Merry Christmas! Sponsored by We Are Toys

In the spirit of the holidays, News from Rockettopia would like to wish you all a merry Christmas or happy Hanukkah! And if you haven't gotten a gift yet, don't worry, our friends at We Are Toys are offering a special discount on everything! It's the time to save on obscenely extravagant gifts, like a phone so expensive it could feed a starving African nation for a week! You could be saving lives, but that's not important. What's really important is buying the new iThing 4S, because having an old iThing 4 is soooo uncool. But what's really cool is to indulge in ridiculously expensive gifts to help our super-rich get even richer! And don't think of all the starving children who don't even have a loaf of bread for Christmas, because that's such a downer! As Jesus said:

Blessed are you poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. (Luke 6:20)

I mean:

If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me. (Matthew 19:21)

Umm... I mean:

For it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. (Luke 18:25)

Errr...

But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you. You will be repaid at the resurrection of the just." (Luke 14:13-14)

STOP IT!!

Anyway, JUST BUY USELESS $H!T, DAMMIT!