RHS Addiction Task Force Going After 2048

The Rockettopia High School administration announced today that they would be forming a task force to go after the highly addictive game 2048. Since it was published less than a month ago, 2048 has achieved a large following among everyone on the internet. The decision to go after 2048 came after a new study by the RHS Studying-Things Club found that 'playing 2048' is now the number one use of school computers, beating out the previous front-runners, 'watching porn' and 'using them as bongs'. "This logic-skill-building game 2048 has been wasting vital time that students could be using to do something productive like write an essay over-analyzing The Bean Trees.", the Principal told News from Rockettopia. "It must be stopped."
We here at News from Rockettopia are glad to see the administration switching its focus from marijuana to something actually addictive. Now, must... play... 2048. I'm sure I can spare just one more night's sleep!

Poll Shows That Among RHS Students, 0% Care About Student Government

A new poll published by the Rockettopia High School Polling Club Thursday concluded that Rockettopia High School students don't care about their Student Government. Among students polled who were not running for office, 100% 'Strongly Agreed' with the statement "There's no difference in what the different candidates will do if elected.". 83% 'Strongly Agreed' with the statement "A baboon could do it."
In fact, the only people the Polling Club could find who cared at all about the student election were people running in it. Even the friends of the candidates admitted that the election was not relevant to them. "I mean, my friend cares about the election, since he's running," a student who we, to protect his identity, will call X Wakazowkinski told us. "But even though she cares about the election, I can't think of anything she'd do differently then the other candidate."
We here at News from Rockettopia agree completely. Up next: How the federal government might be spying on your phone calls and might be about to cancel school lunches!

A Modest Proposal: Improving RHS One Step At A Time Step 1 of 100257279129404975...

We here at News from Rockettopia wish to indicate a potential resolution to one of the great problems plaguing our local institution of secondary education: The fecal excretions of Boreal-North-American avians of the genus Branta Someone get the science correspondent away from the keyboard!!!

The thing, dudes and dudettes, is goose shit. Because dude, you know how, like, geese, like always shit all over the, like, fields and ruin all the, like, bugs, ya know, dude? (Someone drag the drug correspondent away from the computer! And while you're at it, confiscate his weed!)

We apologize for the inconvenience. The problem is, we have never had to cover goose crap before, so we really don't have a goose-crap-procedure. As editor, I hereby take control of this story. Now, from the beginning. One day, as I was knee deep in goose shit, as I know you all have been at one time, I thought to myself  "There must be a better way to run a football." While thinking about this, I lost the game. I also figured out a decent solution that I think will really take off. What does one do with pesky birds? One shoots them BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!! (Quick, inject him with some more sedatives!)
So... Kill the geese. But how? And then it came to me: A RHS Shooting Class! Since a baboon with  a wallet could go into a store and buy a dozen assault rifles with cash these days, it seems like it would be good for our youth to know what guns will kill you, and what guns will kill you and a bunch of your friends without reloading. So, a gun class including target practice on geese. The school board will object, but the NRA will probably donate money to buy them over to the plan. They'll be all over this. So, dead geese.
Stage 2: Cook the geese. The Rockettopia High School cooking class cooks the dead geese. Straightforward enough.
Step 3: Serve the meals prepared from the geese in the Rockettopia High School cafeteria, thereby saving money on feeding the students. I'm sure the students will be very happy as well. Given two choices, a poorly-prepared and likely contaminated meal made from an animal not normally eaten by humans, and cooked Canada Goose, I feel confident that nearly all of my fellow students will choose the latter.
So everyone! Request that the school initiate the Goose-to-food plan now!
Or just go and shoot geese. Doesn't matter to me.

(Don't let him see that I told you this, but his writing is terrible because most of our articles are outsourced to sweat-shops in India. This is the first time he had to write something.)

