NSA Now Giving Dating Advice

With the news this week that the National Security Agency, or NSA, has all of our personal information and communications in a giant database, the question was raised, "What the f**k are they doing with all that?" The answer: Providing dating advice. In an attempt to improve the public impression of government spying, NSA officials are now encouraged to give dating advice to the people whose emails and phone calls they listen in on, said an anonymous source. "Sometimes when an employee sees someone who's really screwing up their relationship, it can be hard for a government employee not to offer suggestions.", the leaker from his hiding place, supposedly somewhere in Bhutan. "Now they don't have to hold back." Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel did not attempt to deny the NSA's new vocation. "I personally am glad that all these stolen personal records are finally being put to good use.", Hagel said.

Representative Bill Stoner: "I will vote to confirm Chuck Yeager only if Obama Admits he was Born in Lasagna"

        Rockettopia's representative to Congress in Washington DC said that he would "Vote to confirm Chuck Yeager only if President Obama admits he was born in Lasagna." Critics pointed out that it was Chuck Hagel, a former Nebraska Senator, not Chuck Yeager, the first man to fly faster than sound, who was president Obama's nominee, and that Lasagna is a dish and not a location (Did you mean Kenya?). Representative Stoner was unavailable for comment.
        In other news, the Representative's office stated that he was firmly and unconditionally opposed to the bill put forward by President Obama to ban all firearms, which critics pointed out was unnecessary as no such bill exists, and denied a rumor that the Congressman had engaged in an extramarital affair.