A Modest Proposal: Improving RHS One Step At A Time Step 1 of 100257279129404975...

We here at News from Rockettopia wish to indicate a potential resolution to one of the great problems plaguing our local institution of secondary education: The fecal excretions of Boreal-North-American avians of the genus Branta Someone get the science correspondent away from the keyboard!!!

The thing, dudes and dudettes, is goose shit. Because dude, you know how, like, geese, like always shit all over the, like, fields and ruin all the, like, bugs, ya know, dude? (Someone drag the drug correspondent away from the computer! And while you're at it, confiscate his weed!)

We apologize for the inconvenience. The problem is, we have never had to cover goose crap before, so we really don't have a goose-crap-procedure. As editor, I hereby take control of this story. Now, from the beginning. One day, as I was knee deep in goose shit, as I know you all have been at one time, I thought to myself  "There must be a better way to run a football." While thinking about this, I lost the game. I also figured out a decent solution that I think will really take off. What does one do with pesky birds? One shoots them BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!! (Quick, inject him with some more sedatives!)
So... Kill the geese. But how? And then it came to me: A RHS Shooting Class! Since a baboon with  a wallet could go into a store and buy a dozen assault rifles with cash these days, it seems like it would be good for our youth to know what guns will kill you, and what guns will kill you and a bunch of your friends without reloading. So, a gun class including target practice on geese. The school board will object, but the NRA will probably donate money to buy them over to the plan. They'll be all over this. So, dead geese.
Stage 2: Cook the geese. The Rockettopia High School cooking class cooks the dead geese. Straightforward enough.
Step 3: Serve the meals prepared from the geese in the Rockettopia High School cafeteria, thereby saving money on feeding the students. I'm sure the students will be very happy as well. Given two choices, a poorly-prepared and likely contaminated meal made from an animal not normally eaten by humans, and cooked Canada Goose, I feel confident that nearly all of my fellow students will choose the latter.
So everyone! Request that the school initiate the Goose-to-food plan now!
Or just go and shoot geese. Doesn't matter to me.

(Don't let him see that I told you this, but his writing is terrible because most of our articles are outsourced to sweat-shops in India. This is the first time he had to write something.)

Poll Shows No One Likes Westboro Baptist Church

A continuing poll by the Rockettopia High School Polling Club is suggesting that no one likes the Westboro Baptist Church. The Westboro Baptist Church, which stages extreamely homophobic protests at the funerals of dead soldiers, has been called "The most reviled group in America." by me, just now. The RHSPC set out to find out how many Americans agree with the church's views. The question was, "What is your opinion of the Westboro Baptist Church?", and the answer choices were "I don't know what that is.", "I'm a fan", "I dislike gays but think they're very offensive.", "I have no opinion.", "I dislike them.", "I hate them.", "I really hate them.", and "If hell exists, it has a special place for people like that.". After early issues, the RHSPC found it necessary to add a new response, "None of those options, not even the last one, can express my loathing for those scum.". In a poll of RHSers, the RHSPC found that most had heard of the Westboro Baptist Church, and in that group, opinions ranged from "I hate them." to the last one. Not a single student was found to like the Church.

To continue the search for a Westboro Baptist Church fan, the RHSBC scaled up their polls of students and still found no one who supported the Church. They expanded the poll to Rockettopia townsfolk and still found no one. Even after every human being in Rockettopia had been polled, not a single person had chosen "I'm a fan." or "I have no opinion.". With assistance from major journalistic organizations, the poll was expanded to the entire country, and when no supporters of the Church were found in all of America, the world. At the time of this writing, over five billion people have been polled, and not a single one has supported the Westboro Baptist Church. Mullah Muhammed Omar, leader of the Taliban, picked "Dislike gays but they're offensive." When asked about his choice, Omar commented, "The Taliban shoots teenage girls in the head, but those Westboro Baptist Church people, they're a little extreme for us."
Pollsters are currently attempting to contact isolated tribes in the Amazon Rainforest to get their opinion. Another group is using radio waves to try to find out what any observing aliens think. At this point, the RHSPC has concluded that, in all likelihood, not a single human being supports the Westboro Baptist Church.

Goats Outraged Over Mountain Dew Commercial

After Pepsico released a commercial for Mountain Dew in which a goat is seen against a lineup of black men accused of assaulting an elderly white woman, the internet exploded into outrage, prompting Pepsico to withdraw the commercial and apologize, as it very well should. However, one group is not satisfied with Pepsico's response: Goats. Nibbles, the head of the NAAGP (National Association for the Advancement of Goat Peoples) was outraged that Pepsico thought it acceptable to portray goats as criminals, tweeting "Bleat maaa mehhhh baaa bleat bleeeaaat." Translated by the mysterious mountain man known as the 'Goat Whisperer', the tweet reads, "We here at the NAAGP are very dissappointed in Pepsico! Shame on you!" Pepsico responded that they had intended no offense to goats through the ad. Nonetheless, Nibbles demanded a boycott of Mountain Dew before leaving to rush to her afternoon milking.

Watch the commercial here.

