This is a serious administrative message:
It has come to my attention that some of our readers were under the impression that News from Rockettopia published real news. This is a fake news blog. We occasionally publish real news, such as the North Korean Unicorn, but unless news is explicitly stated to be real, it is fake. I blame myself for this misunderstanding and hope this clears everything up.
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
What to Expect in the Next Four Days
As many of you already know, some people believe that the world will end this friday. Here are some things to expect relating to this.
In the next four days: Nonstop History Channel end-of-the-world specials. They know that, one way or another, this market is not going to last long.
On December 21st: Nonstop 24-hour news coverage of every little event that might possibly have something to do with the apocalypse. People doing things that they always wanted to do but knew they'd regret.
Moments before midnight, December 21st: A massive crash in Apocalypse stock. Also a big crash in the Mayan Calendar industry.
December 22nd: A lot of people doing emergency Christmas shopping. Also a lot of I-told-you-sos. People regretting the things they did yesterday when they thought the world would end. People burning their Mayan calendars, lawn signs, and bumper stickers. Maybe even a few tattoo removals. All this is assuming we're still here, of course.
January 1st: The fiscal cliff. You know, the actual end of the world.
In the next four days: Nonstop History Channel end-of-the-world specials. They know that, one way or another, this market is not going to last long.
On December 21st: Nonstop 24-hour news coverage of every little event that might possibly have something to do with the apocalypse. People doing things that they always wanted to do but knew they'd regret.
Moments before midnight, December 21st: A massive crash in Apocalypse stock. Also a big crash in the Mayan Calendar industry.
December 22nd: A lot of people doing emergency Christmas shopping. Also a lot of I-told-you-sos. People regretting the things they did yesterday when they thought the world would end. People burning their Mayan calendars, lawn signs, and bumper stickers. Maybe even a few tattoo removals. All this is assuming we're still here, of course.
January 1st: The fiscal cliff. You know, the actual end of the world.
Monday, December 17, 2012
NRA: Democrats "Might use this as an excuse to save our children"
Warning: This article is unusually venomous. It's just that all those dead children was kind of upsetting.
A spokesman for the National Rifle Association responded today to the horrific mass shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, with a warning: "This is a tragedy; Obama and the Democrats might use this as an excuse to save our children." The terrible shooting, which took place on Friday at Sandy Hook Elementary School, killed 27 people, 20 of them children. Democrats and gun legislation advocates have since begun pressing for legislation that would stop these kinds of horrors. The NRA, however, has pushed back hard. Here is a full transcript of the spokesman's speech:
"You all are by now aware of the incident that took place in Newtown on Friday. A mentally unstable man shot his mother with her own assault rifle, then traveled to a school and killed 26 more people, 20 of them children. This is a tragedy; Obama and the Democrats might use this as an excuse to save our children."
"This incident, along with others recently such as the one in Aurora, the shopping mall, the NFL, and the Sikh temple, has given the anti-American evildoers who want to prevent such things an excuse to press their nonviolent rhetoric. Obama has never threatened to pass any sort of gun control or passed any gun control. Now that he has won a second term, he may carry out the promises that he did not make! We must stall any sort of legislation until America once again forgets the shock of the news of another mass shooting. We MUST live in a nation where Americans never have to go through the shock and soul-searching that happens after a shooting. Because... in our ideal nation... this is nothing unusual.
The fact that Adam Lanza was able to easily acquire an assault rifle without going through any sort of security check highlights a painful truth: We need more gun freedom. Until every American can get a full-sized machine gun out of a vending machine in a gas station so they can quickly respond to a threat, we are not safe. Until every elementary school child has a gun they are trained to use and to carry at all times, we are not safe. Only hours before Lanza started his attack and a world away, a man in China also attacked a school. However, since due to China's strict gun laws, he did not have a gun, all 22 of his victims are still alive. We must not become like China! We are America! Remember, American exceptionalism! We have a nation that has eight times the gun violence of other industrialized nations! We must never give up our freedom to watch our children DIE!"
In all likelihood, he would have continued, but at this point the speaker fell over with a bullet in his head.
