Friday, November 30, 2012

Special Report from the Korean Central News Agency

        Our dear friends at the Korean Central News Agency, the offical news source of the 'Democratic People's Republic of [North] Korea' yesterday reported that North Korean archaeologists had found the lair of the ancient King Tongmyong's Unicorn. The Lair of the Unicorn, which was ridden by the founder of the ancient Koruryo kingdom, is apparently located in Pyongyang, proving that Pyongyang is the legitimate capitol of Korea. But all anyone can talk about is the unicorn. "Korea's history books deal with the unicorn, considered to be ridden by King Tongmyong, and its lair.", remarked Jo Hui Sung, the head of the DPRK Academy of Social Sciences' History Department. Unfortunately, the editors of News from Rockettopia suspect that the international media, which is notoriously biased against the DPRK, will not take this important discovery seriously.

Editor's Note: We didn't make this up. Any of it. You can read all about it here:

"Breaking Dawn: Part 2" represents "Monumental Breakthrough" in Enhanced Interrogation Tecniques

    Since the release of the much-anticipated film "The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2" a few weeks ago, the film has been praised by teenage girls and condemned by just about everyone else. There is, however, an exception: The CIA. As a CIA administrator who declined to be named remarked: "My daughter begged me to let her go to this movie, but I had heard bad things about it, so I decided to see it myself first. After the first few minutes, I was clawing at my eyes and waiting for death to take me. But then it hit me: This would be a great EIT!"
        EITs, or Enhanced Interrogation Techniques  are modern forms of torture used by CIA agents at America's Guantanamo Bay facility to extract information from suspected terrorists. The Idea of using Twilight to get people to talk quickly gained popularity among the CIA. The president of the United States Government's Guantanamo Military Commission, which oversees the Guantanamo Prison, commented: "These people are hardened criminals. They can handle having water poured up their noses or being deprived of sleep for days on end, but no man, no matter how strong, can stand 2 hours of sparkling vampire romance."
        The initial trials are going well. As another CIA agent commented: "There was this guy, Mahmoud, who we just couldn't get to talk. We tried everything: Waterboarding, Sleep deprivation, shouting, but nothing seemed to work. Then we set him up in the 'Vampire Room' and in fifteen minutes he was spilling his guts. The information gained from Mahmoud has resulted al Quada's number two man being killed five times in two days, and..." At this point, the agent trailed off, becoming increasingly concerned with the laser scope point on his head. Our reporter decided it was time to go.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Blogger Claims to No Longer be a Condescending Jerk

After a few months of contemplation, Rockettopia High School's self-proclaimed 'Greatest Blogger' claimed that he was ready to stop being a Holier-than-thou, condescending, jerk. He claims that this happened after he realized that being mean to people, even imaginary ones, was not funny, but considering who this is, someone most likely told him. He will now be writing articles that will be less nasty, and more importantly, actually funny. Critics disagree on which of these two statements is more completely absurd.