Violent War Erupts in Cafeteria Over Seats

The 2013-2014 school year in Rockettopia got off to a bad start yesterday when violence erupted in all three lunches over the seating arrangements in the cafeteria. More specifically, lack of said seats. As Rockettopia High School's population has grown over the last few years, the cafeteria, which was designed to seat three hundred students, has been unable to seat sufficent numbers. The school administration has already tried bringing in new tables, bringing in even more new tables, and as of this year is offering toilet accommodations as "Dual-purpose seating". 

Despite this, there weren't enough seats to go around, resulting in a massive food fight in which, unlike the food fights that occur every day, the victor actually mattered. "My brothers! This table is our last hope! Now fight, not for your wives or children or villages, but for NOT SITTING ON THE FLOOR!!!", a member of the Anime club was heard to shout before the club charged the baseball team. During the attack, he was hit in the head by a "Hamburger", but the doctors say his condition has stabilized and they have high hopes for his recovery.

The baseball club wasn't the only club to engage in outright warfare. The orchestra club broke all the rules and two clarinets when they deployed their instruments as weapons. Two people were severely poked, five deafened, and a police team is currently searching for three missing students inside one of the tubas. The ecology club and the robotics team were beaten severely by the football team, and stormed out vowing revenge. (In related news, the football team has acquired an indefinite full-team vacation to the pacific island of Fiji.). After going outside for te, minutes to "meditate", the Existential club stormed the cafeteria demanding more food, but of course, that's what they do pretty much every day.

Some students got extremely desperate and took measures considered wild even by Rockettopia standards; president Obama has warned that the United States will take action if the Chemistry club ever does that again.

The people to entirely escape the war in the cafeteria were the skateboarders, who everyone refused to go anywhere near.

In Another Horrifying Bloodbath, Orch Dorks Meet Orc Dorks

Clearly, the Science Club has not learned their lesson about altering space-time for an ill-advised prank. This time, the particle accelerator was used to introduce members of the orchestra, self-proclimed 'Orch Dorks', to enormus green axe-wielding glasses-wearing monsters from Azaroth, known to themselves as 'Arrggghhhh!!!!!' and to others as 'Orc Dorks. The results were predictable, with six musicians hospitalized, five violins destroyed, and eight lrage, green, new recruits for the New England Patriots.

The Science Club has been banned from the Particle Accelerator for two months by order of the vice principal, who has not been seen since and is suspected to be in a Black Hole somewhere.

New England Refuses to Accept that Patriots Sucked

Over the last few days, New Englanders refused to accept that the patriots totally sucked at the super bowl. Many theories have condensed to explain away the fact that the Patriots lost the Super Bowl by a staggering four points. The most common conspiracy states that the Giants kidnapped the actual New England Patriots prior to the big game and replaced them with a team of robots. Although the robots were originally programmed to lose by more points, the theorists say that not even robots could have lost to the NY Giants that badly.
The Supply Side Economics Club is still going to do an article in the Cornpopper, which will be reprinted here. The Cornpopper staff have supposedly attempted through every possible means to stop the article from being printed. In an unofficial statement, an unnamed editor said that the Supply Side Economics Club article was "So crazy it makes Newt Gingrich sound sane. It's like saying 'Screw the Poor' but meaning it. I must remember the yacht." He is apparently referring to the three hundred foot yacht that was donated to the Cornpopper staff from an unknown source.

Student Sells Soul to Satan for CityCash

Yesterday, an unnamed student leaked the news that another unnamed student had told her that her friend’s boyfriend’s best friend had sold his soul to Satan for 1,000 CityCash.

CityCash, the form of currency in the popular Facebook game CityVille, has now become such an important part of the economy that 75% of stores now accept it as legal tender, and news networks issue daily updates on the strength of the CityDollar. “Looking at these facts, it’s inevitable that CityCash would become more valuable than the soul.”, said the president of the Rockettopia High Economics Club. “I think we can expect to see a lot more of this in the future.”

According to the spokesperson for the Psycology club, the soul-less student, who now wanders the hall looking for brains and avoiding glee fans, originally bargained for 10,000 CityCash, but was turned down by Satan, most likely because a soul is only worth so much, and Satan’s city doesn’t appear to be doing very well. “Anyway”, said the spokesperson,” this guy didn’t have much of a soul. He was in the D&D club, and they’re supposed to have an exclusive deal with Boccob.”

GSA running short of new Gay recruits

The Rockettopia High GSA fell short on new recruits from the freshman class, mostly in the ‘Gay’ department. “The GSA has more new straight members than ever”, said a GSA member, “But there are only a few Gay members.” The GSA refused to speculate on the cause of the seeming shortage of gay freshmen, but the Psycology Club was less reserved. “They’ve obviously all joined the football team”, said the Psycology Club president, “I mean, who could resist? The football team offers the ability to contort yourself into extremely sexual positions with other boys while seeming cool? It’s too good to pass up! I mean, how many straight boys would sign up for a club if it involved getting intimately close to attractive girls without any embaressment?” The Psycology club president was now smiling and brething heavily. “I mean, like, you know, when a cigar isn’t just a cigar!” The reporter then ended the interview for reasons he called “Obvious”.