Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Facebook Continues Campaign to Become Abandoned and Obsolete

The Social Media giant Facebook today warned announced that this Thursday would see an escalation of its running campaign to slip into obsolescence. The campaign, code-named "Operation MySpace", began with the introduction of "Sponsored Stories" in 2011 and has escalated continuously ever since. When News from Rockettopia asked an employee, who declined to be named, about the campaign, she told us: "I was involved in Operation MySpace from the beginning. We thought that 'Sponsored Stories', you know, making unsuspecting customers into spokespeople for 55-gallon barrels of lube, would do the trick, but they just kept coming!" A weapon of mass frustration was launched later that year with the timeline bug feature, which persists to this day despite calls by everyone, ever to remove it. Facebook continued the campaign into 2012 with the introduction of mobile ads to clog up smartphone screens and hopefully drive customers away to Twitter, Tumblr, or Pintrest. And all this time, Facebook made it very clear that they would sell any personal information on a user to any client with the money.
"Quite frankly, I'm surprised that there's anyone still on Facebook at this point,", our informant told us. "I would think that at this point they'd be desperate enough to go to Google+ if need be, but we seem to have underestimated the power of brand loyalty. But we haven't given up yet."
Facebook hopes that their new autoplaying video ads in users' newsfeeds and the taunting launch of the dislike button only for private messages will manage to disgust their customer base enough to end Facebook's run as a top Social Networking site. Our contact, however, is skeptical. "If we haven't managed to drive away every man, woman, and child on Earth by now, there's no hope. We'll try, but nothing could possibly break Facebook except turning off every server in the world. That or an influx of parents."


Sunday, December 15, 2013

Study Shows 2013 Not Over Yet

A new study released yesterday has demonstrated conclusively that the year 2013 is not yet over. The study, which has shown that there may be as many as sixteen days left in 2013 as of today, has caused panic among major news organizations which, under the impression that 2013 had ended last week, had released their various stats, lists, and 'Top 10's of 2013. As the author of the study said, "Although many people seem to be under the impression that 2013 is over, our findings show that this is not the case. So there's still time for a few memorable events. President Obama could go on a public bath salts binge! North Korea could invade South Korea! Justin Bieber could do something! Congress could pass more than the most basic legislation! Well, not that last one. But you see my point; it turns out that everyone has really jumped the gun here. 2013 is not over yet."
CNN responded to the findings by declaring the study fourth in the 'Top 10 Crazy Studies of 2013'.

Saturday, November 16, 2013

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is Not A Real Person, says study.

A study released today by the Journal of Things That Don't Happen In Real Life concluded that the embattled, crack-smoking mayor of Toronto does not exist. The study found that Ford's saga is so absurd that it doesn't merely push believability, it breaks right through the barrier of belief to the beautiful paradise of conspiracy. Ford simply can't be real, the study says, because people that absurd simply don't actually exist. How absurd is Rob Ford? Here's a quick refresher, helpfully provided by Jon Stewart:
Rob Ford
More Rob Ford
This man is f**king unbelievable.
Oh my god.
I can't wait to see what happens next!
Are you really still reading this? Haven't you passed out from laughing yet?
Since Ford has now admitted to smoking crack during a drunken stupor and is suspected of seeing a prostitute, snorting crack, driving while drunk, sexually harassing staffers, [I can't even think what to say here] etc. However, according to the Stupid People Research Center, stratigically located in Miami, Florida, Rob Ford does not actually exist. The leader of the study, Andrew Marinelli, wrote that "We here at the Stupid People Research Center have spent years studying amazing people such as Anthony Wiener, Herman Cain, Charlie Sheen, Donald Trump, and others. We have used this data to develop the Dumbass Scale to measure stupidity. The scale ranges from 0 to 100, and includes all conceivable levels of stupid. Toronto mayor Rob Ford scores 351 on the scale. Therefore, we have concluded that Ford and his actions are entirely fictitious."
Marinelli spends most of the paper describing the calculations involved in the Dumbass Scale and the thorough math that led the team to their conclusion. He does, however, take a few sentences at the end of the article to make some guesses about how Rob Ford came to not-exist. According to Marinelli, "Since we have virtually no data on the subject, we can only speculate on the identity of the person or organization that invented Rob Ford. It's possible that the Obama Administration invented Ford to distract people from the healthcare screwup. However, we think it's more likely that he was created by the Canadian government to make sure no one, anywhere, ever calls Canada boring again."
When interviewed later, Marinelli was asked why, if Rob Ford was ficticious, he had a record of public appearances, a birth certificate, and election wins. Marinelli responded, simply, "Math doesn't lie."

INS Note: Okay, this story was totally just an excuse to talk about Rob Ford. Will you forgive us?

Thursday, October 31, 2013

BOSTON RED SOX WIN WORLD SERIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Fans across Massachusetts, the state we will pretend everyone did suddenly not realize I live in, were ecstatic last night after the Boston Red Sox WON THE WORLD SERIES AT HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 96 YEARS!!!!!!!! GO SOX!!!!!

Again, Sorry. We have to maintain GO SOX! patriotic spirit here at News from Rockettopia.

Bostonians celebrated the Sox's victory, which shone especially when contrasted with the dismal season the team experienced last year, by getting drunk and yelling. This is known colloquially in Boston as a 'Wednesday'. When interviewed, fans responded ecstatically to the win, and many saw it as a sign of Massachusetts' recovery after the twin tragedies of the Boston Marathon Bombing of last April and Mitt Romney.

Wait for it...

