Twitter Pre-emptively Complaining About Oscar Picks

Despite the fact that, as of this writing, the Oscars that people actually care about such as Best Picture, Best Animated Picture, Best Actor, and Best Actress have not yet been awarded, people on twitter are already whining about the choices. One tweeter¹, who wisely hides behind the handle "@JUK12345", tweeted "@MPAA tots picked teh rong pic 4 best movee! #oscars #wrong". Another literate and urbane user, whose handle we cannot print in a civilized publication such as this one, wrote "[expletive] #oscars [expletive] [expletive] leonardo dicaprio [expletive]."
One can only imagine how much people will yowl once they actually learn who won.

1. Yes, I did in fact just Google "twitter user pronoun", and, finding nothing, make up my own. So sue me.

Mysterious Posters Confound School Officials

School authorities are scratching their heads after mysterious posters appeared around Rockettopia High School this Monday. The posters, which appear to satirize school-authorized anti-marijuana posters, feature a cynical image, a masterfully faked approval stamp, and a link to a certain blog that some of our readers may have heard of. We at News from Rockettopia want to make it clear that we have no idea where these disruptive and subversive posters originated, and in no way had this article already written before the posters appeared. We hope that the pranksters behind this are brought to justice soon, but they would seem to be far to intelligent and devious to be caught.
Below is an image of the poster that is without question a photograph:

BREAKING: Snow Predicted to End by 2017

(2/13/2014) The National Weather Service just announced today that they predict the current blizzard to end by the year 2017. Snow will likely begin to taper off sometime in late 2015, but heavy snowfall may continue in bursts until mid 2016. By 2017, the NWS guarantees that schools will be able to re-open. The head of the national weather service released a statement from his car, where he is currently trapped, saying, "The delay of all activities for three years due to snow is certainly unfortunate and inconvenient, but on the other hand, we don't have to deal with 2016 election campaigns, so it's a mixed blessing.

School Staff Somehow Manages To Screw Up Propaganda Posters

The Rockettopia High School administration continued to demonstrate its ability to bungle even the most basic tasks earlier this week when it was discovered that they had somehow managed to screw up a simple 'Say-No-To-Drugs' poster. The poster, which attempted to inform students that eight out of ten students don't smoke pot, would have been simply ignored by everyone if it hadn't contained the cryptic message "Fun Fact: The Hawaiian alphabet has twelve letters!". The message appeared in tiny letters, and was so strange and out-of-place that the only people who would be interested were those already high, which may have been the point.
But, as it was discovered this week, the crimes of the administration go beyond attempting to stop students from smoking pot: The Hawaiian alphabet actually has eighteen letters and eleven diphthongs, whatever the hell those are.
I will pause here while those of you who are stoned muse about the word 'diphthong' for five minutes.
...
It's not quite clear how the RHS poster-makers screwed this one up; a simple Google search of 'Hawaiian alphabet' quickly redirects one to this Wikipedia page, which explains the proper number of letters and diphthongs...
Do we have to do this again?
Fine...
...
in the Hawaiian alphabet. Whatever the cause, we here at News from Rockettopia demand that this error be corrected at once! We want our administration's propaganda to contain no irrelevant lies. Only relevant ones.

New Kickstarter Raising Money for Hit Job on Geico Marketers

The New York Times reported today that a new Kickstarter project that claims to be raising money "To hire an assassin or assassins to kill the entire Geico marketing company." The Kickstarter is capitalizing on anger over Geico's new talking painting commercials, which are, according to #TehAnnoyingThingsResearchInstitute, one of the most annoying things ever created by mankind. Over half of the five million dollar goal has been raised via Kickstarter in the two days since the project began. Prominent donors include Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mitt Romney, Carlos Slim, Tom Hanks, Kim Kardashian, and literally every person who has ever seen the ads.

Earlier today, Kickstarter released an official statement on the ads. "Our website is intended to raise money for startups, not non-profits, and in addition we oppose mass murder as a company policy." They went on to say, "However, we took a look at those Geico ads, and on second thought, we're not going to interfere just this once. Now excuse me, I need to go donate more money to those freedom fighters."

Facebook Continues Campaign to Become Abandoned and Obsolete

The Social Media giant Facebook today warned announced that this Thursday would see an escalation of its running campaign to slip into obsolescence. The campaign, code-named "Operation MySpace", began with the introduction of "Sponsored Stories" in 2011 and has escalated continuously ever since. When News from Rockettopia asked an employee, who declined to be named, about the campaign, she told us: "I was involved in Operation MySpace from the beginning. We thought that 'Sponsored Stories', you know, making unsuspecting customers into spokespeople for 55-gallon barrels of lube, would do the trick, but they just kept coming!" A weapon of mass frustration was launched later that year with the timeline bug feature, which persists to this day despite calls by everyone, ever to remove it. Facebook continued the campaign into 2012 with the introduction of mobile ads to clog up smartphone screens and hopefully drive customers away to Twitter, Tumblr, or Pintrest. And all this time, Facebook made it very clear that they would sell any personal information on a user to any client with the money.
"Quite frankly, I'm surprised that there's anyone still on Facebook at this point,", our informant told us. "I would think that at this point they'd be desperate enough to go to Google+ if need be, but we seem to have underestimated the power of brand loyalty. But we haven't given up yet."
Facebook hopes that their new autoplaying video ads in users' newsfeeds and the taunting launch of the dislike button only for private messages will manage to disgust their customer base enough to end Facebook's run as a top Social Networking site. Our contact, however, is skeptical. "If we haven't managed to drive away every man, woman, and child on Earth by now, there's no hope. We'll try, but nothing could possibly break Facebook except turning off every server in the world. That or an influx of parents."

ADDITIONAL READING!!!
http://www.theverge.com/2013/12/17/5219216/facebook-dislike-button-messenger-sticker
http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-12-17/facebook-to-start-showing-video-ads-this-week-journal-reports.html
http://www.ebizmba.com/articles/social-networking-websites
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/facebook-to-start-selling-video-ads-153126093.html
http://nbergus.com/2012/02/how-i-became-amazons-pitchman-for-a-55-gallon-drum-of-personal-lubricant-on-facebook/
http://blog.hubspot.com/marketing/history-facebook-adtips-slideshare

Study Shows 2013 Not Over Yet

A new study released yesterday has demonstrated conclusively that the year 2013 is not yet over. The study, which has shown that there may be as many as sixteen days left in 2013 as of today, has caused panic among major news organizations which, under the impression that 2013 had ended last week, had released their various stats, lists, and 'Top 10's of 2013. As the author of the study said, "Although many people seem to be under the impression that 2013 is over, our findings show that this is not the case. So there's still time for a few memorable events. President Obama could go on a public bath salts binge! North Korea could invade South Korea! Justin Bieber could do something! Congress could pass more than the most basic legislation! Well, not that last one. But you see my point; it turns out that everyone has really jumped the gun here. 2013 is not over yet."
CNN responded to the findings by declaring the study fourth in the 'Top 10 Crazy Studies of 2013'.