Violent War Erupts in Cafeteria Over Seats

The 2013-2014 school year in Rockettopia got off to a bad start yesterday when violence erupted in all three lunches over the seating arrangements in the cafeteria. More specifically, lack of said seats. As Rockettopia High School's population has grown over the last few years, the cafeteria, which was designed to seat three hundred students, has been unable to seat sufficent numbers. The school administration has already tried bringing in new tables, bringing in even more new tables, and as of this year is offering toilet accommodations as "Dual-purpose seating". 

Despite this, there weren't enough seats to go around, resulting in a massive food fight in which, unlike the food fights that occur every day, the victor actually mattered. "My brothers! This table is our last hope! Now fight, not for your wives or children or villages, but for NOT SITTING ON THE FLOOR!!!", a member of the Anime club was heard to shout before the club charged the baseball team. During the attack, he was hit in the head by a "Hamburger", but the doctors say his condition has stabilized and they have high hopes for his recovery.

The baseball club wasn't the only club to engage in outright warfare. The orchestra club broke all the rules and two clarinets when they deployed their instruments as weapons. Two people were severely poked, five deafened, and a police team is currently searching for three missing students inside one of the tubas. The ecology club and the robotics team were beaten severely by the football team, and stormed out vowing revenge. (In related news, the football team has acquired an indefinite full-team vacation to the pacific island of Fiji.). After going outside for te, minutes to "meditate", the Existential club stormed the cafeteria demanding more food, but of course, that's what they do pretty much every day.

Some students got extremely desperate and took measures considered wild even by Rockettopia standards; president Obama has warned that the United States will take action if the Chemistry club ever does that again.

The people to entirely escape the war in the cafeteria were the skateboarders, who everyone refused to go anywhere near.

Rockettopian Appointed American Ambassador to Pitcairn Islands

To understand the full scope of this story, one must first understand the strange British terratory officially named "Pitcairn, Henderson, Ducie and Oeno Islands". Although five islands make up the Pitcairn islands, only Pitcairn is inhabited. It is also 3.5km across, smaller than Disney World. The current population estimate is around 48 people. Estimate because the island is virtually inaccessible, with no harbor or airstrip. The only way to get ashore is by longboat. Despite it's tiny population and one internet connection, the Pitcairn islands have their own top-level domain, .pn. The .pn domain became internationally known when the makers of The Hunger Games used it as the top-level domain for the fictional nation of Panem. Lionsgate studios, the producer of The Hunger Games, registered one to two domains for every inhabitant of the Pitcairns.^{[http://www.myhungergames.com/the-story-behind-pn]}

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Note: At this point, I have not made anything up

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The Pitcairn Islanders are almost all descended from the famous HMS Bounty mutineers and their tahitian companions, who landed on Pitcairn in 1790 and have been there ever since. In 2004, the Pitcairn islands were briefly in the news when six men, including the mayor, were convicted of sexually abusing children. These men represented a third of the adult male population. Despite it's tiny population, the islands have their own national language, Pitkern, which has been described as 'Atlantic Creole' and 'Jar Jar Binksish'. According to Wikipedia, these are some common phrases in Pitcairn:

Pitkern	English
Whata way ye?	How are you?
About ye gwen?	Where are you going?
You gwen whihi up suppa?	Are you going to cook supper?
I nor believe.	I don't think so.
Ye like-a sum whettles?	Would you like some food?
Do' mine.	It doesn't matter. I don't mind.
Wa sing yourley doing?	What are you doing? What are you up to?
I se gwen ah big shep.	I'm going to the ship.
Humuch shep corl ya?	How often do ships come here?
Cum yorley sulluns!	Come on all you kids!
I se gwen ah nahweh.	I'm going swimming.
Lebbe!	Leave it alone!
Cooshoo!	Good!

Pitcairn is the British territory that assures that the sun still never sets on the British Empire ^{[http://what-if.xkcd.com/48/]}.

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Note: Still haven't made anything up

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Since the Pitcairn Islands have only 48 residents and can only be accessed by longboat, many people were surprised when President Obama named notable Rockettopian Dave Westfield (RHS Class of 2002) American ambassador the Pitcairns. Westfield denies rumors that he got the job by calling Obama at 1 A.M. claiming to be a House Republican. Due to the significance of the first ever ambassador to the Pitcairns being from Rockettopia, we have desided to send reporter Sue Silverstien to accompany the Ambassador.

The Ambassador will be leaving for the Pitcairns in two weeks with an entorage of ten people. They will be delivered to the islands via airdrop, and the entire group will increase the population of the islands by 20%.

We here at News from Rockettopia look forward to covering this story.

Representative Bill Stoner: "I will vote to confirm Chuck Yeager only if Obama Admits he was Born in Lasagna"

        Rockettopia's representative to Congress in Washington DC said that he would "Vote to confirm Chuck Yeager only if President Obama admits he was born in Lasagna." Critics pointed out that it was Chuck Hagel, a former Nebraska Senator, not Chuck Yeager, the first man to fly faster than sound, who was president Obama's nominee, and that Lasagna is a dish and not a location (Did you mean Kenya?). Representative Stoner was unavailable for comment.
        In other news, the Representative's office stated that he was firmly and unconditionally opposed to the bill put forward by President Obama to ban all firearms, which critics pointed out was unnecessary as no such bill exists, and denied a rumor that the Congressman had engaged in an extramarital affair.