Sources:
http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2012/12/15/gun-control-obama-shooting/1771417/
http://www.americanbar.org/groups/committees/gun_violence/resources/the_u_s_compared_to_other_nations.html
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/gunman-computers-may-key-connecticut-school-shooting-investigation-174438304.html
A spokesman for the National Rifle Association responded today to the horrific mass shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, with a warning: "This is a tragedy; Obama and the Democrats might use this as an excuse to save our children." The terrible shooting, which took place on Friday at Sandy Hook Elementary School, killed 27 people, 20 of them children. Democrats and gun legislation advocates have since begun pressing for legislation that would stop these kinds of horrors. The NRA, however, has pushed back hard. Here is a full transcript of the spokesman's speech:
"You all are by now aware of the incident that took place in Newtown on Friday. A mentally unstable man shot his mother with her own assault rifle, then traveled to a school and killed 26 more people, 20 of them children. This is a tragedy; Obama and the Democrats might use this as an excuse to save our children."
"This incident, along with others recently such as the one in Aurora, the shopping mall, the NFL, and the Sikh temple, has given the anti-American evildoers who want to prevent such things an excuse to press their nonviolent rhetoric. Obama has never threatened to pass any sort of gun control or passed any gun control. Now that he has won a second term, he may carry out the promises that he did not make! We must stall any sort of legislation until America once again forgets the shock of the news of another mass shooting. We MUST live in a nation where Americans never have to go through the shock and soul-searching that happens after a shooting. Because... in our ideal nation... this is nothing unusual.
The fact that Adam Lanza was able to easily acquire an assault rifle without going through any sort of security check highlights a painful truth: We need more gun freedom. Until every American can get a full-sized machine gun out of a vending machine in a gas station so they can quickly respond to a threat, we are not safe. Until every elementary school child has a gun they are trained to use and to carry at all times, we are not safe. Only hours before Lanza started his attack and a world away, a man in China also attacked a school. However, since due to China's strict gun laws, he did not have a gun, all 22 of his victims are still alive. We must not become like China! We are America! Remember, American exceptionalism! We have a nation that has eight times the gun violence of other industrialized nations! We must never give up our freedom to watch our children DIE!"
In all likelihood, he would have continued, but at this point the speaker fell over with a bullet in his head.
Sources:
http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2012/12/15/gun-control-obama-shooting/1771417/
http://www.americanbar.org/groups/committees/gun_violence/resources/the_u_s_compared_to_other_nations.html
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/lookout/gunman-computers-may-key-connecticut-school-shooting-investigation-174438304.html
Friday, December 14, 2012
North Korea Launches Satalites, Newscasters Declare: "This means ANYTHING is possible"
This Wednesday, North Korea announced that they had successfully launched a satellite into orbit. News anchors and pundits took this in stride, making jokes and generally taking the announcement with a grain of salt. But then a report came out that stunned the world into a shocked and horrified silence: the reports of the satellite launch might be true.
Further investigations showed that North Korea had, in fact, launched a 3-stage rocket carrying a satellite into orbit. As North Korea's missile tests have barely cleared the country to crash into the ocean, the world took the news that the North Koreans had managed to pull off a success in their ballistics program as a message that, in the words of CNN's Anderson Cooper: "This means ANYTHING is possible!"
Other newscasters and pundits jumped on board. ABC news announced that China had legalized unions and set a minimum wage. NBC told the world that the UN nations had voted unanimously to forgive all the world's debt. MSNBC declared that unemployment was down to 3%, and FOX news presented a 3-hour expose about the UN's plans to kidnap our children for their army and form a one-world government. With further investigation, News from Rockettopia found that the latter of these represented no significant change. Weather forecasters are currently predicting 90º temperatures for Canada and 3 feet of snow in Rio de Janeiro. One particularly optimistic forecaster predicted a rain of kittens and bolts of silk in Nevada. A less ambitious forecaster predicted a rain in Nevada.
Reporters stopped short, however, at predicting an agreement in Washington. As CNN's Wolf Blitzer put it: "You can only go so far with this."
UPDATE: A new report showed that the Korean Satellite might have an irregular and out-of-control orbit. The North Korean Government has denied this claim. Finally, some semblance of reality has been restored.