Students Request Drug Sniffing Dogs for Rockettopia High

        A group of Rockettopia High School Students approached the Rockettopia School Committee this Tuesday to request drug dogs at RHS. The students were dispatched by the RHS student council, which has grown increasingly concerned about the drug problem at RHS.
        This problem was exemplified in a sting operation on March 14th that led to the arrest of two students selling Marijuana, Zoloft, and Tramadol. The student council immidietly expressed their disappointment that students were dealing illegal and prescription drugs, and the Existential Club expressed their relief that the police had not found the Cocaine, Meth, LSD, Bath Salts, Toads, Mushrooms, and Millipedes.
        The student council decided to act on the drug problem dispute half of the members not knowing what Marijuana is. When asked, one council member replied, "I'm not entirely sure. I think it's something like chewing gum. But it's really bad, I know that. If you get caught with it, the teacher asks you to stay after, which is the worst they can do, right?"
         After the local newspaper printed the names of the students who approached the school committee, the Existential Club told News from Rockettopia that they plan to give the offending students "An in-depth lesson on the fish life of Rockettopia. We expect them to be fully immersed and breathless with excitement."

Wellness Class Test Determines Which Form of Delusional Ignorance You Have

          On Tuesday of this week, the sophomores here at Rockettopia High School took the traditional Wellness* test to determine which of the two types of delusional ignorance they had.
          The unit was about something called the Locust of Control. This is whether one believes that all events are governed by free will, or all events are chance and we have no free will. There are, of course, only two opinions on the issue, both of which are delusional ignorance. There is no way to believe that some events, such as whether you win the lottery or whether you get hit by a car, are random chance and others, such as a test grade, are controlled. The idea that what country you live in helps determine your ability to climb the social ladder is quite frankly laughable, as is the concept that perhaps teaching students an oversimplified system of absolutes is a bad idea. The curriculum has been determined to be wildly successful by the teacher who teaches it and people who have no connection, and is expected to be included again next year.
          On a related note, a group of very confused RHS students have formed the Church of the Controlling Grasshopper. Meetings are Wednesdays after school in the cafeteria for all interested in attending.


*Wellness is what hippies call gym class

Goth vs. Goth Prank Goes Horribly Awry

        Blood was spilled yesterday after a Science Club prank introduced Rockettopia High School's Goths to actual Goths went horribly wrong. The Goths were a powerful Germanic tribe that played an important role in the destruction of the Roman Empire. Today's Goths are people, generally young people, who generally, dress in black, wear chains, wear heavy make-up, and have tattoos.
        Since the horrible incident yesterday, some staff and students have been able to piece together an account of what happened. The Science Club apparently thought it would be funny to use the RHS Particle Accelerator to go get ancient Goths and introduce them to modern Goths. However, the two Goth groups did not get along. Only minutes after they arrived, the Goths were sent running back to the Early Medieval Age, with both themselves and their pride seriously injured. On the upside, the Archaeology Club now has an abundance of artifacts to investigate.
        Following the incident, the Science Club was banned from using the Particle Accelerator for two months.

D&D Club Least Equipped to Handle Actual Troll

In a turn of events that surprized the entire Dungeons and Dragons Club, the D&D club was actually the least equipped student group to handle the troll that rampaged through Rockettopia High School on Wendsday. Although the D&D club leader, a self discribed 'Level 14 Elf Wizard', tried using magic to stop the rampaging beast, he was unsucessful, determining that the troll 'Is under the influence of a level 15 anti-type-6C-magic-shield-spell.' In related news, the D&D club has chosen a new leader.

The anti-cyberbullying club attempted to cure the troll's antisocial tendencies through compassion, and three of them were devoured before someone pointed out that 'It's not that kind of troll.' The ecology club withdrew to their ecological complex (i.e. Classroom with a lot of plants) to attempt to find a natural control.

After a few hours, the Robotics club defeated the troll with a giant killer robot. They said that they had not defeated the troll earlier because 'We thoguht it might give us more respect than the student council. But the council's going to give us a grant now, right?' The correctness of this statement was emphisized by the robot training a laser on the class president. We here at The Cornpopper hope that, in the words of the principal 'This damn school will stay quiet for a whi-' The principal's remarks were cut short as he was kidnapped by harpies.

