Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Ambassador Lands on Pitcairn Islands

Crowds cheered in the streets of Rockettopia when news arrived that an airplane had observed the new American ambassador to the Pitcairn Islands had successfully paradropped into his destination. Unfortunately, the details of the ambassador's first encounter with the Pitcairn Islanders has not arrived yet, as the only way to communicate with Pitcairn is through carrier albatross. Although the islands did have a few telephones and an internet connection, most of these were traded to Tahiti and the rest were stolen. There is no cell phone reception on Pitcairn, as anyone on the island can be reached by shouting.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Performance of Inherit The Wind Interrupted by Ape Offended By The Idea That They Are Descended From Creationists

Surprising everyone last night, the Rockettopia Middle School performance of Inherit the Wind was picketed by Chimpanzees who were apparently offended by the show's implication that they were descended from Creationists. Inherit the Wind, which is based on the famous 1925 Scopes Monkey Trial and endorses the Theory of Evolution. Although some people had foreseen a Creationist protest at the play, no one foresaw the crowd of enraged apes who showed up to demonstrate their outrage at the offensive ideas embodied in the play. As one protestor told News from Rockettopia directly before throwing his feces at us, "Ook Aak Ogga [Shriek] [Shriek] [Bam] [Bam]!" Our resident primatologist explained that the apes were upset at the play's insistence that they were descended from a creature as tribal, violent, and blatenly irrational as the creationist. Although she tried to explain that evolution merely stated that apes share a common ancestor with creationist, the apes were not mollified and proceed to cover her with feces.
Although most were surprised that apes rather than creationists showed up in protest, one member of the stage crew said that he wasn't too shaken. "When you think about it, the difference between shit-throwing apes and creationists is pretty minimal. I mean, one is a irrational, unthinking, hairy, violent primate with a limited grasp of language, and the other has the scientific name Pan troglodytes.

The enraged primates.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Poll Shows That Among RHS Students, 0% Care About Student Government

A new poll published by the Rockettopia High School Polling Club Thursday concluded that Rockettopia High School students don't care about their Student Government. Among students polled who were not running for office, 100% 'Strongly Agreed' with the statement "There's no difference in what the different candidates will do if elected.". 83% 'Strongly Agreed' with the statement "A baboon could do it."
In fact, the only people the Polling Club could find who cared at all about the student election were people running in it. Even the friends of the candidates admitted that the election was not relevant to them. "I mean, my friend cares about the election, since he's running," a student who we, to protect his identity, will call X Wakazowkinski told us. "But even though she cares about the election, I can't think of anything she'd do differently then the other candidate."
We here at News from Rockettopia agree completely. Up next: How the federal government might be spying on your phone calls and might be about to cancel school lunches!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

NSA Now Giving Dating Advice

With the news this week that the National Security Agency, or NSA, has all of our personal information and communications in a giant database, the question was raised, "What the f**k are they doing with all that?" The answer: Providing dating advice. In an attempt to improve the public impression of government spying, NSA officials are now encouraged to give dating advice to the people whose emails and phone calls they listen in on, said an anonymous source. "Sometimes when an employee sees someone who's really screwing up their relationship, it can be hard for a government employee not to offer suggestions.", the leaker from his hiding place, supposedly somewhere in Bhutan. "Now they don't have to hold back." Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel did not attempt to deny the NSA's new vocation. "I personally am glad that all these stolen personal records are finally being put to good use.", Hagel said.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Poll Finds that Among People Who Dislike Two Steps from Hell, 0% Have Ever Heard A Two Steps from Hell Song

A recent poll by the Rockettopia High Polling Club showed that although many people disapprove of the band Two Steps from Hell, none of said people have ever heard a 2SFH song. The poll found that although approval ratings for 2SFH were high among youth and declined among older people, without exception the people who did not like 2SFH admitted that they "[had] no idea what a Two Steps from Hell song sounded like".
The results of this poll surprised absolutely no one.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Rockettopian Appointed American Ambassador to Pitcairn Islands

To understand the full scope of this story, one must first understand the strange British terratory officially named "Pitcairn, Henderson, Ducie and Oeno Islands". Although five islands make up the Pitcairn islands, only Pitcairn is inhabited. It is also 3.5km across, smaller than Disney World. The current population estimate is around 48 people. Estimate because the island is virtually inaccessible, with no harbor or airstrip. The only way to get ashore is by longboat. Despite it's tiny population and one internet connection, the Pitcairn islands have their own top-level domain, .pn. The .pn domain became internationally known when the makers of The Hunger Games used it as the top-level domain for the fictional nation of Panem. Lionsgate studios, the producer of The Hunger Games, registered one to two domains for every inhabitant of the Pitcairns.[]

Note: At this point, I have not made anything up

The Pitcairn Islanders are almost all descended from the famous HMS Bounty mutineers and their tahitian companions, who landed on Pitcairn in 1790 and have been there ever since. In 2004, the Pitcairn islands were briefly in the news when six men, including the mayor, were convicted of sexually abusing children. These men represented a third of the adult male population. Despite it's tiny population, the islands have their own national language, Pitkern, which has been described as 'Atlantic Creole' and 'Jar Jar Binksish'. According to Wikipedia, these are some common phrases in Pitcairn:
Pitkern English
Whata way ye? How are you?
About ye gwen? Where are you going?
You gwen whihi up suppa? Are you going to cook supper?
I nor believe. I don't think so.
Ye like-a sum whettles? Would you like some food?
Do' mine. It doesn't matter. I don't mind.
Wa sing yourley doing? What are you doing? What are you up to?
I se gwen ah big shep. I'm going to the ship.
Humuch shep corl ya? How often do ships come here?
Cum yorley sulluns! Come on all you kids!
I se gwen ah nahweh. I'm going swimming.
Lebbe! Leave it alone!
Cooshoo! Good!
Pitcairn is the British territory that assures that the sun still never sets on the British Empire [].

Note: Still haven't made anything up

Since the Pitcairn Islands have only 48 residents and can only be accessed by longboat, many people were surprised when President Obama named notable Rockettopian Dave Westfield (RHS Class of 2002) American ambassador the Pitcairns. Westfield denies rumors that he got the job by calling Obama at 1 A.M. claiming to be a House Republican. Due to the significance of the first ever ambassador to the Pitcairns being from Rockettopia, we have desided to send reporter Sue Silverstien to accompany the Ambassador.
The Ambassador will be leaving for the Pitcairns in two weeks with an entorage of ten people. They will be delivered to the islands via airdrop, and the entire group will increase the population of the islands by 20%.
We here at News from Rockettopia look forward to covering this story.