Just To Be Clear

Just to be clear, News from Rockettopia has moved! It is now at www.rockettopia.com.

Lawsuit-Embroiled Weird Shoe Company Defends Itself; "Our Shoes Protect Against STDs"

After settling a lawsuit claiming that they lied about the health benefits of their shoes, Barefoot Shoe manufacturer Vibram struck back at critics by claiming that their shoes protect against sexually transmitted diseases. Vibram had marketed its strange individual-toed shoes by claiming that the shoes

(1) Strengthen muscles in the feet and lower legs
(2) Improve range of motion in the ankles, feet, and toes
(3) Stimulate neural function important to balance and agility
(4) Eliminate heel lift to align the spine and improve posture
(5) Allow the foot and body to move naturally

But in 2012 Valerie Bezdek sued on a charge of false advertizing, pointing out that Vibram had, to quote Bezdek, "Pulled their 'science' out of their ass." After checking with their science department, discovering that it consisted of five dusty mannequins in lab coats, and then checking with their marketing department, Vibram decided to settle with Bezdek and pay 3.75 million dollars to people who have bought their shoes. Wait, what? 3.75 million? Oh. Total. Each person who purchased a pair of FiveFinger and can provide proof-of-purchase shoes will be eligable for a refund of approximately 50$. Vibram will not, however, compensate buyers for the emotional trauma of being mocked by the friends they had remorselessly preached the benefits of FiveFinger to. The judge who ruled in the case is, however, 'leaving open' the option of forcing Vibram to compensate the people who had to listen.
Today, Vibram defended itself from accusation of lying to their customers by responding that although their shoes did not, in fact, promote any kind of foot, leg, or muscle health, the shoes were incredibly effective at protecting against Sexually Transmitted Diseases. "Unlike our previous assertions, which we now regret and never would have made if we had thought someone would check them, science does show that FiveFinger shoes protect against sexually transmitted diseases more effectively than almost any other product on the market." The spokesman then cited a study conducted by Rockettopia University earlier this year that found, in a sample of nearly a million individuals, no instances of contraction of and kind of STDs by people who often wore FiveFinger shoes. The study concluded by stating that, "[T]he data speaks for itself. FiveFinger shoes are incredibly effective at preventing the transmission of Venerial Diseases including but not limited to Gonorrhea, syphilis, and Herpes. The effect of FiveFinger on reducing STD rates equals only that of total sexual abstenance... Oh. I get it now. Maybe I should get rid of these." (Behe 31)

Sources:
http://www.runnersworld.com/general-interest/vibram-agrees-to-settle-class-action-lawsuit
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/10/_n_5302213.html
http://www.gpo.gov/fdsys/pkg/USCOURTS-mad-1_12-cv-10513/pdf/USCOURTS-mad-1_12-cv-10513-0.pdf

Further reading:

Donetsk, Ukraine Observes Passover By Re-Enacting Antisemitism

The embattled city of Donetsk, Ukraine celebrated the Jewish holiday of Passover this week with the ancient tradition of antisemitism. Someone, it's currently unclear who, posted notices around the city telling Donetski Jews,

All citizens of Jewish nationality over the age of 16 who live on the territory of the sovereign Donetsk Republic must before May 3, 2014, appear before the Donetsk Republic commissar for nationality affairs in Room 514 of the government’s offices. The cost of registration is 50 US dollars.