GO SOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Sexy Halloween Costumes

This Halloween has seen a continuation in the growing trend of sexy Halloween costumes. These costumes, which are exactly what they sound like, are...
raise the question...
make one think...
interact with Rockettopia in some way...
Dammit! How can I make fun of this!? This is so stupid!!! The world has already made this dumb trend so extreme that it's a parody of itself. Normally, I'd take something stupid like 'Sexy Pizza' and 'Sexy Walter White' and 'Sexy Bacon' and 'Sexy NSA Agent' and make up things like 'Sexy Leatherface' and 'Sexy Mental Patient' and 'Anna Rexia' and 'Sexy Osama bin Laden', but ALL THOSE ARE REAL!! I didn't HAVE to make them up! How am I supposed to make something up to top that kind of offensive absurdity!! Sexy Barack Obama? Nah, that would be trying too hard. Really, once there's Sexy bin Laden, it's physically impossible to fall any further.
Please don't take that as a challenge. Please.

In all Seriousness Notes:
1. If a costume has the modifier 'Sexy' in it, it's probably something that should not be sexy.
2. Please don't wear any of these costumes.

If you want to be mentally traumatized, here are the referenced costumes.
If you want to be even more traumatized, here are some things that don't exist. This year, at least.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

RHS Religious Club Holds Pre-Halloween Seminar on Demonic Possession

In preparation for Halloween, the Rockettopia High School religious club will be holding a seminar on Demonic Possession in the auditorium after school this coming Monday. The speakers, who include professional public lunatic Pat Robertson, professional politician and bigot Rick Santorum, rocker and gun-toting racist wacko Ted Nugent, and the principal, will cover topics such as how to spot demonic possession, how to deal with demonic possession in others, and how to avoid being possessed yourself. All of these are standard demonic possession topics.
However, this seminar will also cover a topic specific to Rockettopia: How to tell the difference between Demonic Possession and drugs. the topic will be covered in depth in a two-hour joint lecture by the Reverend Terry Jones and a local teenager known as Cool Jim, who will discuss the similarities and differences between Demonic Possession and common drugs like LSD and Meth. Although anyone who has everyday encounters with drug users (Read: Everyone) is strongly encouraged to attend, the website for the seminar has put out a few simple tips:
If the person is talking about demons, Satan or the devil, you should at least look closely for other signs of Demonic Possession.
If the person attempts to conceal their symptoms, it's a strong sign of demonic possession.
A change in eye color is a sure sign of demonic possession.
Remember: If a person turns out to be just on drugs, do the polite thing and pretend not to notice.
The RHS Wicca Club will be holding its own seminar at the same date and time to discuss similar issues. Their seminar, which will be held in the local cemetery, will discuss the positive impacts of demonic possession and debunk some major urban legands about the 'dangers' of the condition.

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Congress Now Wishing it was as Popular as Iran

In a series of new interviews with anonymous congresspeople, ABC News found that, as of Saturday, a majority of Congress wishes it was as popular as Iran. As the government shutdown crisis continues and the Debt Ceiling looms, Congress' popularity among Americans has slipped to 5%, less popular than hemorrhoids and toenail fungus. At the same time, Iran has shown a marked spike in popularity as it's new president Hassan Rouhani has shown himself to be less threaten-people-with-nukes-especially-Israel-y than his predecessor. As Iran has admitted UN inspectors to confirm that its nuclear is purely for peaceful purposes.
Likely due to a combination of these factors, Congress' approval rating is now far below that of Iran, which recently got a fifteen percent global approval rating, which in Congress is known as a "High point". So it's not surprising that John Boehner is growing a beard and many Congresspeople wish they could have Iran's public approval.
However, despite Congress' best efforts, their popularity seems to just keep plummeting. Another poll has shown that the phrase "It's scary that these wackos have nuclear weapons." is applied more to Congress than to Iran and North Korea combined, and a significant number of Americans are considering moving to a place like Russia, where the one guy makes all the terrible decisions without having to argue with anyone.

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Shutdown Beginning to Impact Congress' Ability to Do Nothing

With the shutdown of the United States Government in it's eleventh day, journalists have begun to report an impact in Congress' ability to do nothing at all. According to The Newslo, "The last week and a half have seen a marked drop in Congressional inaction. If the shutdown continues, congress' ability to argue pointlessly and fail to accomplish even the most basic tasks may be altogether compromised."
Worse still, if the shutdown continues, we might actually start noticing.

Monday, September 23, 2013

Rockettopia High School RADD Club: An Overview

This year, Rockettopia High School welcomed a new addition to the club scene: The Rockettopians Against Destructive Decisions, or RADD, Club. The  RADD club teaches students about avoiding destructive decisions such as doing drugs, drinking alcohol, and having sex. If they can make an impact, the club's "Adviser", Mr. Steinberg, plans to move on to eating ice cream, hanging out with friends, using the internet, and smiling. The Club was planned and named by a committee of teachers who apparently are not aware that the 1970s were forty years ago. The name choice was probably made with the slang term 'Rad' in mind, which was last heard from on June 7th, 1999. 'Rad' is, of course, short for radical, which makes sense, because here in Rockettopia, not having sex, doing drugs, and drinking alcohol are pretty radical decisions.
According to reports, the first meeting of the RADD club was attended by eight students: five students who had been dared to go, one lost freshman, the club 'Adviser' Mr. Steinberg's daughter, and a severely intoxicated senior who staggered into the classroom, mumbled some flirtatious comments to a poster, and collapsed due to alcohol poisoning.

Did you know: The Hawai'ian alphabet has twelve letters!

        Note: The RADD club was apparently started in 2009, but until now, the entire student body has been too drunk or stoned to notice.

        Other Note: Despite the odd aptness of the name, the RADD club is officially an offshoot of the national Students Against Destructive Decisions, or SADD club. [I'm just going to leave this one you.]

