Merry Christmas! Sponsored by We Are Toys

In the spirit of the holidays, News from Rockettopia would like to wish you all a merry Christmas or happy Hanukkah! And if you haven't gotten a gift yet, don't worry, our friends at We Are Toys are offering a special discount on everything! It's the time to save on obscenely extravagant gifts, like a phone so expensive it could feed a starving African nation for a week! You could be saving lives, but that's not important. What's really important is buying the new iThing 4S, because having an old iThing 4 is soooo uncool. But what's really cool is to indulge in ridiculously expensive gifts to help our super-rich get even richer! And don't think of all the starving children who don't even have a loaf of bread for Christmas, because that's such a downer! As Jesus said:

Blessed are you poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. (Luke 6:20)

I mean:

If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me. (Matthew 19:21)

Umm... I mean:

For it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. (Luke 18:25)

Errr...

But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you. You will be repaid at the resurrection of the just." (Luke 14:13-14)

STOP IT!!

Anyway, JUST BUY USELESS $H!T, DAMMIT!

New Religious Clubs introduced to Rockettopia High

Today, the Principal of Rockettopia High School approved the formation of the school's first Religious Clubs. Reporter John Smith talked to the principal.
John: "So why are these clubs allowed?
Principal: "America gaurentees religous freedom for all, so these clubs must be allowed to form. Although they will be using school premises, they will not have access to school funds, and will not give academic credit"
John: "You mean sort of like the Dungeons and Dragons club?"
Princpal: "Yes, exactly like the Dungeons and Dragons club."

Among the new religious clubs, one stands out: the Supply Side Economics Club. The Supply Side Economics club, believes that:
1. There is an invisible hand that guides the free market;
2. If we give rich people money and make them exempt from the laws, the invisible hand will be pleased, and the world will become a better place.
Although these beliefs are thought to be bat%#& insane by most of the school, some have latched onto it, especially the richer students.

The race for the Cornpopper article is over! The Supply Side Economics club has won the space with a very large bid. According to some investigative reporters, the Club was helped by the banking giant Chase. Although the sum of money paid to the Cornpopper for the space was not specified, a cornpopper administrator hinted that it might be more than the annual Gross Domestic Product of Rockettopia. These suspicions were reinforced with the installation of a NASA supercomputer in the Technology Lab, the planned construction of a Particle Accelerator, and the principal's surprise purchase of a luxury yacht.

Principal Returns from South Pacific Captivity Dressed as Hula Dancer, is Mistaken for Popular Girl

Yesterday, the principal returned from his captivity in the South Pacific, having escaped disguised as a hula dancer, and was promptly mistaken for one of the 'Popular' girls. It has been confirmed by the Rockettopia High Newspaper, the Cornpopper, that at least five boys asked the principal out before he made it the hundred feet between the door and his office. A member of the Psychology Club explained: "He was wearing a grass skirt, coconuts on his chest, a headdress, sandals, a ton of makeup, and nothing else. That is a bit more than most of the Popular girls wear, but the heterosexual wing of the football team still found him hot enough to date. Well, it's true that he was sort of sexy in that tiny grass skirt, with those huge hips and tiny, adorable, waist..." The reporter left shortly after. (Later research confirmed that the interviewed Psychology club member was one of the five who asked out the principal.

In the Auction for space in the paper, the Psychology and Ecology clubs are still neck-and-neck, although there have been rumors that the Ecology club will drop it. Competition has been getting fierce, with reports of Ecology Club members feeding Psychology Club members to Venus Flytraps. The Psychology club went one worse and forcibly lectured three ecology club members on Freudian Psychology.

Apology

I apologize for the recent lack of posts, but my life has been tough. I always get depressed in the winter, then the Harpies took my car...

Thanksgiving Concert Sabatoged

The annual Rockettopia Thanksgiving Concert was an epic fail after an unknown party filled the chorus practice room with helium. Although there is no proof of who is behind the caper, most students believe that the Strings have finally got their revenge. Some support for this theory comes from the fact that, although the Strings have held a bake sale every Friday since the kidnapping of one of their own, they had not seemed to have spent the money. The fact that the string orchestra record books are said to list 'Helium' as their highest expenditure is also a hint. The chorus has stated in a press release that they intend to get revenge.

In unrelated news, the Aeronautics club has tracked the principal to a remote island in the pacific. The student council is trying to raise money for a rescue mission. The balance of the 'Rescue the Principal' fund is currently at five cents.

In the auction for Cornpopper space, the Psychology and Ecology clubs are still neck-and-neck.

D&D Club Least Equipped to Handle Actual Troll

In a turn of events that surprized the entire Dungeons and Dragons Club, the D&D club was actually the least equipped student group to handle the troll that rampaged through Rockettopia High School on Wendsday. Although the D&D club leader, a self discribed 'Level 14 Elf Wizard', tried using magic to stop the rampaging beast, he was unsucessful, determining that the troll 'Is under the influence of a level 15 anti-type-6C-magic-shield-spell.' In related news, the D&D club has chosen a new leader.