Poll Finds 50% of Rockettopia High School Teachers Cannot Tell the Difference between Twitter and Angry Birds

        The entire student body was horrified today when a new poll showed that among Rockettopia High School teachers, nearly half believed that Twitter and Angry Birds were the same thing. "I always just thought it was 'Angry Twitter-Birds' that all the kids were playing in the hallway. But now they say that Twitter is a 'Social Network'? Those kids and their gosh-darn gadgets!" commented one teacher, whose name we are politely not revealing. For those of you who live in caves without wifi, Twitter is a social networking website that limits posts to 140 characters, while Angry Birds is a front for Al-Qaeda.   Some students have been attempting to help the teachers understand the difference by writing essays in 140 characters and throwing bird-shaped objects through windows. Still, the problem persists.

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Speaking of Twitter, we here at News from Rockettopia now have a Twitter account! As you probably noticed because it's on every page! Now be a dear and press that 'Follow' button.

Movie Director Severely Wounded after Turkey Attack

          In a terrible attack yesterday, popular movie director Colin Trevorrow was hospitalized with serious injuries following a deadly turkey attack. According to reports released by Trevorrow's agent, the director of Safety Not Guaranteed showed that this was certainly true in his case when six large male turkeys somehow entered his hotel and confronted him in the kitchen. Despite the director's attempts to hide behind counters and cooking implements, he was eventually found by the birds, which then attacked him seemingly with the goal of ending his promising career. Fortunately, a hotel staff member found Trevorrow under attack and called 911, then proceded to heroically beat the birds back with a broom, probably saving the director's life. EMTs quickly rushed Trevorrow to the hospital, where he is in critical condition but expected to survive. 

          Some have blamed the tragic attack on the Rockettopia High School Paleontology Club. A controversy has been brewing over the last week after Trevorrow, who has been picked to direct Jurassic Park IV, explicitly tweeted that his dinosaurs will have "No Feathers". This has sparked outrage among everyone who knows anything about dinosaurs, the most prominent local group being the RHS Paleontology Club. According to some suspicions, the Paleontology Club released the turkeys into Trevorrow's hotel in the hopes of injuring him or at least changing his mind. To counter these accusations, the Paleontology Club released the following statement: "We here at the RHSPC are saddened about the tragic attack on Colin Trevorrow, who we greatly admire. We are thankful that the animals attacking him lacked claws, talons, and massive teeth evolved for ripping through flesh. If this was not the case, the director might not be here today. We are sure he will never think a turkey looks silly again."

          The club has also been encouraging people to tweet Trevorrow (@colintrevorrow) about the feathers issue with the hashtag #YesFeathers. WE CAN DO IT!!!

Earth Day Issue: Earth Complains about Week-late Birthday Parties, Green Team Hosts Cleanup, and SSE Hosts Coal-burning Protest

The planet Earth herself spoke out today to complain about the distressing number of Earth Day events sceduled a week after the actual celebration. "It's kinda annoying", the planet told reporters. "I just want to yell 'It was last week idiots!'" Earth has not spoken on the issue since.

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The Rockettopia Cleanup Committee has a massive cleanup planned for this weekend, a week after earth day (*sigh*). The RHS Green Team, which is helping at the event, hopes to see a lot of RHS students at the event. "We hope we can make a dent in this town's significant litter problem. We have a problem in this town with plastic bags, other bags, plastic cups, tin cans, plastic bottles, rusted car parts, rusted cars, and a stranded World War II-era battleship. Not sure how that got there." When we asked the president why RHS students should attend the cleanup, she replied that there would be food, but refused to give details. A team member who wished to remain anonymous told News from Rockettopia that the contents of the snacks had been kept confidential in fear of a stampede of volunteers. "We're hoping for a few dozen people, and a few hundred would be wonderful. But if we told everyone about the refreshments, we might be dealing with crowds of a hundred thousand and above." The team had apparently decided to keep the information classified after a computer model showed that volunteers might come from as far away as Montana, and the combined weight of all the humans might cause Rockettopia to sink into the ground. Still, the team says, all volunteers are welcome. [For more information, see INS Note.]

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Not everyone likes Earth Day. For example, the RHS Supply Side Economics club plans to hold a Coal-burning protest to raise awareness about how environmental regulations hurt billionaires. "We're very worried that when the government tries to stop companies from, say, turning a river into a lifeless sludge flow, the government is hurting one of the most vulnerable groups in the country: Multi-billion-dollar corporations and their billionaire owners.", the president of the SSE club told us when we reached him on his private yacht. "If pointless regulations on the amount of carcinogens a coal plant releases into the air are kept in place, CEOs may have to lay off some workers to preserve their million-dollar bonuses. That would be a true tragedy, and that's why we're staging a coal-burning rally to protest this horrible attempt to preserve what's left of life on earth." As a final note, the president of the SSE club denied rumors that he practices kissing on a poster of Ayn Rand in his room. We here at News from Rockettopia could find no evidence of such rumors. In preparation for the coal-burning rally, hospitals in the Rockettopia area are prepping their internal burn wards for a flood of patients.

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INS (In All Seriousness) Note: For those of you who live in...you know where, the actual cleanup is at 500 Dedham Avenue, Saturday April 27th, from 8:00 AM to ~11:00AM. Everyone is welcome, and you should come no matter how long you stay. I will actually be there, if that helps. Note: Deflate head.

Solidarity

We here at News from Rockettopia would like to offer our prayers and our deepest sympathies to those effected by the Boston Bombing. We have decided not to take the 'Onion Route' today. Maybe later, but probably not.