Violent War Erupts in Cafeteria Over Seats

The 2013-2014 school year in Rockettopia got off to a bad start yesterday when violence erupted in all three lunches over the seating arrangements in the cafeteria. More specifically, lack of said seats. As Rockettopia High School's population has grown over the last few years, the cafeteria, which was designed to seat three hundred students, has been unable to seat sufficent numbers. The school administration has already tried bringing in new tables, bringing in even more new tables, and as of this year is offering toilet accommodations as "Dual-purpose seating". 

Despite this, there weren't enough seats to go around, resulting in a massive food fight in which, unlike the food fights that occur every day, the victor actually mattered. "My brothers! This table is our last hope! Now fight, not for your wives or children or villages, but for NOT SITTING ON THE FLOOR!!!", a member of the Anime club was heard to shout before the club charged the baseball team. During the attack, he was hit in the head by a "Hamburger", but the doctors say his condition has stabilized and they have high hopes for his recovery.

The baseball club wasn't the only club to engage in outright warfare. The orchestra club broke all the rules and two clarinets when they deployed their instruments as weapons. Two people were severely poked, five deafened, and a police team is currently searching for three missing students inside one of the tubas. The ecology club and the robotics team were beaten severely by the football team, and stormed out vowing revenge. (In related news, the football team has acquired an indefinite full-team vacation to the pacific island of Fiji.). After going outside for te, minutes to "meditate", the Existential club stormed the cafeteria demanding more food, but of course, that's what they do pretty much every day.

Some students got extremely desperate and took measures considered wild even by Rockettopia standards; president Obama has warned that the United States will take action if the Chemistry club ever does that again.

The people to entirely escape the war in the cafeteria were the skateboarders, who everyone refused to go anywhere near.

New Marijuana Dowsing Rod Fails

        Unfortunately, Rockettopia High School's trials of a $900 Marijuana Dowsing Rod failed when instead of pointing to lockers full of Marijuana, the consistently pointed towards skateboarders. As the teacher in charge of supervising the tests said, "The rod completely failed because we would be walking down the hallway, and a skateboarder walks by, and the rod refuses to point away from him. It was absurd.". The most impressive case of this was when the rod successfully located the guy responsible for the locker fire back in January from half way across the school.
        "We did try to use the rod for something useful", the aforementioned teacher commented, "but when we tried strip-searching a skateboarder, it ended badly. Three teachers are still in the hospital suffering from mental trauma. Get well soon!"
        The tests ended on friday, both because the dowsing rod was completely ineffective and because it exploded when brought near a member of the Existential Club.