Study Shows 2013 Not Over Yet

A new study released yesterday has demonstrated conclusively that the year 2013 is not yet over. The study, which has shown that there may be as many as sixteen days left in 2013 as of today, has caused panic among major news organizations which, under the impression that 2013 had ended last week, had released their various stats, lists, and 'Top 10's of 2013. As the author of the study said, "Although many people seem to be under the impression that 2013 is over, our findings show that this is not the case. So there's still time for a few memorable events. President Obama could go on a public bath salts binge! North Korea could invade South Korea! Justin Bieber could do something! Congress could pass more than the most basic legislation! Well, not that last one. But you see my point; it turns out that everyone has really jumped the gun here. 2013 is not over yet."
CNN responded to the findings by declaring the study fourth in the 'Top 10 Crazy Studies of 2013'.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is Not A Real Person, says study.

A study released today by the Journal of Things That Don't Happen In Real Life concluded that the embattled, crack-smoking mayor of Toronto does not exist. The study found that Ford's saga is so absurd that it doesn't merely push believability, it breaks right through the barrier of belief to the beautiful paradise of conspiracy. Ford simply can't be real, the study says, because people that absurd simply don't actually exist. How absurd is Rob Ford? Here's a quick refresher, helpfully provided by Jon Stewart:

Rob Ford
More Rob Ford
This man is f**king unbelievable.
Oh my god.
I can't wait to see what happens next!

Are you really still reading this? Haven't you passed out from laughing yet?

Since Ford has now admitted to smoking crack during a drunken stupor and is suspected of seeing a prostitute, snorting crack, driving while drunk, sexually harassing staffers, [I can't even think what to say here] etc. However, according to the Stupid People Research Center, stratigically located in Miami, Florida, Rob Ford does not actually exist. The leader of the study, Andrew Marinelli, wrote that "We here at the Stupid People Research Center have spent years studying amazing people such as Anthony Wiener, Herman Cain, Charlie Sheen, Donald Trump, and others. We have used this data to develop the Dumbass Scale to measure stupidity. The scale ranges from 0 to 100, and includes all conceivable levels of stupid. Toronto mayor Rob Ford scores 351 on the scale. Therefore, we have concluded that Ford and his actions are entirely fictitious."

Marinelli spends most of the paper describing the calculations involved in the Dumbass Scale and the thorough math that led the team to their conclusion. He does, however, take a few sentences at the end of the article to make some guesses about how Rob Ford came to not-exist. According to Marinelli, "Since we have virtually no data on the subject, we can only speculate on the identity of the person or organization that invented Rob Ford. It's possible that the Obama Administration invented Ford to distract people from the healthcare screwup. However, we think it's more likely that he was created by the Canadian government to make sure no one, anywhere, ever calls Canada boring again."

When interviewed later, Marinelli was asked why, if Rob Ford was ficticious, he had a record of public appearances, a birth certificate, and election wins. Marinelli responded, simply, "Math doesn't lie."

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INS Note: Okay, this story was totally just an excuse to talk about Rob Ford. Will you forgive us?

BOSTON RED SOX WIN WORLD SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GO SOX! GO SOX! GO SOX! GO SOX! GO SOX!!!!!

Ahem.
Sorry.

Fans across Massachusetts, the state we will pretend everyone did suddenly not realize I live in, were ecstatic last night after the Boston Red Sox WON THE WORLD SERIES AT HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 96 YEARS!!!!!!!! GO SOX!!!!!

Again, Sorry. We have to maintain GO SOX! patriotic spirit here at News from Rockettopia.

Bostonians celebrated the Sox's victory, which shone especially when contrasted with the dismal season the team experienced last year, by getting drunk and yelling. This is known colloquially in Boston as a 'Wednesday'. When interviewed, fans responded ecstatically to the win, and many saw it as a sign of Massachusetts' recovery after the twin tragedies of the Boston Marathon Bombing of last April and Mitt Romney.

Wait for it...