The anti-cyberbullying club attempted to cure the troll's antisocial tendencies through compassion, and three of them were devoured before someone pointed out that 'It's not that kind of troll.' The ecology club withdrew to their ecological complex (i.e. Classroom with a lot of plants) to attempt to find a natural control.

After a few hours, the Robotics club defeated the troll with a giant killer robot. They said that they had not defeated the troll earlier because 'We thoguht it might give us more respect than the student council. But the council's going to give us a grant now, right?' The correctness of this statement was emphisized by the robot training a laser on the class president. We here at The Cornpopper hope that, in the words of the principal 'This damn school will stay quiet for a whi-' The principal's remarks were cut short as he was kidnapped by harpies.

To raise funds, The Cornpopper will be auctioning off a spot in an upcoming edition to the club that pays the most. The Psycology Club and the Ecology Club are currently neck and neck for first.

Student Sells Soul to Satan for CityCash

Yesterday, an unnamed student leaked the news that another unnamed student had told her that her friend’s boyfriend’s best friend had sold his soul to Satan for 1,000 CityCash.

CityCash, the form of currency in the popular Facebook game CityVille, has now become such an important part of the economy that 75% of stores now accept it as legal tender, and news networks issue daily updates on the strength of the CityDollar. “Looking at these facts, it’s inevitable that CityCash would become more valuable than the soul.”, said the president of the Rockettopia High Economics Club. “I think we can expect to see a lot more of this in the future.”

According to the spokesperson for the Psycology club, the soul-less student, who now wanders the hall looking for brains and avoiding glee fans, originally bargained for 10,000 CityCash, but was turned down by Satan, most likely because a soul is only worth so much, and Satan’s city doesn’t appear to be doing very well. “Anyway”, said the spokesperson,” this guy didn’t have much of a soul. He was in the D&D club, and they’re supposed to have an exclusive deal with Boccob.”

Sex in Sectionals

This week, the shocking truth came out that students in the Rockettopia String orchestra were using their sectional time for, among other things, sex. An onlooker reported this:

“I was walking past one of the practice rooms when I saw a girl walking in. Then I heard a brief conversation, followed by giggling and a flow of students leaving the room. Then the giggling intensified, followed by kissing sounds, other sounds, and cries of ‘Yes, yes, oh, oh, more, more, hehehe!’ I then quietly walked away.”

Despite the fact that the student only confided in his experience with a few close friends, the story quickly got around, resulting in the principal condemning the situation as ‘Shocking!’, the psychology club issuing a statement blaming the situation on the human instinct towards mindless sex. The Band also released a taped statement, “These shocking revelations show how mindless the string orchestra can be at times. However, do not use this as an excuse to condemn the entire music department. These allegations do not apply to the band.” The student body generally thinks this speech would be much more reassuring if not for the cries of ‘Ooohhh! Ooohhh! Yes! More! Faster! Oh, oh, oh!’ emanating from a nearby room.

The Chrous also released a statement, albeit of a different tone than the Band’s: “Why is anyone shocked by this? Isn’t this what sexionals is for? I mean, it’s sexionals, right?”

GSA running short of new Gay recruits

The Rockettopia High GSA fell short on new recruits from the freshman class, mostly in the ‘Gay’ department. “The GSA has more new straight members than ever”, said a GSA member, “But there are only a few Gay members.” The GSA refused to speculate on the cause of the seeming shortage of gay freshmen, but the Psycology Club was less reserved. “They’ve obviously all joined the football team”, said the Psycology Club president, “I mean, who could resist? The football team offers the ability to contort yourself into extremely sexual positions with other boys while seeming cool? It’s too good to pass up! I mean, how many straight boys would sign up for a club if it involved getting intimately close to attractive girls without any embaressment?” The Psycology club president was now smiling and brething heavily. “I mean, like, you know, when a cigar isn’t just a cigar!” The reporter then ended the interview for reasons he called “Obvious”.

String-Chorus Feud Turns Nasty

Yesterday, an unnamed strings player was found gagged, blindfolded, and stripped naked in the rain in Rockettopia Veteran’s Field. The violinist was first found by the football team, but was not reported for over half an hour, while the football team argued about who got to move her off the field. The argument ended with police intervention, but not before three football players sustained severe injuries and had to be hospitalized. Although it is not known for sure who perpetrated this offense, many suspect that the chorus was at fault. “The Chorus is barbaric”, said one unnamed cellist, “They’ll stop at nothing to win this feud.” However, when asked what winning the feud would entail, the cellist was unable to come up with an answer.
A spokesman for the string orchestra said that they would get back at the chorus, but did not elaborate on how.