That this event coincides with Passover may not be a coincidence. Passover celebrates the legendary escape of the Jewish people from Egypt, which, if historical, is the oldest case of antisemitism. Jews celebrate passover by gathering with family, praying, and eating Matzah, a kind of bread-cracker hybrid which ancient antisemite tradition claims is made from the blood of christian boys. However, many moderate antisemites today believe that such stories are not factually correct, but merely serve to remind believers that Jews must be feared and hated. Given the long history of Judiasm, antisemitism and Passover, it only makes sense that antisemites would celebrate Passover with the persecution of the Jews.
The tradition of antisemitism seen here has a rich cultural history. Archaeologists have found evidence of antisemitism dating back to hundreds of years before the birth of Christ, and it has been continuously practiced to some extent ever since. Antisemitism can range from the banning of synagogues to clothing restrictions to restrictions on residence to outright massacres, and in extreme cases systematic murder. Some critics have condemned antisemitism for being " is prejudice, hatred of, or discrimination against Jews for reasons connected to their Jewish religion or heritage" (Source: Wikipedia), but others respond that antisemitism is a rich and diverse culture that should not be painted with one brush.
One such person is Artem Oleksiy, an official of the self-declared Donetsk Republic. "We have a long tradition of antisemitism.", he told News from Rockettopia. "This new requirement that Jews register with the government is simply an expression of our rich cultural heritage. We are proud to be bigots." When asked if the Jew Registration Drive would lead to the establishment of ghettos, voting restrictions, and laws about Jewish-owned businesses, Oleksiy dismissed such claims nonchalantly. "Absurd. Those plans are not to be released to the public for three months yet."
As a practicing Jew, I hope that the two traditions of Judaism and the irrational hatred of Jews can coexist peacefully in Donetsk.

Sources:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/worldviews/wp/2014/04/17/what-we-know-about-the-grotesque-leaflet-handed-out-to-jews-in-donetsk/

AGSA Should Not Have Kept Quiet About Day of Silence

The student body awoke last Friday to discover that it was the national Day of Silence. The Day of Silence, which is organized locally by the AGSA (All Genders and Sexualities Alliance), is a day on which participants keep silent to protest the social pressures that make GLBTQ teens stay silent about who they are. Unfortunately, this year the AGSA did not talk to the school beforehand about the day of silence. So when Friday 4/11 arrived, the student body was caught off-guard. Many would-be participants were forced to speak because they had not been able to fill out the paperwork in time. To be absolutely clear, yes, I am saying that at Rockettopia High School, one must fill out paperwork days in advance just to be allowed to shut up.
Although supporter badges were avalable at the doors, and many students wore them, many have spoken out encouraging the AGSA to talk to the student body about the Day of Silence next year.

Ryan Proposes New Budget; Likely More Campaign Tool Than Legislation

House Budget Committee Chairman Paul Ryan today announced that he would be attempting to propose an updated version of his trademark budget proposal this Wednesday. Ryan's budget will cut taxes radically for the rich, increase defense spending, cut medicaid, and, of course, repeal the Affordable Care Act, better known as Obamacare. The budget proposal is strange in that it has no chance of passing the Democrat-controlled Senate, and that Ryan-Murray budget, which Chairman Ryan drafted with senator Patty Murray last year, makes a budget proposal this year unnecessary. More likely, Ryan's new budget is a campaigning tool that the GOP will use to rally their voter base in preparation for the midterm elections this November.

Source: NPR

RHS Addiction Task Force Going After 2048

The Rockettopia High School administration announced today that they would be forming a task force to go after the highly addictive game 2048. Since it was published less than a month ago, 2048 has achieved a large following among everyone on the internet. The decision to go after 2048 came after a new study by the RHS Studying-Things Club found that 'playing 2048' is now the number one use of school computers, beating out the previous front-runners, 'watching porn' and 'using them as bongs'. "This logic-skill-building game 2048 has been wasting vital time that students could be using to do something productive like write an essay over-analyzing The Bean Trees.", the Principal told News from Rockettopia. "It must be stopped."
We here at News from Rockettopia are glad to see the administration switching its focus from marijuana to something actually addictive. Now, must... play... 2048. I'm sure I can spare just one more night's sleep!