To raise funds, The Cornpopper will be auctioning off a spot in an upcoming edition to the club that pays the most. The Psycology Club and the Ecology Club are currently neck and neck for first.

Student Sells Soul to Satan for CityCash

Yesterday, an unnamed student leaked the news that another unnamed student had told her that her friend’s boyfriend’s best friend had sold his soul to Satan for 1,000 CityCash.

CityCash, the form of currency in the popular Facebook game CityVille, has now become such an important part of the economy that 75% of stores now accept it as legal tender, and news networks issue daily updates on the strength of the CityDollar. “Looking at these facts, it’s inevitable that CityCash would become more valuable than the soul.”, said the president of the Rockettopia High Economics Club. “I think we can expect to see a lot more of this in the future.”

According to the spokesperson for the Psycology club, the soul-less student, who now wanders the hall looking for brains and avoiding glee fans, originally bargained for 10,000 CityCash, but was turned down by Satan, most likely because a soul is only worth so much, and Satan’s city doesn’t appear to be doing very well. “Anyway”, said the spokesperson,” this guy didn’t have much of a soul. He was in the D&D club, and they’re supposed to have an exclusive deal with Boccob.”

Sex in Sectionals

This week, the shocking truth came out that students in the Rockettopia String orchestra were using their sectional time for, among other things, sex. An onlooker reported this:

“I was walking past one of the practice rooms when I saw a girl walking in. Then I heard a brief conversation, followed by giggling and a flow of students leaving the room. Then the giggling intensified, followed by kissing sounds, other sounds, and cries of ‘Yes, yes, oh, oh, more, more, hehehe!’ I then quietly walked away.”

Despite the fact that the student only confided in his experience with a few close friends, the story quickly got around, resulting in the principal condemning the situation as ‘Shocking!’, the psychology club issuing a statement blaming the situation on the human instinct towards mindless sex. The Band also released a taped statement, “These shocking revelations show how mindless the string orchestra can be at times. However, do not use this as an excuse to condemn the entire music department. These allegations do not apply to the band.” The student body generally thinks this speech would be much more reassuring if not for the cries of ‘Ooohhh! Ooohhh! Yes! More! Faster! Oh, oh, oh!’ emanating from a nearby room.

The Chrous also released a statement, albeit of a different tone than the Band’s: “Why is anyone shocked by this? Isn’t this what sexionals is for? I mean, it’s sexionals, right?”

GSA running short of new Gay recruits

The Rockettopia High GSA fell short on new recruits from the freshman class, mostly in the ‘Gay’ department. “The GSA has more new straight members than ever”, said a GSA member, “But there are only a few Gay members.” The GSA refused to speculate on the cause of the seeming shortage of gay freshmen, but the Psycology Club was less reserved. “They’ve obviously all joined the football team”, said the Psycology Club president, “I mean, who could resist? The football team offers the ability to contort yourself into extremely sexual positions with other boys while seeming cool? It’s too good to pass up! I mean, how many straight boys would sign up for a club if it involved getting intimately close to attractive girls without any embaressment?” The Psycology club president was now smiling and brething heavily. “I mean, like, you know, when a cigar isn’t just a cigar!” The reporter then ended the interview for reasons he called “Obvious”.

String-Chorus Feud Turns Nasty

Yesterday, an unnamed strings player was found gagged, blindfolded, and stripped naked in the rain in Rockettopia Veteran’s Field. The violinist was first found by the football team, but was not reported for over half an hour, while the football team argued about who got to move her off the field. The argument ended with police intervention, but not before three football players sustained severe injuries and had to be hospitalized. Although it is not known for sure who perpetrated this offense, many suspect that the chorus was at fault. “The Chorus is barbaric”, said one unnamed cellist, “They’ll stop at nothing to win this feud.” However, when asked what winning the feud would entail, the cellist was unable to come up with an answer.
A spokesman for the string orchestra said that they would get back at the chorus, but did not elaborate on how.