GO SOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sexy Halloween Costumes

This Halloween has seen a continuation in the growing trend of sexy Halloween costumes. These costumes, which are exactly what they sound like, are...
raise the question...
show...
make one think...
interact with Rockettopia in some way...
Dammit! How can I make fun of this!? This is so stupid!!! The world has already made this dumb trend so extreme that it's a parody of itself. Normally, I'd take something stupid like 'Sexy Pizza' and 'Sexy Walter White' and 'Sexy Bacon' and 'Sexy NSA Agent' and make up things like 'Sexy Leatherface' and 'Sexy Mental Patient' and 'Anna Rexia' and 'Sexy Osama bin Laden', but ALL THOSE ARE REAL!! I didn't HAVE to make them up! How am I supposed to make something up to top that kind of offensive absurdity!! Sexy Barack Obama? Nah, that would be trying too hard. Really, once there's Sexy bin Laden, it's physically impossible to fall any further.
Please don't take that as a challenge. Please.

In all Seriousness Notes:
1. If a costume has the modifier 'Sexy' in it, it's probably something that should not be sexy.
2. Please don't wear any of these costumes.

If you want to be mentally traumatized, here are the referenced costumes.
If you want to be even more traumatized, here are some things that don't exist. This year, at least.

RHS Religious Club Holds Pre-Halloween Seminar on Demonic Possession

In preparation for Halloween, the Rockettopia High School religious club will be holding a seminar on Demonic Possession in the auditorium after school this coming Monday. The speakers, who include professional public lunatic Pat Robertson, professional politician and bigot Rick Santorum, rocker and gun-toting racist wacko Ted Nugent, and the principal, will cover topics such as how to spot demonic possession, how to deal with demonic possession in others, and how to avoid being possessed yourself. All of these are standard demonic possession topics.

However, this seminar will also cover a topic specific to Rockettopia: How to tell the difference between Demonic Possession and drugs. the topic will be covered in depth in a two-hour joint lecture by the Reverend Terry Jones and a local teenager known as Cool Jim, who will discuss the similarities and differences between Demonic Possession and common drugs like LSD and Meth. Although anyone who has everyday encounters with drug users (Read: Everyone) is strongly encouraged to attend, the website for the seminar has put out a few simple tips:

If the person is talking about demons, Satan or the devil, you should at least look closely for other signs of Demonic Possession.

If the person attempts to conceal their symptoms, it's a strong sign of demonic possession.

A change in eye color is a sure sign of demonic possession.

Remember: If a person turns out to be just on drugs, do the polite thing and pretend not to notice.

The RHS Wicca Club will be holding its own seminar at the same date and time to discuss similar issues. Their seminar, which will be held in the local cemetery, will discuss the positive impacts of demonic possession and debunk some major urban legands about the 'dangers' of the condition.

Congress Now Wishing it was as Popular as Iran

In a series of new interviews with anonymous congresspeople, ABC News found that, as of Saturday, a majority of Congress wishes it was as popular as Iran. As the government shutdown crisis continues and the Debt Ceiling looms, Congress' popularity among Americans has slipped to 5%, less popular than hemorrhoids and toenail fungus. At the same time, Iran has shown a marked spike in popularity as it's new president Hassan Rouhani has shown himself to be less threaten-people-with-nukes-especially-Israel-y than his predecessor. As Iran has admitted UN inspectors to confirm that its nuclear is purely for peaceful purposes.
Likely due to a combination of these factors, Congress' approval rating is now far below that of Iran, which recently got a fifteen percent global approval rating, which in Congress is known as a "High point". So it's not surprising that John Boehner is growing a beard and many Congresspeople wish they could have Iran's public approval.
However, despite Congress' best efforts, their popularity seems to just keep plummeting. Another poll has shown that the phrase "It's scary that these wackos have nuclear weapons." is applied more to Congress than to Iran and North Korea combined, and a significant number of Americans are considering moving to a place like Russia, where the one guy makes all the terrible decisions without having to argue with anyone.

Shutdown Beginning to Impact Congress' Ability to Do Nothing

With the shutdown of the United States Government in it's eleventh day, journalists have begun to report an impact in Congress' ability to do nothing at all. According to The Newslo, "The last week and a half have seen a marked drop in Congressional inaction. If the shutdown continues, congress' ability to argue pointlessly and fail to accomplish even the most basic tasks may be altogether compromised."
Worse still, if the shutdown continues, we might actually start noticing.