Special Report from the Korean Central News Agency

        Our dear friends at the Korean Central News Agency, the offical news source of the 'Democratic People's Republic of [North] Korea' yesterday reported that North Korean archaeologists had found the lair of the ancient King Tongmyong's Unicorn. The Lair of the Unicorn, which was ridden by the founder of the ancient Koruryo kingdom, is apparently located in Pyongyang, proving that Pyongyang is the legitimate capitol of Korea. But all anyone can talk about is the unicorn. "Korea's history books deal with the unicorn, considered to be ridden by King Tongmyong, and its lair.", remarked Jo Hui Sung, the head of the DPRK Academy of Social Sciences' History Department. Unfortunately, the editors of News from Rockettopia suspect that the international media, which is notoriously biased against the DPRK, will not take this important discovery seriously.


Editor's Note: We didn't make this up. Any of it. You can read all about it here:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/northkorea/9714907/North-Korea-archaeologists-report-unbelievable-discovery-of-unicorn-lair.html

http://www.kcna.co.jp/index-e.htm

http://foolocracy.com/2012/11/north-korea-announces-discovery-of-unicorn-lair/

"Breaking Dawn: Part 2" represents "Monumental Breakthrough" in Enhanced Interrogation Tecniques

    Since the release of the much-anticipated film "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2" a few weeks ago, the film has been praised by teenage girls and condemned by just about everyone else. There is, however, an exception: The CIA. As a CIA administrator who declined to be named remarked: "My daughter begged me to let her go to this movie, but I had heard bad things about it, so I decided to see it myself first. After the first few minutes, I was clawing at my eyes and waiting for death to take me. But then it hit me: This would be a great EIT!"
        EITs, or Enhanced Interrogation Techniques  are modern forms of torture used by CIA agents at America's Guantanamo Bay facility to extract information from suspected terrorists. The Idea of using Twilight to get people to talk quickly gained popularity among the CIA. The president of the United States Government's Guantanamo Military Commission, which oversees the Guantanamo Prison, commented: "These people are hardened criminals. They can handle having water poured up their noses or being deprived of sleep for days on end, but no man, no matter how strong, can stand 2 hours of sparkling vampire romance."
        The initial trials are going well. As another CIA agent commented: "There was this guy, Mahmoud, who we just couldn't get to talk. We tried everything: Waterboarding, Sleep deprivation, shouting, but nothing seemed to work. Then we set him up in the 'Vampire Room' and in fifteen minutes he was spilling his guts. The information gained from Mahmoud has resulted al Quada's number two man being killed five times in two days, and..." At this point, the agent trailed off, becoming increasingly concerned with the laser scope point on his head. Our reporter decided it was time to go.

Blogger Claims to No Longer be a Condescending Jerk

After a few months of contemplation, Rockettopia High School's self-proclaimed 'Greatest Blogger' claimed that he was ready to stop being a Holier-than-thou, condescending, jerk. He claims that this happened after he realized that being mean to people, even imaginary ones, was not funny, but considering who this is, someone most likely told him. He will now be writing articles that will be less nasty, and more importantly, actually funny. Critics disagree on which of these two statements is more completely absurd.

Kim Kardashian Responds to 'Idiot' Remark in a Monosyllabic Rant

Reality star Kim Kardashian, star of the hit reality show Keeping Up with the Kardashians and four-time winner of coveted the Dumbest Twitter Fad award, responded yesterday to John Hamm's insult of her as a '[expletive] idiot' in a monosyllabic rant incomprehensible to all listeners over the age of twenty-five. Her speech began with the phrase: "You know how John Hamm called me an idi-ot yesterday? He was, like, so, like, off base. I'm not an idi-ot. That's like, so, like, mean, like, like, like. Like. I'm not stu-pid, like, like, not at all. " She went on like this for a total of over thirty minutes, never using a word with more than one syllable. Kim Kardashian has since gained 100,000 new twitter followers.

In related news, the Rockettopia High detective club has traced the missing quarterback to the southwest united states, most likely in the legendary Mojave desert.

Quarterback Kidnapped by Robot Helicopter

In a strange turn of events this week, the Rockettopia High School football team quarterback was kidnapped by a giant robot heliocopter. The quarterback was taken by the helicopter in broad daylight and in view of twenty-six witnesses. Some have placed guilt on the Robotics Club for the kidnapping, due to the fact that the club has been working on a secret project for the last two weeks and began the project after the Quarterback called them all 'Gay retards'. The robotics club has issued a statement denying these claims. In related news, an anonymous student witnessed a discreet conversation between the Robotics Club and Psychology Club presidents in which the witness discerned the words "Brainwashing", "Mojave Desert", and "World's Best Realdoll". No-one has determined the meaning of these words.

Whatever happens, we'll keep you posted right here!

New Discoveries Suggest Little Change in Valentines Day Traditions

An ancient text, only recently translated from Latin, has proven once and for all that the original purpose of valentines day was much the same as today: To make single people feel like crap. The history of Valentines day have been well known to archaeologists for a while, but this is the first text with information on the origins.

Valentines day was originally a Roman holiday, associated with Juno, goddess of Marriage (Hera to Greeks)(Why they didn't use Venus(Aphrodite), goddess of love, is something I have never understood). Juno's holiday was similar to the Valentine's day of today. When the Christians came to power in Rome, they changed all the Hellenistic holidays to Christian Holidays. The Spring Festival became Easter, The Solstace became Christmas, etc. Juno's holiday was renamed Saint Valentine's Day, but stayed pretty much the same.

The new text shows evidence of the very origin of Valentine's day. The text reads, roughly translated:

Antonius Suporius and his drunken buddies really liked to make fun of Marcus Thicaborus, so when he broke up with his girlfriend in Febuary, they vigorously made fun of him by loving (Latin word much ruder) their dates in full view of him. As this really pissed him off, they continued to do this every year, even after he had a date, as theirs were always prettier. Years later, others took up the tradition of rubbing their dates in single people's faces, sometimes more literally than others, and eventually this holiday became official and was named after the great goddess Juno. It really should have been Venus.

Never call the modern Valentine's day practice of taunting single people nontraditional again!

New England Refuses to Accept that Patriots Sucked

Over the last few days, New Englanders refused to accept that the patriots totally sucked at the super bowl. Many theories have condensed to explain away the fact that the Patriots lost the Super Bowl by a staggering four points. The most common conspiracy states that the Giants kidnapped the actual New England Patriots prior to the big game and replaced them with a team of robots. Although the robots were originally programmed to lose by more points, the theorists say that not even robots could have lost to the NY Giants that badly.
The Supply Side Economics Club is still going to do an article in the Cornpopper, which will be reprinted here. The Cornpopper staff have supposedly attempted through every possible means to stop the article from being printed. In an unofficial statement, an unnamed editor said that the Supply Side Economics Club article was "So crazy it makes Newt Gingrich sound sane. It's like saying 'Screw the Poor' but meaning it. I must remember the yacht." He is apparently referring to the three hundred foot yacht that was donated to the Cornpopper staff from an unknown source.