        INS Note: Drugs are a really bad idea. Seriously, it's a really, really bad idea. Avoid drugs. 80% of RHS students you know the drill.... But honestly...

Monday, September 9, 2013

Pirate Flag Over RHS Misunderstood by Everyone

When students at Rockettopia High School returned from summer break, they couldn't help but notice the pirate flag flying above the school. Most people interpret it as a taunt from Rockettopia's archnemisis. These people are wrong. A few people claim that it was put up by RHS students to start a war. These people are also wrong. In fact, the Jolly Roger over Rockettopia High School signifies what the skull-and-crossbones has signified since time immemorial: That this building is now under the control of pirates.
In fact, the school is now officially the property of the crew of the Merman Crackhead, a sixteenth-century pirate vessel that most historians refer to as a 'glorified rowboat'. The Merman Crackhead was believed until very recently to have been lost after striking a very sharp piece of seaweed, but it now appears that the ship somehow found it's way to Anthos Pond. If anyone has any knowledge of how this happened, please email the United States Historical Society and/or the United States Armed Forces.
After making the five-minute walk to Rockettopia High School, the pirates apparently seized control of the building, originally intending to pillage it, but after finding 'riches beyond imagining' (RHS Cafeteria Food is much better than Hardtack), decided to stay.
Despite the presence of eighty pirates and two monkeys in RHS, very few people have caught on. First of all, to an untrained eye, the difference between smelly poorly-dressed sexually obsessed delinquent alcoholics and pirates can be difficult to discern. Secondly, when we tried to tell authorities of the pirate threat, we were rebuffed with the reminder that nearly the entire student body is guilty of piracy. And most importantly, anyone who might notice the pirates are either sleep-deprived, drunk, stoned, teachers, or most likely, all of the above.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Violent War Erupts in Cafeteria Over Seats

The 2013-2014 school year in Rockettopia got off to a bad start yesterday when violence erupted in all three lunches over the seating arrangements in the cafeteria. More specifically, lack of said seats. As Rockettopia High School's population has grown over the last few years, the cafeteria, which was designed to seat three hundred students, has been unable to seat sufficent numbers. The school administration has already tried bringing in new tables, bringing in even more new tables, and as of this year is offering toilet accommodations as "Dual-purpose seating". 
Despite this, there weren't enough seats to go around, resulting in a massive food fight in which, unlike the food fights that occur every day, the victor actually mattered. "My brothers! This table is our last hope! Now fight, not for your wives or children or villages, but for NOT SITTING ON THE FLOOR!!!", a member of the Anime club was heard to shout before the club charged the baseball team. During the attack, he was hit in the head by a "Hamburger", but the doctors say his condition has stabilized and they have high hopes for his recovery.
The baseball club wasn't the only club to engage in outright warfare. The orchestra club broke all the rules and two clarinets when they deployed their instruments as weapons. Two people were severely poked, five deafened, and a police team is currently searching for three missing students inside one of the tubas. The ecology club and the robotics team were beaten severely by the football team, and stormed out vowing revenge. (In related news, the football team has acquired an indefinite full-team vacation to the pacific island of Fiji.). After going outside for te, minutes to "meditate", the Existential club stormed the cafeteria demanding more food, but of course, that's what they do pretty much every day.
Some students got extremely desperate and took measures considered wild even by Rockettopia standards; president Obama has warned that the United States will take action if the Chemistry club ever does that again.

The people to entirely escape the war in the cafeteria were the skateboarders, who everyone refused to go anywhere near.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Discovery Channel Employee Leaks Shark Week Conclusion

An anonymous leak from a Discovery Channel employee revealed that the network's popular Shark Week series would conclude with "An epic look at shark-based weather phenomena and their effects on human life in urban environments." When pressed for more details, the leaker confirmed everyone's worst fears and revealed that he was referring to Sharknado.

Sharknado is a Sci-Fi Channel TV Movie detailing what happens when Los Angeles is hit by a tornado of sharks. It first aired on July 11th, 2013, and was called by one critic "The most absurd thing on TV since whatever was directly before it on Fox News." Nevertheless, Sharknado became an internet sensation and was rebroadcast twice. The movie is scheduled to be in some 200 theaters across the country.
Shark Week, by contrast, has a slightly more sane reputation. The annual Discovery event began in 1987 to "raise awareness and respect for sharks"1. The event was also, like everything on Discovery, supposed to be at least vaguely educational. However, over the years, the content of Shark Week has gone from, "Look at the interesting shark!" to "OH MY GOD GIANT SCARY SHARK!!!" But the Week, and perhaps the network, reached new lows when Shark Week 2013 with a documentary about a team that discovers that Megalodon sharks are still alive (Megalogon being an enormous prehistoric shark that you should totally google). The documentary was convincing, entrancing, and according to the tiny text at the bottom of the screen at the end, completely fake. But really, John Oliver expresses the offensive bullshittiness of the situation better than I do.

According to the Discovery leak, the finale of Shark Week will be even more spectacular. Sharknado will be prefaced with a black screen bearing the message in large white text and voiced-over, "What you are about to witness is a dramatization of an event that top meteorologists say has a 90% chance of occuring in your lifetime.". (Our investigative reporters that "top meteorologists" meant an unemployed twentysomething who had watched Sharknado while drinking six beers. He was being paraphrased; his original words were, "Dude, this is totally gonna happen to me!") At the same time, this text will be at the bottom of the screen "This is not actually real. The events of Sharknado are in no way actually possible. Ha ha! Fooled ya!". Of course, the black text might not show up on the black screen, but, "That's the point."
1. Okay, I quoted Wikipedia, so sue me.