School Musical Message: Repression is For Your Own Good

The Rockettopia High School production of Urinetown last weekend was stunningly successful. The performance was carried by amazing actors, skilled set design, a hardworking crew, and the overarching message that repression is for your own good.
For those not familiar with the musical, Urinetown is the story of a town in which all toilets are controlled by the Urine Good Company (UGC) and charge admission fees. Those who cannot pay the fees are executed. Eventually, a popular revolt deposes the dictatorial leaders of the UGC and make toilets free. And then they all die when the water runs out. Because what were they supposed to do, build outhouses or composting toilets or something?
 The underlying theme that the musical is intended to convey, according to the director, is that "However bad the authority's treatment of you may seem, however arbitrary and oppressive their rules, they're looking out for your own good and you should just go along with it." The obvious application of this message in everyday life is in marijuana. "We crack down on anyone who we catch with marijuana," the RHS principal told News from Rockettopia, "and we don't give a good reason why except that it's for some reason illegal and you should just do what we tell you. Our production of Urinetown was intended to drive home the message that these kinds of rules are for your own good, that you can't be expected to understand what they're for, that it's right to deal harshly with those who disobey or question, and that if you don't do as we say, bad things will happen."

RHSN Screws Up School Musical Information, Still Better than CNN

Despite the many screw-ups in the Rockettopia High School News coverage of the school musical, their coverage is still better than most of CNN, according to the Media Analysis Agency. The report, which was delivered today and represented a change from 'boring and stupid' to 'boring, stupid, and inaccurate', began with footage of chairs in what was may have been the wrong auditorium and and peaked when the voice-over claimed that the performance was by the charity group Students Acting to Make a Difference. While SAMD is a great charity, it is not in fact interchangeable with Rockettopia High School, as the narrator of that segment will probably learn a few minutes before he is fired.
Although the coverage was terrible, it was still better than CNN, said the MAA. RHSN, after all, has never sent two reporters to talk to each other from the same parking lot, which really happened I'm serious.
When the musical, Urinetown, is performed this weekend at the Neumann School Auditorium, we will cover it here at News from Rockettopia, but everyone should still go see what we assume, admittedly based on no evidence, will be an amazing production.

Twitter Pre-emptively Complaining About Oscar Picks

Despite the fact that, as of this writing, the Oscars that people actually care about such as Best Picture, Best Animated Picture, Best Actor, and Best Actress have not yet been awarded, people on twitter are already whining about the choices. One tweeter¹, who wisely hides behind the handle "@JUK12345", tweeted "@MPAA tots picked teh rong pic 4 best movee! #oscars #wrong". Another literate and urbane user, whose handle we cannot print in a civilized publication such as this one, wrote "[expletive] #oscars [expletive] [expletive] leonardo dicaprio [expletive]."
One can only imagine how much people will yowl once they actually learn who won.

1. Yes, I did in fact just Google "twitter user pronoun", and, finding nothing, make up my own. So sue me.

Mysterious Posters Confound School Officials

School authorities are scratching their heads after mysterious posters appeared around Rockettopia High School this Monday. The posters, which appear to satirize school-authorized anti-marijuana posters, feature a cynical image, a masterfully faked approval stamp, and a link to a certain blog that some of our readers may have heard of. We at News from Rockettopia want to make it clear that we have no idea where these disruptive and subversive posters originated, and in no way had this article already written before the posters appeared. We hope that the pranksters behind this are brought to justice soon, but they would seem to be far to intelligent and devious to be caught.
Below is an image of the poster that is without question a photograph:

BREAKING: Snow Predicted to End by 2017

(2/13/2014) The National Weather Service just announced today that they predict the current blizzard to end by the year 2017. Snow will likely begin to taper off sometime in late 2015, but heavy snowfall may continue in bursts until mid 2016. By 2017, the NWS guarantees that schools will be able to re-open. The head of the national weather service released a statement from his car, where he is currently trapped, saying, "The delay of all activities for three years due to snow is certainly unfortunate and inconvenient, but on the other hand, we don't have to deal with 2016 election campaigns, so it's a mixed blessing.

