Wednesday, February 27, 2013

In Another Horrifying Bloodbath, Orch Dorks Meet Orc Dorks

Clearly, the Science Club has not learned their lesson about altering space-time for an ill-advised prank. This time, the particle accelerator was used to introduce members of the orchestra, self-proclimed 'Orch Dorks', to enormus green axe-wielding glasses-wearing monsters from Azaroth, known to themselves as 'Arrggghhhh!!!!!' and to others as 'Orc Dorks. The results were predictable, with six musicians hospitalized, five violins destroyed, and eight lrage, green, new recruits for the New England Patriots.

The Science Club has been banned from the Particle Accelerator for two months by order of the vice principal, who has not been seen since and is suspected to be in a Black Hole somewhere.

Monday, February 18, 2013

'Downton Abbey: Season 4' to feature alarmingly high body count

        Viewers across the country were shocked and horrified at the violent conclusion to the third season of the hit TV show 'Downton Abbey'. We here at News from Rockettopia won't give away the ending, but for those of you who haven't seen it yet, it's probably better you remain ignorant. Ten minutes after the conclusion of the season finale, a Public Policy Polling Center poll showed that of Downton Abbey viewers, 60% were 'Shocked and outraged' by the ending, 20% were halfway to the phone when it stopped ringing, 1% thought the ending was 'right', 4% were in the middle of saying likewise when the call ended with screams and cries of 'How dare you!', and fifteen percent were searching for muskets and/or pitchforks.
        Within eight hours of the traumatic end of the show, the hacker group Anonymous, and let's face it, our favorite people EVER, had, through semi-legal-ish means, acquired the script for season 4. Analysts studying the script, which is available HERE, noted 'A shockingly high body count.

*******************SPOILER ALERT**********************

       In the first episode, the family loses all their money in the economic crash of 1930. Tom Branson commits suicide in disgrace and the family is forced to begin robbing banks to keep Downton afloat. In the second episode, a mad killer infiltrates the house and kills Lady Mary, James, and the dog from the intro, before being killed by Thomas at the cost of his own life. The killer is unmasked and revealed to be the Dowager Countess Violet high on bath salts. The season continues with approximately 1.7 deaths per episode (You may think this is an absurd example of the law of averages, but Daisy the kitchen maid dies painfully over the course of two episodes.). In the end, the entire estate is burnt alive in the mansion, save O'Brian, everyone's least favorite character, who, it turns out, is the one telling the story eighty years later. The season ends with a half-hour performance of 'Adagio for Strings', concluding with the entire orchestra dying of simultaneous heart attacks.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

RSHN Anchor Falls Asleep During Broadcast

        Students were shocked and horrified today when Rockettopia High School News' main anchor fell asleep halfway through his broadcast. This is a real change, as previously the drowsiness caused by RHSN had been limited to the viewers of the broadcast, with three-minute broadcasts often followed by necessary ten-minute breaks for waking up the students.
        However, today's broadcast focusing on Philosophy Midterm Question Four Theory resulted in the anchor actually falling asleep halfway through saying, "David Schienfeld is the head of the philosophy department at RHS and has spent four years in Tibet studying the art of writing the perfect question four on a midter...". However, many have praised the anchor for his exceptional endurance, as most of the school had not made it past three words.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Detective Club 'Confused' by Mysterious Posters

Unfortunately, even Rockettopia High's best sleuths were unable to interpret the enigmatic posters that appeared across Rockettopia High School this week. The posters, which are small and uninteresting enough to be ignored by most, feature a picture of something, no one's sure what, and some text giving a general description of the event. The majority opinion is that the picture is probably of Africa, but a significant minority believes that it is a poorly-drawn octopus. The text explains that there is a bake sale on February 15th. The words 'World Challenge 2014' also appear on the poster, although there is no context. The poster fails to identify the club holding the bake sale or what the sale is funding.
When confused students Googled the phrase 'World Challenge 2014', the results failed satisfy questions, all that could be discovered is that it is some sort of charity thing. The only response left was to call in the Detective Club. After hours of searching, the Detective Club came to the conclusion that the posters may be the work of the Global Action Club, or GAC. The GAC is a club devoted to action on global issues. Their inconveniently-timed meetings at five AM on Mondays are spent either making poorly-spelled posters about global issues for students to ignore and griping about how the community service requirement is WAAAY too high.
The Global Action Club could not be reached for comment.

In unrelated news, a poll by the Political Club showed that a majority of RHS students are not amused by humor involving the State of the Union Address, and, in fact, have no idea what said address is. 60% of students thought it was where people send their letters to congress.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Instead of Kim Kardashian, RHS Pop Culture Club Accidentally Books Kim Jong-Un for Seminar; Surprised to get Someone so Intelligent and Popular

        After a startling booking mistake last Friday, the RHS Pop Culture Club accidentally booked North Korean Dictator and possible psychopath Kim Jong-un to speak instead of American pointless celebrity and possible psychopath Kim Kardashian. Kim Kardashian, who along with her sisters Khloe and Kourtney are the stars of reality TV shows and nearly inspired the Ku Klux Klan to change it's name for PR reasons, was supposed to be a speaker at a meeting of the Rockettopia Pop Culture Club.
        The most popular celerity in his country, Kim Jong-un is known for recently calling the United States his nation's 'worst enemy', smoking a cigarette during a visit to a hospital, and showing compassion to his people by giving every child in his country a kilogram of candy to celebrate his birthday. Needless to say, when took the podium in front of an audience expecting a Kardashian, he got a standing ovation. 
        Kim Jong-un then proceeded to speak about how he had avoided the obesity epidemic that plagues America in North Korea by outlawing food, his archaeological discovery of the ancient Korean unicorn lair, and how his nation's tumbling-out-of-control satellite had already destroyed four GPS satellites, two weather satellites  a communications satellite, the only toilet on the ISS, something that the CIA denies ever existed, and Iran's first astro-monkey. 
         He wrapped up the speech by talking about how much he had enjoyed Rockettopia, and how it is now last on his list of American towns to nuke. He then received another standing ovation, this one lasting thirty minutes. An audience member later admitted, "It's not that his speech was particularly good, but that it was so much better than what I had expected.".