Note: Is Sharknado possible? In short, no.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

A Month After End Of School, Students Already Bored Out Of Their Minds

A new piece of original journalism by field reporters from News from Rockettopia has confirmed that, despite being only a month into the summer, Rockettopia students are already bored to death. By bravely venturing into the center of town, where bored youth are congregating to try to find something interesting, our reporters discovered that at this point, nearly everyone between the ages of five and eighteen has no idea what to do with their time now that school is out. "I thought it would be so fun hanging out with friends and swimming and watching TV and doing other cool stuff," a Rockettopia teen told us, "but it turns out that all that stuff only gets through about four days of summer." Some teens have even reported missing the time spent doing homework, which our resident psychologist has told us is called Stockholm Syndrome.
We here at News from Rockettopia hope that our town's teenager will find something interesting to do soon both for their sake and for the sake of all the store clerks hiding under counters with shotguns.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Ambassador Lands on Pitcairn Islands

Crowds cheered in the streets of Rockettopia when news arrived that an airplane had observed the new American ambassador to the Pitcairn Islands had successfully paradropped into his destination. Unfortunately, the details of the ambassador's first encounter with the Pitcairn Islanders has not arrived yet, as the only way to communicate with Pitcairn is through carrier albatross. Although the islands did have a few telephones and an internet connection, most of these were traded to Tahiti and the rest were stolen. There is no cell phone reception on Pitcairn, as anyone on the island can be reached by shouting.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Performance of Inherit The Wind Interrupted by Ape Offended By The Idea That They Are Descended From Creationists

Surprising everyone last night, the Rockettopia Middle School performance of Inherit the Wind was picketed by Chimpanzees who were apparently offended by the show's implication that they were descended from Creationists. Inherit the Wind, which is based on the famous 1925 Scopes Monkey Trial and endorses the Theory of Evolution. Although some people had foreseen a Creationist protest at the play, no one foresaw the crowd of enraged apes who showed up to demonstrate their outrage at the offensive ideas embodied in the play. As one protestor told News from Rockettopia directly before throwing his feces at us, "Ook Aak Ogga [Shriek] [Shriek] [Bam] [Bam]!" Our resident primatologist explained that the apes were upset at the play's insistence that they were descended from a creature as tribal, violent, and blatenly irrational as the creationist. Although she tried to explain that evolution merely stated that apes share a common ancestor with creationist, the apes were not mollified and proceed to cover her with feces.
Although most were surprised that apes rather than creationists showed up in protest, one member of the stage crew said that he wasn't too shaken. "When you think about it, the difference between shit-throwing apes and creationists is pretty minimal. I mean, one is a irrational, unthinking, hairy, violent primate with a limited grasp of language, and the other has the scientific name Pan troglodytes.

The enraged primates. 

Friday, June 14, 2013

Poll Shows That Among RHS Students, 0% Care About Student Government

A new poll published by the Rockettopia High School Polling Club Thursday concluded that Rockettopia High School students don't care about their Student Government. Among students polled who were not running for office, 100% 'Strongly Agreed' with the statement "There's no difference in what the different candidates will do if elected.". 83% 'Strongly Agreed' with the statement "A baboon could do it."
In fact, the only people the Polling Club could find who cared at all about the student election were people running in it. Even the friends of the candidates admitted that the election was not relevant to them. "I mean, my friend cares about the election, since he's running," a student who we, to protect his identity, will call X Wakazowkinski told us. "But even though she cares about the election, I can't think of anything she'd do differently then the other candidate."
We here at News from Rockettopia agree completely. Up next: How the federal government might be spying on your phone calls and might be about to cancel school lunches!

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

NSA Now Giving Dating Advice

With the news this week that the National Security Agency, or NSA, has all of our personal information and communications in a giant database, the question was raised, "What the f**k are they doing with all that?" The answer: Providing dating advice. In an attempt to improve the public impression of government spying, NSA officials are now encouraged to give dating advice to the people whose emails and phone calls they listen in on, said an anonymous source. "Sometimes when an employee sees someone who's really screwing up their relationship, it can be hard for a government employee not to offer suggestions.", the leaker from his hiding place, supposedly somewhere in Bhutan. "Now they don't have to hold back." Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel did not attempt to deny the NSA's new vocation. "I personally am glad that all these stolen personal records are finally being put to good use.", Hagel said.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Poll Finds that Among People Who Dislike Two Steps from Hell, 0% Have Ever Heard A Two Steps from Hell Song

A recent poll by the Rockettopia High Polling Club showed that although many people disapprove of the band Two Steps from Hell, none of said people have ever heard a 2SFH song. The poll found that although approval ratings for 2SFH were high among youth and declined among older people, without exception the people who did not like 2SFH admitted that they "[had] no idea what a Two Steps from Hell song sounded like".
The results of this poll surprised absolutely no one.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Rockettopian Appointed American Ambassador to Pitcairn Islands

To understand the full scope of this story, one must first understand the strange British terratory officially named "Pitcairn, Henderson, Ducie and Oeno Islands". Although five islands make up the Pitcairn islands, only Pitcairn is inhabited. It is also 3.5km across, smaller than Disney World. The current population estimate is around 48 people. Estimate because the island is virtually inaccessible, with no harbor or airstrip. The only way to get ashore is by longboat. Despite it's tiny population and one internet connection, the Pitcairn islands have their own top-level domain, .pn. The .pn domain became internationally known when the makers of The Hunger Games used it as the top-level domain for the fictional nation of Panem. Lionsgate studios, the producer of The Hunger Games, registered one to two domains for every inhabitant of the Pitcairns.[http://www.myhungergames.com/the-story-behind-pn]

