Violent War Erupts in Cafeteria Over Seats

The 2013-2014 school year in Rockettopia got off to a bad start yesterday when violence erupted in all three lunches over the seating arrangements in the cafeteria. More specifically, lack of said seats. As Rockettopia High School's population has grown over the last few years, the cafeteria, which was designed to seat three hundred students, has been unable to seat sufficent numbers. The school administration has already tried bringing in new tables, bringing in even more new tables, and as of this year is offering toilet accommodations as "Dual-purpose seating". 

Despite this, there weren't enough seats to go around, resulting in a massive food fight in which, unlike the food fights that occur every day, the victor actually mattered. "My brothers! This table is our last hope! Now fight, not for your wives or children or villages, but for NOT SITTING ON THE FLOOR!!!", a member of the Anime club was heard to shout before the club charged the baseball team. During the attack, he was hit in the head by a "Hamburger", but the doctors say his condition has stabilized and they have high hopes for his recovery.

The baseball club wasn't the only club to engage in outright warfare. The orchestra club broke all the rules and two clarinets when they deployed their instruments as weapons. Two people were severely poked, five deafened, and a police team is currently searching for three missing students inside one of the tubas. The ecology club and the robotics team were beaten severely by the football team, and stormed out vowing revenge. (In related news, the football team has acquired an indefinite full-team vacation to the pacific island of Fiji.). After going outside for te, minutes to "meditate", the Existential club stormed the cafeteria demanding more food, but of course, that's what they do pretty much every day.

Some students got extremely desperate and took measures considered wild even by Rockettopia standards; president Obama has warned that the United States will take action if the Chemistry club ever does that again.

The people to entirely escape the war in the cafeteria were the skateboarders, who everyone refused to go anywhere near.

A Modest Proposal: Improving RHS One Step At A Time Step 1 of 100257279129404975...

We here at News from Rockettopia wish to indicate a potential resolution to one of the great problems plaguing our local institution of secondary education: The fecal excretions of Boreal-North-American avians of the genus Branta Someone get the science correspondent away from the keyboard!!!

The thing, dudes and dudettes, is goose shit. Because dude, you know how, like, geese, like always shit all over the, like, fields and ruin all the, like, bugs, ya know, dude? (Someone drag the drug correspondent away from the computer! And while you're at it, confiscate his weed!)

We apologize for the inconvenience. The problem is, we have never had to cover goose crap before, so we really don't have a goose-crap-procedure. As editor, I hereby take control of this story. Now, from the beginning. One day, as I was knee deep in goose shit, as I know you all have been at one time, I thought to myself  "There must be a better way to run a football." While thinking about this, I lost the game. I also figured out a decent solution that I think will really take off. What does one do with pesky birds? One shoots them BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!! (Quick, inject him with some more sedatives!)
So... Kill the geese. But how? And then it came to me: A RHS Shooting Class! Since a baboon with  a wallet could go into a store and buy a dozen assault rifles with cash these days, it seems like it would be good for our youth to know what guns will kill you, and what guns will kill you and a bunch of your friends without reloading. So, a gun class including target practice on geese. The school board will object, but the NRA will probably donate money to buy them over to the plan. They'll be all over this. So, dead geese.
Stage 2: Cook the geese. The Rockettopia High School cooking class cooks the dead geese. Straightforward enough.
Step 3: Serve the meals prepared from the geese in the Rockettopia High School cafeteria, thereby saving money on feeding the students. I'm sure the students will be very happy as well. Given two choices, a poorly-prepared and likely contaminated meal made from an animal not normally eaten by humans, and cooked Canada Goose, I feel confident that nearly all of my fellow students will choose the latter.
So everyone! Request that the school initiate the Goose-to-food plan now!
Or just go and shoot geese. Doesn't matter to me.

(Don't let him see that I told you this, but his writing is terrible because most of our articles are outsourced to sweat-shops in India. This is the first time he had to write something.)

Earth Day Issue: Earth Complains about Week-late Birthday Parties, Green Team Hosts Cleanup, and SSE Hosts Coal-burning Protest

The planet Earth herself spoke out today to complain about the distressing number of Earth Day events sceduled a week after the actual celebration. "It's kinda annoying", the planet told reporters. "I just want to yell 'It was last week idiots!'" Earth has not spoken on the issue since.

---

The Rockettopia Cleanup Committee has a massive cleanup planned for this weekend, a week after earth day (*sigh*). The RHS Green Team, which is helping at the event, hopes to see a lot of RHS students at the event. "We hope we can make a dent in this town's significant litter problem. We have a problem in this town with plastic bags, other bags, plastic cups, tin cans, plastic bottles, rusted car parts, rusted cars, and a stranded World War II-era battleship. Not sure how that got there." When we asked the president why RHS students should attend the cleanup, she replied that there would be food, but refused to give details. A team member who wished to remain anonymous told News from Rockettopia that the contents of the snacks had been kept confidential in fear of a stampede of volunteers. "We're hoping for a few dozen people, and a few hundred would be wonderful. But if we told everyone about the refreshments, we might be dealing with crowds of a hundred thousand and above." The team had apparently decided to keep the information classified after a computer model showed that volunteers might come from as far away as Montana, and the combined weight of all the humans might cause Rockettopia to sink into the ground. Still, the team says, all volunteers are welcome. [For more information, see INS Note.]

---

Not everyone likes Earth Day. For example, the RHS Supply Side Economics club plans to hold a Coal-burning protest to raise awareness about how environmental regulations hurt billionaires. "We're very worried that when the government tries to stop companies from, say, turning a river into a lifeless sludge flow, the government is hurting one of the most vulnerable groups in the country: Multi-billion-dollar corporations and their billionaire owners.", the president of the SSE club told us when we reached him on his private yacht. "If pointless regulations on the amount of carcinogens a coal plant releases into the air are kept in place, CEOs may have to lay off some workers to preserve their million-dollar bonuses. That would be a true tragedy, and that's why we're staging a coal-burning rally to protest this horrible attempt to preserve what's left of life on earth." As a final note, the president of the SSE club denied rumors that he practices kissing on a poster of Ayn Rand in his room. We here at News from Rockettopia could find no evidence of such rumors. In preparation for the coal-burning rally, hospitals in the Rockettopia area are prepping their internal burn wards for a flood of patients.

---

INS (In All Seriousness) Note: For those of you who live in...you know where, the actual cleanup is at 500 Dedham Avenue, Saturday April 27th, from 8:00 AM to ~11:00AM. Everyone is welcome, and you should come no matter how long you stay. I will actually be there, if that helps. Note: Deflate head.