Saturday, March 22, 2014

RHS Addiction Task Force Going After 2048

The Rockettopia High School administration announced today that they would be forming a task force to go after the highly addictive game 2048. Since it was published less than a month ago, 2048 has achieved a large following among everyone on the internet. The decision to go after 2048 came after a new study by the RHS Studying-Things Club found that 'playing 2048' is now the number one use of school computers, beating out the previous front-runners, 'watching porn' and 'using them as bongs'. "This logic-skill-building game 2048 has been wasting vital time that students could be using to do something productive like write an essay over-analyzing The Bean Trees.", the Principal told News from Rockettopia. "It must be stopped."
We here at News from Rockettopia are glad to see the administration switching its focus from marijuana to something actually addictive. Now, must... play... 2048. I'm sure I can spare just one more night's sleep!

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

School Musical Message: Repression is For Your Own Good

The Rockettopia High School production of Urinetown last weekend was stunningly successful. The performance was carried by amazing actors, skilled set design, a hardworking crew, and the overarching message that repression is for your own good.
For those not familiar with the musical, Urinetown is the story of a town in which all toilets are controlled by the Urine Good Company (UGC) and charge admission fees. Those who cannot pay the fees are executed. Eventually, a popular revolt deposes the dictatorial leaders of the UGC and make toilets free. And then they all die when the water runs out. Because what were they supposed to do, build outhouses or composting toilets or something?
 The underlying theme that the musical is intended to convey, according to the director, is that "However bad the authority's treatment of you may seem, however arbitrary and oppressive their rules, they're looking out for your own good and you should just go along with it." The obvious application of this message in everyday life is in marijuana. "We crack down on anyone who we catch with marijuana," the RHS principal told News from Rockettopia, "and we don't give a good reason why except that it's for some reason illegal and you should just do what we tell you. Our production of Urinetown was intended to drive home the message that these kinds of rules are for your own good, that you can't be expected to understand what they're for, that it's right to deal harshly with those who disobey or question, and that if you don't do as we say, bad things will happen."

Thursday, March 6, 2014

RHSN Screws Up School Musical Information, Still Better than CNN

Despite the many screw-ups in the Rockettopia High School News coverage of the school musical, their coverage is still better than most of CNN, according to the Media Analysis Agency. The report, which was delivered today and represented a change from 'boring and stupid' to 'boring, stupid, and inaccurate', began with footage of chairs in what was may have been the wrong auditorium and and peaked when the voice-over claimed that the performance was by the charity group Students Acting to Make a Difference. While SAMD is a great charity, it is not in fact interchangeable with Rockettopia High School, as the narrator of that segment will probably learn a few minutes before he is fired.
Although the coverage was terrible, it was still better than CNN, said the MAA. RHSN, after all, has never sent two reporters to talk to each other from the same parking lot, which really happened I'm serious.
When the musical, Urinetown, is performed this weekend at the Neumann School Auditorium, we will cover it here at News from Rockettopia, but everyone should still go see what we assume, admittedly based on no evidence, will be an amazing production.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

Twitter Pre-emptively Complaining About Oscar Picks

Despite the fact that, as of this writing, the Oscars that people actually care about such as Best Picture, Best Animated Picture, Best Actor, and Best Actress have not yet been awarded, people on twitter are already whining about the choices. One tweeter1, who wisely hides behind the handle "@JUK12345", tweeted "@MPAA tots picked teh rong pic 4 best movee! #oscars #wrong". Another literate and urbane user, whose handle we cannot print in a civilized publication such as this one, wrote "[expletive] #oscars [expletive] [expletive] leonardo dicaprio [expletive]."
One can only imagine how much people will yowl once they actually learn who won.

1. Yes, I did in fact just Google "twitter user pronoun", and, finding nothing, make up my own. So sue me.