School Staff Somehow Manages To Screw Up Propaganda Posters

The Rockettopia High School administration continued to demonstrate its ability to bungle even the most basic tasks earlier this week when it was discovered that they had somehow managed to screw up a simple 'Say-No-To-Drugs' poster. The poster, which attempted to inform students that eight out of ten students don't smoke pot, would have been simply ignored by everyone if it hadn't contained the cryptic message "Fun Fact: The Hawaiian alphabet has twelve letters!". The message appeared in tiny letters, and was so strange and out-of-place that the only people who would be interested were those already high, which may have been the point.
But, as it was discovered this week, the crimes of the administration go beyond attempting to stop students from smoking pot: The Hawaiian alphabet actually has eighteen letters and eleven diphthongs, whatever the hell those are.
I will pause here while those of you who are stoned muse about the word 'diphthong' for five minutes.
...
It's not quite clear how the RHS poster-makers screwed this one up; a simple Google search of 'Hawaiian alphabet' quickly redirects one to this Wikipedia page, which explains the proper number of letters and diphthongs...
Do we have to do this again?
Fine...
...
in the Hawaiian alphabet. Whatever the cause, we here at News from Rockettopia demand that this error be corrected at once! We want our administration's propaganda to contain no irrelevant lies. Only relevant ones.

New Kickstarter Raising Money for Hit Job on Geico Marketers

The New York Times reported today that a new Kickstarter project that claims to be raising money "To hire an assassin or assassins to kill the entire Geico marketing company." The Kickstarter is capitalizing on anger over Geico's new talking painting commercials, which are, according to #TehAnnoyingThingsResearchInstitute, one of the most annoying things ever created by mankind. Over half of the five million dollar goal has been raised via Kickstarter in the two days since the project began. Prominent donors include Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Mitt Romney, Carlos Slim, Tom Hanks, Kim Kardashian, and literally every person who has ever seen the ads.

Earlier today, Kickstarter released an official statement on the ads. "Our website is intended to raise money for startups, not non-profits, and in addition we oppose mass murder as a company policy." They went on to say, "However, we took a look at those Geico ads, and on second thought, we're not going to interfere just this once. Now excuse me, I need to go donate more money to those freedom fighters."

Facebook Continues Campaign to Become Abandoned and Obsolete

The Social Media giant Facebook today warned announced that this Thursday would see an escalation of its running campaign to slip into obsolescence. The campaign, code-named "Operation MySpace", began with the introduction of "Sponsored Stories" in 2011 and has escalated continuously ever since. When News from Rockettopia asked an employee, who declined to be named, about the campaign, she told us: "I was involved in Operation MySpace from the beginning. We thought that 'Sponsored Stories', you know, making unsuspecting customers into spokespeople for 55-gallon barrels of lube, would do the trick, but they just kept coming!" A weapon of mass frustration was launched later that year with the timeline bug feature, which persists to this day despite calls by everyone, ever to remove it. Facebook continued the campaign into 2012 with the introduction of mobile ads to clog up smartphone screens and hopefully drive customers away to Twitter, Tumblr, or Pintrest. And all this time, Facebook made it very clear that they would sell any personal information on a user to any client with the money.
"Quite frankly, I'm surprised that there's anyone still on Facebook at this point,", our informant told us. "I would think that at this point they'd be desperate enough to go to Google+ if need be, but we seem to have underestimated the power of brand loyalty. But we haven't given up yet."
Facebook hopes that their new autoplaying video ads in users' newsfeeds and the taunting launch of the dislike button only for private messages will manage to disgust their customer base enough to end Facebook's run as a top Social Networking site. Our contact, however, is skeptical. "If we haven't managed to drive away every man, woman, and child on Earth by now, there's no hope. We'll try, but nothing could possibly break Facebook except turning off every server in the world. That or an influx of parents."