Note: At this point, I have not made anything up

The Pitcairn Islanders are almost all descended from the famous HMS Bounty mutineers and their tahitian companions, who landed on Pitcairn in 1790 and have been there ever since. In 2004, the Pitcairn islands were briefly in the news when six men, including the mayor, were convicted of sexually abusing children. These men represented a third of the adult male population. Despite it's tiny population, the islands have their own national language, Pitkern, which has been described as 'Atlantic Creole' and 'Jar Jar Binksish'. According to Wikipedia, these are some common phrases in Pitcairn:
Pitkern English
Whata way ye? How are you?
About ye gwen? Where are you going?
You gwen whihi up suppa? Are you going to cook supper?
I nor believe. I don't think so.
Ye like-a sum whettles? Would you like some food?
Do' mine. It doesn't matter. I don't mind.
Wa sing yourley doing? What are you doing? What are you up to?
I se gwen ah big shep. I'm going to the ship.
Humuch shep corl ya? How often do ships come here?
Cum yorley sulluns! Come on all you kids!
I se gwen ah nahweh. I'm going swimming.
Lebbe! Leave it alone!
Cooshoo! Good!
Pitcairn is the British territory that assures that the sun still never sets on the British Empire [http://what-if.xkcd.com/48/].

Note: Still haven't made anything up

Since the Pitcairn Islands have only 48 residents and can only be accessed by longboat, many people were surprised when President Obama named notable Rockettopian Dave Westfield (RHS Class of 2002) American ambassador the Pitcairns. Westfield denies rumors that he got the job by calling Obama at 1 A.M. claiming to be a House Republican. Due to the significance of the first ever ambassador to the Pitcairns being from Rockettopia, we have desided to send reporter Sue Silverstien to accompany the Ambassador.
The Ambassador will be leaving for the Pitcairns in two weeks with an entorage of ten people. They will be delivered to the islands via airdrop, and the entire group will increase the population of the islands by 20%.
We here at News from Rockettopia look forward to covering this story.

Friday, May 17, 2013

A Modest Proposal: Improving RHS One Step At A Time Step 1 of 100257279129404975...

We here at News from Rockettopia wish to indicate a potential resolution to one of the great problems plaguing our local institution of secondary education: The fecal excretions of Boreal-North-American avians of the genus Branta Someone get the science correspondent away from the keyboard!!!
The thing, dudes and dudettes, is goose shit. Because dude, you know how, like, geese, like always shit all over the, like, fields and ruin all the, like, bugs, ya know, dude? (Someone drag the drug correspondent away from the computer! And while you're at it, confiscate his weed!)
We apologize for the inconvenience. The problem is, we have never had to cover goose crap before, so we really don't have a goose-crap-procedure. As editor, I hereby take control of this story. Now, from the beginning. One day, as I was knee deep in goose shit, as I know you all have been at one time, I thought to myself  "There must be a better way to run a football." While thinking about this, I lost the game. I also figured out a decent solution that I think will really take off. What does one do with pesky birds? One shoots them BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!!! DIE DIE DIE!!!! (Quick, inject him with some more sedatives!)
So... Kill the geese. But how? And then it came to me: A RHS Shooting Class! Since a baboon with  a wallet could go into a store and buy a dozen assault rifles with cash these days, it seems like it would be good for our youth to know what guns will kill you, and what guns will kill you and a bunch of your friends without reloading. So, a gun class including target practice on geese. The school board will object, but the NRA will probably donate money to buy them over to the plan. They'll be all over this. So, dead geese.
Stage 2: Cook the geese. The Rockettopia High School cooking class cooks the dead geese. Straightforward enough.
Step 3: Serve the meals prepared from the geese in the Rockettopia High School cafeteria, thereby saving money on feeding the students. I'm sure the students will be very happy as well. Given two choices, a poorly-prepared and likely contaminated meal made from an animal not normally eaten by humans, and cooked Canada Goose, I feel confident that nearly all of my fellow students will choose the latter.
So everyone! Request that the school initiate the Goose-to-food plan now!
Or just go and shoot geese. Doesn't matter to me.

(Don't let him see that I told you this, but his writing is terrible because most of our articles are outsourced to sweat-shops in India. This is the first time he had to write something.)

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Poll Shows No One Likes Westboro Baptist Church

A continuing poll by the Rockettopia High School Polling Club is suggesting that no one likes the Westboro Baptist Church. The Westboro Baptist Church, which stages extreamely homophobic protests at the funerals of dead soldiers, has been called "The most reviled group in America." by me, just now. The RHSPC set out to find out how many Americans agree with the church's views. The question was, "What is your opinion of the Westboro Baptist Church?", and the answer choices were "I don't know what that is.", "I'm a fan", "I dislike gays but think they're very offensive.", "I have no opinion.", "I dislike them.", "I hate them.", "I really hate them.", and "If hell exists, it has a special place for people like that.". After early issues, the RHSPC found it necessary to add a new response, "None of those options, not even the last one, can express my loathing for those scum.". In a poll of RHSers, the RHSPC found that most had heard of the Westboro Baptist Church, and in that group, opinions ranged from "I hate them." to the last one. Not a single student was found to like the Church.
To continue the search for a Westboro Baptist Church fan, the RHSBC scaled up their polls of students and still found no one who supported the Church. They expanded the poll to Rockettopia townsfolk and still found no one. Even after every human being in Rockettopia had been polled, not a single person had chosen "I'm a fan." or "I have no opinion.". With assistance from major journalistic organizations, the poll was expanded to the entire country, and when no supporters of the Church were found in all of America, the world. At the time of this writing, over five billion people have been polled, and not a single one has supported the Westboro Baptist Church. Mullah Muhammed Omar, leader of the Taliban, picked "Dislike gays but they're offensive." When asked about his choice, Omar commented, "The Taliban shoots teenage girls in the head, but those Westboro Baptist Church people, they're a little extreme for us."
Pollsters are currently attempting to contact isolated tribes in the Amazon Rainforest to get their opinion. Another group is using radio waves to try to find out what any observing aliens think. At this point, the RHSPC has concluded that, in all likelihood, not a single human being supports the Westboro Baptist Church.

