Sex in Sectionals

This week, the shocking truth came out that students in the Rockettopia String orchestra were using their sectional time for, among other things, sex. An onlooker reported this:

“I was walking past one of the practice rooms when I saw a girl walking in. Then I heard a brief conversation, followed by giggling and a flow of students leaving the room. Then the giggling intensified, followed by kissing sounds, other sounds, and cries of ‘Yes, yes, oh, oh, more, more, hehehe!’ I then quietly walked away.”

Despite the fact that the student only confided in his experience with a few close friends, the story quickly got around, resulting in the principal condemning the situation as ‘Shocking!’, the psychology club issuing a statement blaming the situation on the human instinct towards mindless sex. The Band also released a taped statement, “These shocking revelations show how mindless the string orchestra can be at times. However, do not use this as an excuse to condemn the entire music department. These allegations do not apply to the band.” The student body generally thinks this speech would be much more reassuring if not for the cries of ‘Ooohhh! Ooohhh! Yes! More! Faster! Oh, oh, oh!’ emanating from a nearby room.

The Chrous also released a statement, albeit of a different tone than the Band’s: “Why is anyone shocked by this? Isn’t this what sexionals is for? I mean, it’s sexionals, right?”

String-Chorus Feud Turns Nasty

Yesterday, an unnamed strings player was found gagged, blindfolded, and stripped naked in the rain in Rockettopia Veteran’s Field. The violinist was first found by the football team, but was not reported for over half an hour, while the football team argued about who got to move her off the field. The argument ended with police intervention, but not before three football players sustained severe injuries and had to be hospitalized. Although it is not known for sure who perpetrated this offense, many suspect that the chorus was at fault. “The Chorus is barbaric”, said one unnamed cellist, “They’ll stop at nothing to win this feud.” However, when asked what winning the feud would entail, the cellist was unable to come up with an answer.
A spokesman for the string orchestra said that they would get back at the chorus, but did not elaborate on how.