GSA running short of new Gay recruits

The Rockettopia High GSA fell short on new recruits from the freshman class, mostly in the ‘Gay’ department. “The GSA has more new straight members than ever”, said a GSA member, “But there are only a few Gay members.” The GSA refused to speculate on the cause of the seeming shortage of gay freshmen, but the Psycology Club was less reserved. “They’ve obviously all joined the football team”, said the Psycology Club president, “I mean, who could resist? The football team offers the ability to contort yourself into extremely sexual positions with other boys while seeming cool? It’s too good to pass up! I mean, how many straight boys would sign up for a club if it involved getting intimately close to attractive girls without any embaressment?” The Psycology club president was now smiling and brething heavily. “I mean, like, you know, when a cigar isn’t just a cigar!” The reporter then ended the interview for reasons he called “Obvious”.

String-Chorus Feud Turns Nasty

Yesterday, an unnamed strings player was found gagged, blindfolded, and stripped naked in the rain in Rockettopia Veteran’s Field. The violinist was first found by the football team, but was not reported for over half an hour, while the football team argued about who got to move her off the field. The argument ended with police intervention, but not before three football players sustained severe injuries and had to be hospitalized. Although it is not known for sure who perpetrated this offense, many suspect that the chorus was at fault. “The Chorus is barbaric”, said one unnamed cellist, “They’ll stop at nothing to win this feud.” However, when asked what winning the feud would entail, the cellist was unable to come up with an answer.
A spokesman for the string orchestra said that they would get back at the chorus, but did not elaborate on how.