Thursday, March 28, 2013

Pope Francis Endorsed by Jesus

        Just hours ago, the new Pope Francis received a surprise endorsement from Jesus Christ. From his throne alongside the almighty in heaven, Jesus released a statement, "I am aware that I don't often do this, but I would like to state my approval of Pope Francis. I feel that he is sort of doing holy work." Even critics of the pope were impressed and excited about these words of praise.
           Jesus had not endorsed a pope since the official creation of the office in 366 A.D.
           "Although John Paul II came close, he didn't really cut it in terms of charity.", Jesus also mentioned during his endorsement. Although Jesus did not go beyond broad generalizations in his explanation of why he endorsed Francis, many prominent theologians have offered explanations. Many cardinals have pointed out that Francis has refused to wear the ornimental red shoes of the papacy [Insert 'Wizard of Oz' joke of your choosing here], decided to live in the Vatican guest house instead of the papal suite, used public transportation as a bishop in Argentina, and above all, extreme concern for the welfare of the poor. Non-church officials have speculated that the rumors that as a cardinal, Francis supported gay civil unions behind closed doors in Argentina might have to do with it. Whatever the reason, the church is very excited now.

Monday, March 25, 2013

In Concolatory Match, Knowing Stuff Team is Soundly Defeated by Trained Snails

        After their disastrous defeat yesterday on the public television show "High School Quiz Show", the RHS Knowing Stuff Team was not feeling very good (NOTE: We really, really don't want you to look this up). To make themselves feel better, the team arranged a match against the Ecology Club's trained land snails. However, in a surprise victory, the snails trounced the Knowing Stuff Team by a massive margin of 315-110. The success of the snails has been accredited to their knowledge of important categories such as 'Plants that are Good Snail Food', 'Slime Making 101', 'Snail Anatomy', and 'Animal Mobile Homes'. When asked the snails about their victory, we got this response:

Saturday, March 23, 2013

New Marijuana Dowsing Rod Fails

        Unfortunately, Rockettopia High School's trials of a $900 Marijuana Dowsing Rod failed when instead of pointing to lockers full of Marijuana, the consistently pointed towards skateboarders. As the teacher in charge of supervising the tests said, "The rod completely failed because we would be walking down the hallway, and a skateboarder walks by, and the rod refuses to point away from him. It was absurd.". The most impressive case of this was when the rod successfully located the guy responsible for the locker fire back in January from half way across the school.
        "We did try to use the rod for something useful", the aforementioned teacher commented, "but when we tried strip-searching a skateboarder, it ended badly. Three teachers are still in the hospital suffering from mental trauma. Get well soon!"
        The tests ended on friday, both because the dowsing rod was completely ineffective and because it exploded when brought near a member of the Existential Club.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

MCAS Rescheduled for Next Monday; Hundreds of Students Dissappointed to Find they Played Sick for Nothing

March 19th, 2013

         As a massive snowstorm bore down on our state, the government decided to postpone the MCAS tests. These tests, which have been praised by Satan himself and are also given to detainees at Guantanamo Bay, albeit for different reasons, were canceled due to imminent danger of the entire state being snowed in. However, some unfortunate students apparently did not get the message in time. We know this because thousands of students, almost five percent in Rockettopia, entirely failed to show up today. However, we were able to reach one of them via Facebook chat. For his safety, we concealed his name.

Reporter: Hello *****************. We noticed you weren't at school today.
Student: wtf is it 2 u ?u tnk us the boss of me
Reporter: Can you repeat that?
Student: daf**s the matter with u why u spyin on me u got a problem
Reporter: Can you type so I can understand?
Student: wadaya say
Decryption Expert: "What did you say?"
Reporter: It's not important. The reason we contacted you was because you seem to have skipped school to miss MCAS.
Student: "yep man i did ditch 2day so i wudnt have2 do tha **** mkas. 
Decryption Expert: "Yes, I did ditch school today so I wouldn't have to do the MCAS."
Reporter: Didn't you know there's no MCAS today?
Student: ya ik man im so pissed about that. whyd they have2 move it like that
Decryption Expert: "Yes, I know, I'm very annoyed about that. Why did they have to move it like that?"
Reporter: So you're disappointed that you feigned illness for nothing?
Decryption Expert: so ur mad that u plyd sik and nothing happened
Student: totaly. now if im sik again they wont believe me
Decryption Expert: Yes. Now if I'm sick again they won't believe me.
Reporter: [Off Chat] I don't think I can take much more of this.
Reporter: Thanks for talking to us.
Student: No problemo dude

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Les Miserables Prostitutes "Overdressed" Say RHS Theatergoers

        The Rockettopia High School production of Les Miserables this weekend was a tremendous hit. All three performances were sold out. All the acting was incredible and everyone loved it except the Complaining Club. However, one objection did emerge in many students who attended: the prostitutes were wearing too much.
        I'm not going to go into too much description, but it suffices to say that compared to what's considered acceptable at RHS, the prostitute's garb was somewhere around the level of 'Arab Housewife'. To see more skin showing, all one would have to do is walk into any classroom in RHS.
        The next most common complaint was that the three-hour musical was 'Way too short'.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Poll finds that 60% of RHS Students Believe that "Take Back the Night" club is About Controlling Raccoons

      A poll released earlier today by the Rockettopia Depressing Polling Organization showed that among f students asked the question "What does the 'Take Back the Night Club' do?", 60% gave an answer involving the control of Raccoons, Coyotes, Opossums, and other nocturnal mammals. The other 40% were divided among the beliefs that it was a crazy project to make the sun shine at night, a counter to daylight savings time, and an advocate for less homework. Only five percent got the correct answer.
        The Take Back the Night club is actually about preventing dating violence, conversations about which usually end up at the 'Does that really happen around here?' point. They sometimes do bake sales and other events to raise money and awareness about dating violence. In hindsight, they probably should've seen the branding problem when of most people who came to their events ended up talking about their trash cans being raided.
        We here at News from Rockettopia hope that after this article, the number of calls about wild animals every night to the Take Back the Night hotline will drop below ten. And we also hope that everyone who reads this goes to their events.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

"Art in Bloom" turns bad when Ecology Club Involved

        This year's 'Art in Bloom' flower and art show at the Rockettopia Town Library was a bit under par this year, as it resulted in three severed hands, two missing children, and one guy losing a body part he refuses to talk about.
        The problem began when the Rockettopia Flower Club, which normally arranges the flowers accompanying the art were somehow persuaded to allow the RHS Ecology Club to help. The Ecology club added many exotic plants to the arrangement, but this resulted in some unintended consequences. A library janitor was reported missing.  One display was found shredded by unknown forces, with nothing but a plant display nearby. When the exhibition opened, the reason for the strange events was explained: Some of the ecology club plants were 'overly friendly' 'flesh-eating monsters' carnivorous. The plants included six Venus flytraps, eight pitcher plants*, twenty-three sundews, and one plant that no-one would get close enough to identify.
        Although the Ecology Club had been accused of "feeding toddlers to Venus Flytraps" in connection with the incident, they insist that "The plants are only dangerous if you get within three feet of them, so really, if you get hurt, it's your own fault." Most are not satisfied with this explanation, and the Vegetarian Club has said it plans to get revenge by feeding Venus Flytraps to toddlers.
        The Rockettopia Garden Club insists that coming to view Art in Bloom tomorrow will be 'perfectly safe'.
You know you wouldn't get close either

*By pitcher plant, we do not mean a plant shaped like a water pitcher, we mean a plant that pitches globs of acidic sap at helpless passers-by.