Donetsk, Ukraine Observes Passover By Re-Enacting Antisemitism

The embattled city of Donetsk, Ukraine celebrated the Jewish holiday of Passover this week with the ancient tradition of antisemitism. Someone, it's currently unclear who, posted notices around the city telling Donetski Jews,

All citizens of Jewish nationality over the age of 16 who live on the territory of the sovereign Donetsk Republic must before May 3, 2014, appear before the Donetsk Republic commissar for nationality affairs in Room 514 of the government’s offices. The cost of registration is 50 US dollars.

That this event coincides with Passover may not be a coincidence. Passover celebrates the legendary escape of the Jewish people from Egypt, which, if historical, is the oldest case of antisemitism. Jews celebrate passover by gathering with family, praying, and eating Matzah, a kind of bread-cracker hybrid which ancient antisemite tradition claims is made from the blood of christian boys. However, many moderate antisemites today believe that such stories are not factually correct, but merely serve to remind believers that Jews must be feared and hated. Given the long history of Judiasm, antisemitism and Passover, it only makes sense that antisemites would celebrate Passover with the persecution of the Jews.
The tradition of antisemitism seen here has a rich cultural history. Archaeologists have found evidence of antisemitism dating back to hundreds of years before the birth of Christ, and it has been continuously practiced to some extent ever since. Antisemitism can range from the banning of synagogues to clothing restrictions to restrictions on residence to outright massacres, and in extreme cases systematic murder. Some critics have condemned antisemitism for being " is prejudice, hatred of, or discrimination against Jews for reasons connected to their Jewish religion or heritage" (Source: Wikipedia), but others respond that antisemitism is a rich and diverse culture that should not be painted with one brush.
One such person is Artem Oleksiy, an official of the self-declared Donetsk Republic. "We have a long tradition of antisemitism.", he told News from Rockettopia. "This new requirement that Jews register with the government is simply an expression of our rich cultural heritage. We are proud to be bigots." When asked if the Jew Registration Drive would lead to the establishment of ghettos, voting restrictions, and laws about Jewish-owned businesses, Oleksiy dismissed such claims nonchalantly. "Absurd. Those plans are not to be released to the public for three months yet."
As a practicing Jew, I hope that the two traditions of Judaism and the irrational hatred of Jews can coexist peacefully in Donetsk.

Sources:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/worldviews/wp/2014/04/17/what-we-know-about-the-grotesque-leaflet-handed-out-to-jews-in-donetsk/

AGSA Should Not Have Kept Quiet About Day of Silence

The student body awoke last Friday to discover that it was the national Day of Silence. The Day of Silence, which is organized locally by the AGSA (All Genders and Sexualities Alliance), is a day on which participants keep silent to protest the social pressures that make GLBTQ teens stay silent about who they are. Unfortunately, this year the AGSA did not talk to the school beforehand about the day of silence. So when Friday 4/11 arrived, the student body was caught off-guard. Many would-be participants were forced to speak because they had not been able to fill out the paperwork in time. To be absolutely clear, yes, I am saying that at Rockettopia High School, one must fill out paperwork days in advance just to be allowed to shut up.
Although supporter badges were avalable at the doors, and many students wore them, many have spoken out encouraging the AGSA to talk to the student body about the Day of Silence next year.

Ryan Proposes New Budget; Likely More Campaign Tool Than Legislation

House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan today announced that he would be attempting to propose an updated version of his trademark budget proposal this Wednesday. Ryan's budget will cut taxes radically for the rich, increase defense spending, cut medicaid, and, of course, repeal the Affordable Care Act, better known as Obamacare. The budget proposal is strange in that it has no chance of passing the Democrat-controlled Senate, and that Ryan-Murray budget, which Chairman Ryan drafted with senator Patty Murray last year, makes a budget proposal this year unnecessary. More likely, Ryan's new budget is a campaigning tool that the GOP will use to rally their voter base in preparation for the midterm elections this November.

Source: NPR

RHS Addiction Task Force Going After 2048

The Rockettopia High School administration announced today that they would be forming a task force to go after the highly addictive game 2048. Since it was published less than a month ago, 2048 has achieved a large following among everyone on the internet. The decision to go after 2048 came after a new study by the RHS Studying-Things Club found that 'playing 2048' is now the number one use of school computers, beating out the previous front-runners, 'watching porn' and 'using them as bongs'. "This logic-skill-building game 2048 has been wasting vital time that students could be using to do something productive like write an essay over-analyzing The Bean Trees.", the Principal told News from Rockettopia. "It must be stopped."
We here at News from Rockettopia are glad to see the administration switching its focus from marijuana to something actually addictive. Now, must... play... 2048. I'm sure I can spare just one more night's sleep!

School Musical Message: Repression is For Your Own Good

The Rockettopia High School production of Urinetown last weekend was stunningly successful. The performance was carried by amazing actors, skilled set design, a hardworking crew, and the overarching message that repression is for your own good.
For those not familiar with the musical, Urinetown is the story of a town in which all toilets are controlled by the Urine Good Company (UGC) and charge admission fees. Those who cannot pay the fees are executed. Eventually, a popular revolt deposes the dictatorial leaders of the UGC and make toilets free. And then they all die when the water runs out. Because what were they supposed to do, build outhouses or composting toilets or something?
 The underlying theme that the musical is intended to convey, according to the director, is that "However bad the authority's treatment of you may seem, however arbitrary and oppressive their rules, they're looking out for your own good and you should just go along with it." The obvious application of this message in everyday life is in marijuana. "We crack down on anyone who we catch with marijuana," the RHS principal told News from Rockettopia, "and we don't give a good reason why except that it's for some reason illegal and you should just do what we tell you. Our production of Urinetown was intended to drive home the message that these kinds of rules are for your own good, that you can't be expected to understand what they're for, that it's right to deal harshly with those who disobey or question, and that if you don't do as we say, bad things will happen."

RHSN Screws Up School Musical Information, Still Better than CNN

Despite the many screw-ups in the Rockettopia High School News coverage of the school musical, their coverage is still better than most of CNN, according to the Media Analysis Agency. The report, which was delivered today and represented a change from 'boring and stupid' to 'boring, stupid, and inaccurate', began with footage of chairs in what was may have been the wrong auditorium and and peaked when the voice-over claimed that the performance was by the charity group Students Acting to Make a Difference. While SAMD is a great charity, it is not in fact interchangeable with Rockettopia High School, as the narrator of that segment will probably learn a few minutes before he is fired.
Although the coverage was terrible, it was still better than CNN, said the MAA. RHSN, after all, has never sent two reporters to talk to each other from the same parking lot, which really happened I'm serious.
When the musical, Urinetown, is performed this weekend at the Neumann School Auditorium, we will cover it here at News from Rockettopia, but everyone should still go see what we assume, admittedly based on no evidence, will be an amazing production.

Twitter Pre-emptively Complaining About Oscar Picks

Despite the fact that, as of this writing, the Oscars that people actually care about such as Best Picture, Best Animated Picture, Best Actor, and Best Actress have not yet been awarded, people on twitter are already whining about the choices. One tweeter¹, who wisely hides behind the handle "@JUK12345", tweeted "@MPAA tots picked teh rong pic 4 best movee! #oscars #wrong". Another literate and urbane user, whose handle we cannot print in a civilized publication such as this one, wrote "[expletive] #oscars [expletive] [expletive] leonardo dicaprio [expletive]."
One can only imagine how much people will yowl once they actually learn who won.

1. Yes, I did in fact just Google "twitter user pronoun", and, finding nothing, make up my own. So sue me.