fell asleep halfway through his broadcast. This is a real change, as previously the drowsiness caused by RHSN had been limited to the viewers of the broadcast, with three-minute broadcasts often followed by necessary ten-minute breaks for waking up the students.
However, today's broadcast focusing on Philosophy Midterm Question Four Theory resulted in the anchor actually falling asleep halfway through saying, "David Schienfeld is the head of the philosophy department at RHS and has spent four years in Tibet studying the art of writing the perfect question four on a midter...". However, many have praised the anchor for his exceptional endurance, as most of the school had not made it past three words.
However, today's broadcast focusing on Philosophy Midterm Question Four Theory resulted in the anchor actually falling asleep halfway through saying, "David Schienfeld is the head of the philosophy department at RHS and has spent four years in Tibet studying the art of writing the perfect question four on a midter...". However, many have praised the anchor for his exceptional endurance, as most of the school had not made it past three words.
Friday, January 18, 2013
Goth vs. Goth Prank Goes Horribly Awry
Blood was spilled yesterday after a Science Club prank introduced Rockettopia High School's Goths to actual Goths went horribly wrong. The Goths were a powerful Germanic tribe that played an important role in the destruction of the Roman Empire. Today's Goths are people, generally young people, who generally, dress in black, wear chains, wear heavy make-up, and have tattoos.
Since the horrible incident yesterday, some staff and students have been able to piece together an account of what happened. The Science Club apparently thought it would be funny to use the RHS Particle Accelerator to go get ancient Goths and introduce them to modern Goths. However, the two Goth groups did not get along. Only minutes after they arrived, the Goths were sent running back to the Early Medieval Age, with both themselves and their pride seriously injured. On the upside, the Archaeology Club now has an abundance of artifacts to investigate.
Following the incident, the Science Club was banned from using the Particle Accelerator for two months.
Since the horrible incident yesterday, some staff and students have been able to piece together an account of what happened. The Science Club apparently thought it would be funny to use the RHS Particle Accelerator to go get ancient Goths and introduce them to modern Goths. However, the two Goth groups did not get along. Only minutes after they arrived, the Goths were sent running back to the Early Medieval Age, with both themselves and their pride seriously injured. On the upside, the Archaeology Club now has an abundance of artifacts to investigate.
Following the incident, the Science Club was banned from using the Particle Accelerator for two months.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
D&D Club Least Equipped to Handle Actual Troll
In a turn of events that surprized the entire Dungeons and Dragons Club, the D&D club was actually the least equipped student group to handle the troll that rampaged through Rockettopia High School on Wendsday. Although the D&D club leader, a self discribed 'Level 14 Elf Wizard', tried using magic to stop the rampaging beast, he was unsucessful, determining that the troll 'Is under the influence of a level 15 anti-type-6C-magic-shield-spell.' In related news, the D&D club has chosen a new leader.
The anti-cyberbullying club attempted to cure the troll's antisocial tendencies through compassion, and three of them were devoured before someone pointed out that 'It's not that kind of troll.' The ecology club withdrew to their ecological complex (i.e. Classroom with a lot of plants) to attempt to find a natural control.
After a few hours, the Robotics club defeated the troll with a giant killer robot. They said that they had not defeated the troll earlier because 'We thoguht it might give us more respect than the student council. But the council's going to give us a grant now, right?' The correctness of this statement was emphisized by the robot training a laser on the class president. We here at The Cornpopper hope that, in the words of the principal 'This damn school will stay quiet for a whi-' The principal's remarks were cut short as he was kidnapped by harpies.
To raise funds, The Cornpopper will be auctioning off a spot in an upcoming edition to the club that pays the most. The Psycology Club and the Ecology Club are currently neck and neck for first.
Monday, October 31, 2011
GSA running short of new Gay recruits
The Rockettopia High GSA fell short on new recruits from the freshman class, mostly in the ‘Gay’ department. “The GSA has more new straight members than ever”, said a GSA member, “But there are only a few Gay members.” The GSA refused to speculate on the cause of the seeming shortage of gay freshmen, but the Psycology Club was less reserved. “They’ve obviously all joined the football team”, said the Psycology Club president, “I mean, who could resist? The football team offers the ability to contort yourself into extremely sexual positions with other boys while seeming cool? It’s too good to pass up! I mean, how many straight boys would sign up for a club if it involved getting intimately close to attractive girls without any embaressment?” The Psycology club president was now smiling and brething heavily. “I mean, like, you know, when a cigar isn’t just a cigar!” The reporter then ended the interview for reasons he called “Obvious”.
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