Goth vs. Goth Prank Goes Horribly Awry

        Blood was spilled yesterday after a Science Club prank introduced Rockettopia High School's Goths to actual Goths went horribly wrong. The Goths were a powerful Germanic tribe that played an important role in the destruction of the Roman Empire. Today's Goths are people, generally young people, who generally, dress in black, wear chains, wear heavy make-up, and have tattoos.
        Since the horrible incident yesterday, some staff and students have been able to piece together an account of what happened. The Science Club apparently thought it would be funny to use the RHS Particle Accelerator to go get ancient Goths and introduce them to modern Goths. However, the two Goth groups did not get along. Only minutes after they arrived, the Goths were sent running back to the Early Medieval Age, with both themselves and their pride seriously injured. On the upside, the Archaeology Club now has an abundance of artifacts to investigate.
        Following the incident, the Science Club was banned from using the Particle Accelerator for two months.

New Discoveries Suggest Little Change in Valentines Day Traditions

An ancient text, only recently translated from Latin, has proven once and for all that the original purpose of valentines day was much the same as today: To make single people feel like crap. The history of Valentines day have been well known to archaeologists for a while, but this is the first text with information on the origins.

Valentines day was originally a Roman holiday, associated with Juno, goddess of Marriage (Hera to Greeks)(Why they didn't use Venus(Aphrodite), goddess of love, is something I have never understood). Juno's holiday was similar to the Valentine's day of today. When the Christians came to power in Rome, they changed all the Hellenistic holidays to Christian Holidays. The Spring Festival became Easter, The Solstace became Christmas, etc. Juno's holiday was renamed Saint Valentine's Day, but stayed pretty much the same.

The new text shows evidence of the very origin of Valentine's day. The text reads, roughly translated:

Antonius Suporius and his drunken buddies really liked to make fun of Marcus Thicaborus, so when he broke up with his girlfriend in Febuary, they vigorously made fun of him by loving (Latin word much ruder) their dates in full view of him. As this really pissed him off, they continued to do this every year, even after he had a date, as theirs were always prettier. Years later, others took up the tradition of rubbing their dates in single people's faces, sometimes more literally than others, and eventually this holiday became official and was named after the great goddess Juno. It really should have been Venus.

Never call the modern Valentine's day practice of taunting single people nontraditional again!