ADDITIONAL READING!!!
http://www.theverge.com/2013/12/17/5219216/facebook-dislike-button-messenger-sticker
http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-12-17/facebook-to-start-showing-video-ads-this-week-journal-reports.html
http://www.ebizmba.com/articles/social-networking-websites
http://finance.yahoo.com/news/facebook-to-start-selling-video-ads-153126093.html
http://nbergus.com/2012/02/how-i-became-amazons-pitchman-for-a-55-gallon-drum-of-personal-lubricant-on-facebook/
http://blog.hubspot.com/marketing/history-facebook-adtips-slideshare

Study Shows 2013 Not Over Yet

A new study released yesterday has demonstrated conclusively that the year 2013 is not yet over. The study, which has shown that there may be as many as sixteen days left in 2013 as of today, has caused panic among major news organizations which, under the impression that 2013 had ended last week, had released their various stats, lists, and 'Top 10's of 2013. As the author of the study said, "Although many people seem to be under the impression that 2013 is over, our findings show that this is not the case. So there's still time for a few memorable events. President Obama could go on a public bath salts binge! North Korea could invade South Korea! Justin Bieber could do something! Congress could pass more than the most basic legislation! Well, not that last one. But you see my point; it turns out that everyone has really jumped the gun here. 2013 is not over yet."
CNN responded to the findings by declaring the study fourth in the 'Top 10 Crazy Studies of 2013'.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is Not A Real Person, says study.

A study released today by the Journal of Things That Don't Happen In Real Life concluded that the embattled, crack-smoking mayor of Toronto does not exist. The study found that Ford's saga is so absurd that it doesn't merely push believability, it breaks right through the barrier of belief to the beautiful paradise of conspiracy. Ford simply can't be real, the study says, because people that absurd simply don't actually exist. How absurd is Rob Ford? Here's a quick refresher, helpfully provided by Jon Stewart:

Rob Ford
More Rob Ford
This man is f**king unbelievable.
Oh my god.
I can't wait to see what happens next!

Are you really still reading this? Haven't you passed out from laughing yet?

Since Ford has now admitted to smoking crack during a drunken stupor and is suspected of seeing a prostitute, snorting crack, driving while drunk, sexually harassing staffers, [I can't even think what to say here] etc. However, according to the Stupid People Research Center, stratigically located in Miami, Florida, Rob Ford does not actually exist. The leader of the study, Andrew Marinelli, wrote that "We here at the Stupid People Research Center have spent years studying amazing people such as Anthony Wiener, Herman Cain, Charlie Sheen, Donald Trump, and others. We have used this data to develop the Dumbass Scale to measure stupidity. The scale ranges from 0 to 100, and includes all conceivable levels of stupid. Toronto mayor Rob Ford scores 351 on the scale. Therefore, we have concluded that Ford and his actions are entirely fictitious."

Marinelli spends most of the paper describing the calculations involved in the Dumbass Scale and the thorough math that led the team to their conclusion. He does, however, take a few sentences at the end of the article to make some guesses about how Rob Ford came to not-exist. According to Marinelli, "Since we have virtually no data on the subject, we can only speculate on the identity of the person or organization that invented Rob Ford. It's possible that the Obama Administration invented Ford to distract people from the healthcare screwup. However, we think it's more likely that he was created by the Canadian government to make sure no one, anywhere, ever calls Canada boring again."

When interviewed later, Marinelli was asked why, if Rob Ford was ficticious, he had a record of public appearances, a birth certificate, and election wins. Marinelli responded, simply, "Math doesn't lie."

---

INS Note: Okay, this story was totally just an excuse to talk about Rob Ford. Will you forgive us?

BOSTON RED SOX WIN WORLD SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
GO SOX! GO SOX! GO SOX! GO SOX! GO SOX!!!!!

Ahem.
Sorry.

Fans across Massachusetts, the state we will pretend everyone did suddenly not realize I live in, were ecstatic last night after the Boston Red Sox WON THE WORLD SERIES AT HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 96 YEARS!!!!!!!! GO SOX!!!!!

Again, Sorry. We have to maintain GO SOX! patriotic spirit here at News from Rockettopia.

Bostonians celebrated the Sox's victory, which shone especially when contrasted with the dismal season the team experienced last year, by getting drunk and yelling. This is known colloquially in Boston as a 'Wednesday'. When interviewed, fans responded ecstatically to the win, and many saw it as a sign of Massachusetts' recovery after the twin tragedies of the Boston Marathon Bombing of last April and Mitt Romney.