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Goats Outraged Over Mountain Dew Commercial

After Pepsico released a commercial for Mountain Dew in which a goat is seen against a lineup of black men accused of assaulting an elderly white woman, the internet exploded into outrage, prompting Pepsico to withdraw the commercial and apologize, as it very well should. However, one group is not satisfied with Pepsico's response: Goats. Nibbles, the head of the NAAGP (National Association for the Advancement of Goat Peoples) was outraged that Pepsico thought it acceptable to portray goats as criminals, tweeting "Bleat maaa mehhhh baaa bleat bleeeaaat." Translated by the mysterious mountain man known as the 'Goat Whisperer', the tweet reads, "We here at the NAAGP are very dissappointed in Pepsico! Shame on you!" Pepsico responded that they had intended no offense to goats through the ad. Nonetheless, Nibbles demanded a boycott of Mountain Dew before leaving to rush to her afternoon milking.

Watch the commercial here.

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Poll Finds 50% of Rockettopia High School Teachers Cannot Tell the Difference between Twitter and Angry Birds

        The entire student body was horrified today when a new poll showed that among Rockettopia High School teachers, nearly half believed that Twitter and Angry Birds were the same thing. "I always just thought it was 'Angry Twitter-Birds' that all the kids were playing in the hallway. But now they say that Twitter is a 'Social Network'? Those kids and their gosh-darn gadgets!" commented one teacher, whose name we are politely not revealing. For those of you who live in caves without wifi, Twitter is a social networking website that limits posts to 140 characters, while Angry Birds is a front for Al-Qaeda.   Some students have been attempting to help the teachers understand the difference by writing essays in 140 characters and throwing bird-shaped objects through windows. Still, the problem persists.

Speaking of Twitter, we here at News from Rockettopia now have a Twitter account! As you probably noticed because it's on every page! Now be a dear and press that 'Follow' button.

Movie Director Severely Wounded after Turkey Attack

          In a terrible attack yesterday, popular movie director Colin Trevorrow was hospitalized with serious injuries following a deadly turkey attack. According to reports released by Trevorrow's agent, the director of Safety Not Guaranteed showed that this was certainly true in his case when six large male turkeys somehow entered his hotel and confronted him in the kitchen. Despite the director's attempts to hide behind counters and cooking implements, he was eventually found by the birds, which then attacked him seemingly with the goal of ending his promising career. Fortunately, a hotel staff member found Trevorrow under attack and called 911, then proceded to heroically beat the birds back with a broom, probably saving the director's life. EMTs quickly rushed Trevorrow to the hospital, where he is in critical condition but expected to survive. 
          Some have blamed the tragic attack on the Rockettopia High School Paleontology Club. A controversy has been brewing over the last week after Trevorrow, who has been picked to direct Jurassic Park IV, explicitly tweeted that his dinosaurs will have "No Feathers". This has sparked outrage among everyone who knows anything about dinosaurs, the most prominent local group being the RHS Paleontology Club. According to some suspicions, the Paleontology Club released the turkeys into Trevorrow's hotel in the hopes of injuring him or at least changing his mind. To counter these accusations, the Paleontology Club released the following statement: "We here at the RHSPC are saddened about the tragic attack on Colin Trevorrow, who we greatly admire. We are thankful that the animals attacking him lacked claws, talons, and massive teeth evolved for ripping through flesh. If this was not the case, the director might not be here today. We are sure he will never think a turkey looks silly again."
          The club has also been encouraging people to tweet Trevorrow (@colintrevorrow) about the feathers issue with the hashtag #YesFeathers. WE CAN DO IT!!!

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Earth Day Issue: Earth Complains about Week-late Birthday Parties, Green Team Hosts Cleanup, and SSE Hosts Coal-burning Protest

The planet Earth herself spoke out today to complain about the distressing number of Earth Day events sceduled a week after the actual celebration. "It's kinda annoying", the planet told reporters. "I just want to yell 'It was last week idiots!'" Earth has not spoken on the issue since.

The Rockettopia Cleanup Committee has a massive cleanup planned for this weekend, a week after earth day (*sigh*). The RHS Green Team, which is helping at the event, hopes to see a lot of RHS students at the event. "We hope we can make a dent in this town's significant litter problem. We have a problem in this town with plastic bags, other bags, plastic cups, tin cans, plastic bottles, rusted car parts, rusted cars, and a stranded World War II-era battleship. Not sure how that got there." When we asked the president why RHS students should attend the cleanup, she replied that there would be food, but refused to give details. A team member who wished to remain anonymous told News from Rockettopia that the contents of the snacks had been kept confidential in fear of a stampede of volunteers. "We're hoping for a few dozen people, and a few hundred would be wonderful. But if we told everyone about the refreshments, we might be dealing with crowds of a hundred thousand and above." The team had apparently decided to keep the information classified after a computer model showed that volunteers might come from as far away as Montana, and the combined weight of all the humans might cause Rockettopia to sink into the ground. Still, the team says, all volunteers are welcome. [For more information, see INS Note.]