Further Reading:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/for-us-and-allies-n-korean-poses-threat-thats-difficult-to-curb/2012/12/12/a4411bde-4443-11e2-8c8f-fbebf7ccab4e_story.html
http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2012/12/13/167140486/report-north-koreas-satellite-may-be-tumbling-out-of-control
Further investigations showed that North Korea had, in fact, launched a 3-stage rocket carrying a satellite into orbit. As North Korea's missile tests have barely cleared the country to crash into the ocean, the world took the news that the North Koreans had managed to pull off a success in their ballistics program as a message that, in the words of CNN's Anderson Cooper: "This means ANYTHING is possible!"
Other newscasters and pundits jumped on board. ABC news announced that China had legalized unions and set a minimum wage. NBC told the world that the UN nations had voted unanimously to forgive all the world's debt. MSNBC declared that unemployment was down to 3%, and FOX news presented a 3-hour expose about the UN's plans to kidnap our children for their army and form a one-world government. With further investigation, News from Rockettopia found that the latter of these represented no significant change. Weather forecasters are currently predicting 90º temperatures for Canada and 3 feet of snow in Rio de Janeiro. One particularly optimistic forecaster predicted a rain of kittens and bolts of silk in Nevada. A less ambitious forecaster predicted a rain in Nevada.
Reporters stopped short, however, at predicting an agreement in Washington. As CNN's Wolf Blitzer put it: "You can only go so far with this."
UPDATE: A new report showed that the Korean Satellite might have an irregular and out-of-control orbit. The North Korean Government has denied this claim. Finally, some semblance of reality has been restored.
Further Reading:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/for-us-and-allies-n-korean-poses-threat-thats-difficult-to-curb/2012/12/12/a4411bde-4443-11e2-8c8f-fbebf7ccab4e_story.html
http://www.npr.org/blogs/thetwo-way/2012/12/13/167140486/report-north-koreas-satellite-may-be-tumbling-out-of-control
Wednesday, December 12, 2012
Psy Apologises for 2004 Song Praising the Killing of US Troops: "I never thought anyone would ever know or care"
Yesterday, the hit K-Pop singer and creator of 'Gangam Style' apologized for his 2004 song that praised the killing of American soldiers in Iraq. In his words: "I never thought anyone would know or care." The song, titled "Dear American", condemns the Iraq war and has lyrics that read:
(God, translating programs are bad!)
Which, when transalated by a human into English, reads, roughly:
"이라크 포로를 고문해 댄 씨발양년놈들과고문 하라고 시킨 개 씨발 양년놈들에딸래미 애미 며느리 애비 코쟁이 모두 죽여아주 천천히 죽여 고통스럽게 죽여"
Which, transalated, reads:
"سخيف تعذيب السجناء العراقيين دان وكمية من مجال للحدائقوقال مستشار لك شيت على كمية من مجال للحدائقالطفل ايمي ابنة في القانون آبي Ofay قتلقتل ببطء جدا له معاناة."
Which, in English, reads:
"F**king torturing Iraqi prisoners Dan and the amount of room for gardeners
Advisor told you to S**t on the amount of room for gardeners
Baby Amy daughter-in-law Abby Ofay kill
Very slowly killing him suffer."
(God, translating programs are bad!)
Which, when transalated by a human into English, reads, roughly:
"Kill those **** Yankees who have been torturing Iraqi captives
Kill those **** Yankees who ordered them to torture
Kill their daughters, mothers, daughters-in-law, and fathers
Kill them all slowly and painfully"
Or possibly:
Ok, screw translation. Back to the topic. Psy argued that the song was excusable because at the time, as he said, "I never even imagined a situation in which anyone would remember, know, or care about this cover of another band's song that I did." Some people have critisized this statement, arguing that it was not a real apology. Others have argued that this is a good thing, as that makes this statement more honest than every apology given by a politician since Oog claimed that he had no knowledge about whether the cave-painting of a loincloth that appeared on his wall was of him or not.
Former presidential candidate Mitt Romney expressed sympathy with Psy, stating, "The exact same thing happened to me!"
INS (In all Seriousness): Those of you interested in the actual story, I recommend reading this:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/worldviews/wp/2012/12/11/controversy-over-psys-anti-american-lyrics-might-be-based-on-shoddy-translation/
All the **** Yankees torturing IraqisOr maybe something else that sounds similar and might have a completely different meaning:
All those **** Yankees who ordered the torturing
Kill their daughters, mothers, daughters-in-law and fathers
Kill them very slowly and painfully."