Wait for it...

GO SOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sexy Halloween Costumes

This Halloween has seen a continuation in the growing trend of sexy Halloween costumes. These costumes, which are exactly what they sound like, are...
raise the question...
show...
make one think...
interact with Rockettopia in some way...
Dammit! How can I make fun of this!? This is so stupid!!! The world has already made this dumb trend so extreme that it's a parody of itself. Normally, I'd take something stupid like 'Sexy Pizza' and 'Sexy Walter White' and 'Sexy Bacon' and 'Sexy NSA Agent' and make up things like 'Sexy Leatherface' and 'Sexy Mental Patient' and 'Anna Rexia' and 'Sexy Osama bin Laden', but ALL THOSE ARE REAL!! I didn't HAVE to make them up! How am I supposed to make something up to top that kind of offensive absurdity!! Sexy Barack Obama? Nah, that would be trying too hard. Really, once there's Sexy bin Laden, it's physically impossible to fall any further.
Please don't take that as a challenge. Please.

In all Seriousness Notes:
1. If a costume has the modifier 'Sexy' in it, it's probably something that should not be sexy.
2. Please don't wear any of these costumes.

If you want to be mentally traumatized, here are the referenced costumes.
If you want to be even more traumatized, here are some things that don't exist. This year, at least.

RHS Religious Club Holds Pre-Halloween Seminar on Demonic Possession

In preparation for Halloween, the Rockettopia High School religious club will be holding a seminar on Demonic Possession in the auditorium after school this coming Monday. The speakers, who include professional public lunatic Pat Robertson, professional politician and bigot Rick Santorum, rocker and gun-toting racist wacko Ted Nugent, and the principal, will cover topics such as how to spot demonic possession, how to deal with demonic possession in others, and how to avoid being possessed yourself. All of these are standard demonic possession topics.

However, this seminar will also cover a topic specific to Rockettopia: How to tell the difference between Demonic Possession and drugs. the topic will be covered in depth in a two-hour joint lecture by the Reverend Terry Jones and a local teenager known as Cool Jim, who will discuss the similarities and differences between Demonic Possession and common drugs like LSD and Meth. Although anyone who has everyday encounters with drug users (Read: Everyone) is strongly encouraged to attend, the website for the seminar has put out a few simple tips:

If the person is talking about demons, Satan or the devil, you should at least look closely for other signs of Demonic Possession.

If the person attempts to conceal their symptoms, it's a strong sign of demonic possession.

A change in eye color is a sure sign of demonic possession.

Remember: If a person turns out to be just on drugs, do the polite thing and pretend not to notice.

The RHS Wicca Club will be holding its own seminar at the same date and time to discuss similar issues. Their seminar, which will be held in the local cemetery, will discuss the positive impacts of demonic possession and debunk some major urban legands about the 'dangers' of the condition.

Congress Now Wishing it was as Popular as Iran

In a series of new interviews with anonymous congresspeople, ABC News found that, as of Saturday, a majority of Congress wishes it was as popular as Iran. As the government shutdown crisis continues and the Debt Ceiling looms, Congress' popularity among Americans has slipped to 5%, less popular than hemorrhoids and toenail fungus. At the same time, Iran has shown a marked spike in popularity as it's new president Hassan Rouhani has shown himself to be less threaten-people-with-nukes-especially-Israel-y than his predecessor. As Iran has admitted UN inspectors to confirm that its nuclear is purely for peaceful purposes.
Likely due to a combination of these factors, Congress' approval rating is now far below that of Iran, which recently got a fifteen percent global approval rating, which in Congress is known as a "High point". So it's not surprising that John Boehner is growing a beard and many Congresspeople wish they could have Iran's public approval.
However, despite Congress' best efforts, their popularity seems to just keep plummeting. Another poll has shown that the phrase "It's scary that these wackos have nuclear weapons." is applied more to Congress than to Iran and North Korea combined, and a significant number of Americans are considering moving to a place like Russia, where the one guy makes all the terrible decisions without having to argue with anyone.