Not everyone likes Earth Day. For example, the RHS Supply Side Economics club plans to hold a Coal-burning protest to raise awareness about how environmental regulations hurt billionaires. "We're very worried that when the government tries to stop companies from, say, turning a river into a lifeless sludge flow, the government is hurting one of the most vulnerable groups in the country: Multi-billion-dollar corporations and their billionaire owners.", the president of the SSE club told us when we reached him on his private yacht. "If pointless regulations on the amount of carcinogens a coal plant releases into the air are kept in place, CEOs may have to lay off some workers to preserve their million-dollar bonuses. That would be a true tragedy, and that's why we're staging a coal-burning rally to protest this horrible attempt to preserve what's left of life on earth." As a final note, the president of the SSE club denied rumors that he practices kissing on a poster of Ayn Rand in his room. We here at News from Rockettopia could find no evidence of such rumors. In preparation for the coal-burning rally, hospitals in the Rockettopia area are prepping their internal burn wards for a flood of patients.

INS (In All Seriousness) Note: For those of you who live in...you know where, the actual cleanup is at 500 Dedham Avenue, Saturday April 27th, from 8:00 AM to ~11:00AM. Everyone is welcome, and you should come no matter how long you stay. I will actually be there, if that helps. Note: Deflate head.

Monday, April 15, 2013


We here at News from Rockettopia would like to offer our prayers and our deepest sympathies to those effected by the Boston Bombing. We have decided not to take the 'Onion Route' today. Maybe later, but probably not.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Police Sting Fails when Drug Sniffing Dogs Confused with Drug Snorting Dogs

         Recently, students from Rockettopia High School requested that the police bring drug sniffing dogs to root out RHS's drug problem. Drug sniffing dogs are, of course, dogs that have been specially trained to locate illegal drugs such as Marijuana. Drug snorting dogs are, of course, exactly what they sound like.
        Our reporters have determined that Rockettopia's drug snorting dogs were the result of a collaboration between the Existential Club and the Ecology Club. The Ecology club wanted to test their theories on the effects of benzoylmethylecgonine on the nervous systems, specifically the frontal cortex of the brain. The Existential club was bored and had too much money on their hands. The results, a few years later, were trained dogs that would quickly locate drugs, and then stop at nothing to consume them. 
        This all would have been harmless to everyone but the dogs and the ASPCA if the Rockettopia Police Department had not somehow gotten their drug sniffing dogs replaced with the drug snorting dogs. (The Spy Club denied any responsibility in the incident two hours before it actually happened) Unfortunately for the poor police officers, the dogs swiftly devoured all forms of restricted substance on school premises. The drug-craving canines tore open metal lockers with their bare paws and shredded walls to get their drug fix. By the time the national guard managed to restore control six hours later, all evidence of drug use among students was gone and the school had suffered over a hundred thousand dollars worth of damage. Fortunately, the school is expected to be fully repaired by the end of spring break. The drug snorting dogs have been sent to an addiction vet.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Paranoia Club Insists Angry Birds is a Terrorist Front

        The Rockettopia High School Investigative Club, also known as the Paranoia Club, today announced their new campaign to convince the school that Angry Birds is a front for Al-Qaeda. On past occasions  the Paranoia Club has attempted to alert the school that the moon landings were fake, that the CIA assassinated JFK, that the government brought down the world trade center, and most recently, that the government brought down the Sears Tower. Whenever someone points out that the Sears Tower (Now called Willis Tower) is still standing, the Paranoia Club responds, "That's what THEY want you to think!"
        The Paranoia club points out that Angry Birds is about flying things into towers to destroy them and kill things, which is basically what Al-Qaeda does. And now that you think about it, that does make sense... And if you add up the scrabble values for the letters in "Angry Birds", you get the same number as the scrabble value for "Al-Qaeda"! And that number is 99, which is 9 times 11! And if you take the first word in the Koran that starts with each letter in "Angry Birds" and mash them together... 


        [Okay, we got him off.] With the Paranoia Club's new press, we decided to interview the president of the Paranoia Club about his club's actions. "We don't necessarily agree on everything. We have conservative conspiracy nuts, liberal conspiracy nuts, creationists, Scientologists, birthers, 9/11 Truthers, Autism Vaccine People, and all sorts of others.", she told us. "We try not to argue about our differing views on what organization is controlling the world and what they're doing. We all work together to stop the abstract 'Other' that is definitely out to get us."
        Since their announcement about Angry Birds, the Paranoia club has seen a huge spike in membership. All of the fifteen new recruits will now have to be tested to make sure they're not robots.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Students Request Drug Sniffing Dogs for Rockettopia High

        A group of Rockettopia High School Students approached the Rockettopia School Committee this Tuesday to request drug dogs at RHS. The students were dispatched by the RHS student council, which has grown increasingly concerned about the drug problem at RHS.
        This problem was exemplified in a sting operation on March 14th that led to the arrest of two students selling Marijuana, Zoloft, and Tramadol. The student council immidietly expressed their disappointment that students were dealing illegal and prescription drugs, and the Existential Club expressed their relief that the police had not found the Cocaine, Meth, LSD, Bath Salts, Toads, Mushrooms, and Millipedes.
        The student council decided to act on the drug problem dispute half of the members not knowing what Marijuana is. When asked, one council member replied, "I'm not entirely sure. I think it's something like chewing gum. But it's really bad, I know that. If you get caught with it, the teacher asks you to stay after, which is the worst they can do, right?"
         After the local newspaper printed the names of the students who approached the school committee, the Existential Club told News from Rockettopia that they plan to give the offending students "An in-depth lesson on the fish life of Rockettopia. We expect them to be fully immersed and breathless with excitement."