"The **** despicable Western women and men who tortured Iraqi war prisoners and
Dog **** despicable Western women and men who gave orders to torture
Their daughter, mother, daughter-in-law, father the big-nose, kill all
Very slowly kill, painfully kill."
Ok, screw translation. Back to the topic. Psy argued that the song was excusable because at the time, as he said, "I never even imagined a situation in which anyone would remember, know, or care about this cover of another band's song that I did." Some people have critisized this statement, arguing that it was not a real apology. Others have argued that this is a good thing, as that makes this statement more honest than every apology given by a politician since Oog claimed that he had no knowledge about whether the cave-painting of a loincloth that appeared on his wall was of him or not.
Former presidential candidate Mitt Romney expressed sympathy with Psy, stating, "The exact same thing happened to me!"
INS (In all Seriousness): Those of you interested in the actual story, I recommend reading this:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/worldviews/wp/2012/12/11/controversy-over-psys-anti-american-lyrics-might-be-based-on-shoddy-translation/
Sunday, December 2, 2012
Obama says America 'Might Leave Afghanistan Someday'
In a press conference yesterday, president Obama announced that he has plans to 'Maybe leave Afghanistan someday.'. American troops have been in Afghanistan for over ten years, and the region is as unstable as ever. Obama plans to withdraw from Afghanistan by 2014, unless it is necessary to stay longer, which looks increasingly likely. America will withdraw from Afghanistan when the Afghan military is capable of fighting the Taliban on it's own. However, after this year's surge of attacks on Americans by Afghan troops, some wonder if the Taliban are the ones who the Afghan army wants to fight. Many experts believed that America would have a military presence in Afghanistan until the sun goes out in approximately 5 Billion Years, but Obama's announcement of a 'Someday' withdrawal date has some experts daring to hope that America will leave by 2143. "It's still a while", one expert quipped, "but it's a huge improvement on before.".
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Rockettopia to Send Washington D.C. Emergency Shipment of Preschool Teachers
As the the gridlock in Washington D.C. is beginning to seem like it might ease, as was once thought impossible, the Rockettopia Town Council yesterday decided to do it's patriotic duty and approved an emergency shipment of preschool teachers to help congress work out a compromise.
When asked about this decision, the head of the town council remarked, "I've had this idea for a while now, but the teachers always said that when a a toddler is throwing a tantrum, it's impossible to reason with them, and the same can be said for congress. But now that congress is feeling like it can talk about the problem, we hope that our best preschool teachers will be able to help them work out an agreement. "
After the announcement about the emergency shipment was made, I caught up with a member of the crack team of preschool teachers who will be sent on the mission. She asked that her name not be released, but was willing to talk. "I'm honored by being chosen for this assignment, and I expect that we will be able to make some progress with Congress, even if they are more temperamental than any toddler I've ever dealt with. It will be hard work, but sooner or later the top legislative body in the country will understand that to work together, both sides have to give up a little to get a little."
Senate minority Mitch McConnell responded to the teachers by speaking to congress about the dangers of public education, but the teachers remain optimistic "It's a once-in-a-lifetime challenge, but I think Congress will come around. Otherwise, God help us all."
When asked about this decision, the head of the town council remarked, "I've had this idea for a while now, but the teachers always said that when a a toddler is throwing a tantrum, it's impossible to reason with them, and the same can be said for congress. But now that congress is feeling like it can talk about the problem, we hope that our best preschool teachers will be able to help them work out an agreement. "
After the announcement about the emergency shipment was made, I caught up with a member of the crack team of preschool teachers who will be sent on the mission. She asked that her name not be released, but was willing to talk. "I'm honored by being chosen for this assignment, and I expect that we will be able to make some progress with Congress, even if they are more temperamental than any toddler I've ever dealt with. It will be hard work, but sooner or later the top legislative body in the country will understand that to work together, both sides have to give up a little to get a little."
Senate minority Mitch McConnell responded to the teachers by speaking to congress about the dangers of public education, but the teachers remain optimistic "It's a once-in-a-lifetime challenge, but I think Congress will come around. Otherwise, God help us all."
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