'Downton Abbey: Season 4' to feature alarmingly high body count

        Viewers across the country were shocked and horrified at the violent conclusion to the third season of the hit TV show 'Downton Abbey'. We here at News from Rockettopia won't give away the ending, but for those of you who haven't seen it yet, it's probably better you remain ignorant. Ten minutes after the conclusion of the season finale, a Public Policy Polling Center poll showed that of Downton Abbey viewers, 60% were 'Shocked and outraged' by the ending, 20% were halfway to the phone when it stopped ringing, 1% thought the ending was 'right', 4% were in the middle of saying likewise when the call ended with screams and cries of 'How dare you!', and fifteen percent were searching for muskets and/or pitchforks.

        Within eight hours of the traumatic end of the show, the hacker group Anonymous, and let's face it, our favorite people EVER, had, through semi-legal-ish means, acquired the script for season 4. Analysts studying the script, which is available HERE, noted 'A shockingly high body count.

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       In the first episode, the family loses all their money in the economic crash of 1930. Tom Branson commits suicide in disgrace and the family is forced to begin robbing banks to keep Downton afloat. In the second episode, a mad killer infiltrates the house and kills Lady Mary, James, and the dog from the intro, before being killed by Thomas at the cost of his own life. The killer is unmasked and revealed to be the Dowager Countess Violet high on bath salts. The season continues with approximately 1.7 deaths per episode (You may think this is an absurd example of the law of averages, but Daisy the kitchen maid dies painfully over the course of two episodes.). In the end, the entire estate is burnt alive in the mansion, save O'Brian, everyone's least favorite character, who, it turns out, is the one telling the story eighty years later. The season ends with a half-hour performance of 'Adagio for Strings', concluding with the entire orchestra dying of simultaneous heart attacks.