Wellness Class Test Determines Which Form of Delusional Ignorance You Have

          On Tuesday of this week, the sophomores here at Rockettopia High School took the traditional Wellness* test to determine which of the two types of delusional ignorance they had.
          The unit was about something called the Locust of Control. This is whether one believes that all events are governed by free will, or all events are chance and we have no free will. There are, of course, only two opinions on the issue, both of which are delusional ignorance. There is no way to believe that some events, such as whether you win the lottery or whether you get hit by a car, are random chance and others, such as a test grade, are controlled. The idea that what country you live in helps determine your ability to climb the social ladder is quite frankly laughable, as is the concept that perhaps teaching students an oversimplified system of absolutes is a bad idea. The curriculum has been determined to be wildly successful by the teacher who teaches it and people who have no connection, and is expected to be included again next year.
          On a related note, a group of very confused RHS students have formed the Church of the Controlling Grasshopper. Meetings are Wednesdays after school in the cafeteria for all interested in attending.

*Wellness is what hippies call gym class

Monday, April 1, 2013

Today, We Salute Others

         Today is one of the few days of the year that other news sources raise their standards as high as ours (With the exception of some, such as The Onion and Fox News, which act like this all year). To honor the rest of the media who, just this once, are being really good reporters, I have decided to share some of my favorite examples of today's great reporting.

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Pope Francis Endorsed by Jesus

        Just hours ago, the new Pope Francis received a surprise endorsement from Jesus Christ. From his throne alongside the almighty in heaven, Jesus released a statement, "I am aware that I don't often do this, but I would like to state my approval of Pope Francis. I feel that he is sort of doing holy work." Even critics of the pope were impressed and excited about these words of praise.
           Jesus had not endorsed a pope since the official creation of the office in 366 A.D.
           "Although John Paul II came close, he didn't really cut it in terms of charity.", Jesus also mentioned during his endorsement. Although Jesus did not go beyond broad generalizations in his explanation of why he endorsed Francis, many prominent theologians have offered explanations. Many cardinals have pointed out that Francis has refused to wear the ornimental red shoes of the papacy [Insert 'Wizard of Oz' joke of your choosing here], decided to live in the Vatican guest house instead of the papal suite, used public transportation as a bishop in Argentina, and above all, extreme concern for the welfare of the poor. Non-church officials have speculated that the rumors that as a cardinal, Francis supported gay civil unions behind closed doors in Argentina might have to do with it. Whatever the reason, the church is very excited now.

Monday, March 25, 2013

In Concolatory Match, Knowing Stuff Team is Soundly Defeated by Trained Snails

        After their disastrous defeat yesterday on the public television show "High School Quiz Show", the RHS Knowing Stuff Team was not feeling very good (NOTE: We really, really don't want you to look this up). To make themselves feel better, the team arranged a match against the Ecology Club's trained land snails. However, in a surprise victory, the snails trounced the Knowing Stuff Team by a massive margin of 315-110. The success of the snails has been accredited to their knowledge of important categories such as 'Plants that are Good Snail Food', 'Slime Making 101', 'Snail Anatomy', and 'Animal Mobile Homes'. When asked the snails about their victory, we got this response:

Saturday, March 23, 2013

New Marijuana Dowsing Rod Fails

        Unfortunately, Rockettopia High School's trials of a $900 Marijuana Dowsing Rod failed when instead of pointing to lockers full of Marijuana, the consistently pointed towards skateboarders. As the teacher in charge of supervising the tests said, "The rod completely failed because we would be walking down the hallway, and a skateboarder walks by, and the rod refuses to point away from him. It was absurd.". The most impressive case of this was when the rod successfully located the guy responsible for the locker fire back in January from half way across the school.
        "We did try to use the rod for something useful", the aforementioned teacher commented, "but when we tried strip-searching a skateboarder, it ended badly. Three teachers are still in the hospital suffering from mental trauma. Get well soon!"
        The tests ended on friday, both because the dowsing rod was completely ineffective and because it exploded when brought near a member of the Existential Club.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

MCAS Rescheduled for Next Monday; Hundreds of Students Dissappointed to Find they Played Sick for Nothing

March 19th, 2013

         As a massive snowstorm bore down on our state, the government decided to postpone the MCAS tests. These tests, which have been praised by Satan himself and are also given to detainees at Guantanamo Bay, albeit for different reasons, were canceled due to imminent danger of the entire state being snowed in. However, some unfortunate students apparently did not get the message in time. We know this because thousands of students, almost five percent in Rockettopia, entirely failed to show up today. However, we were able to reach one of them via Facebook chat. For his safety, we concealed his name.

Reporter: Hello *****************. We noticed you weren't at school today.
Student: wtf is it 2 u ?u tnk us the boss of me
Reporter: Can you repeat that?
Student: daf**s the matter with u why u spyin on me u got a problem
Reporter: Can you type so I can understand?
Student: wadaya say
Decryption Expert: "What did you say?"
Reporter: It's not important. The reason we contacted you was because you seem to have skipped school to miss MCAS.
Student: "yep man i did ditch 2day so i wudnt have2 do tha **** mkas. 
Decryption Expert: "Yes, I did ditch school today so I wouldn't have to do the MCAS."
Reporter: Didn't you know there's no MCAS today?
Student: ya ik man im so pissed about that. whyd they have2 move it like that
Decryption Expert: "Yes, I know, I'm very annoyed about that. Why did they have to move it like that?"
Reporter: So you're disappointed that you feigned illness for nothing?
Decryption Expert: so ur mad that u plyd sik and nothing happened
Student: totaly. now if im sik again they wont believe me
Decryption Expert: Yes. Now if I'm sick again they won't believe me.
Reporter: [Off Chat] I don't think I can take much more of this.
Reporter: Thanks for talking to us.
Student: No problemo dude

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Les Miserables Prostitutes "Overdressed" Say RHS Theatergoers

        The Rockettopia High School production of Les Miserables this weekend was a tremendous hit. All three performances were sold out. All the acting was incredible and everyone loved it except the Complaining Club. However, one objection did emerge in many students who attended: the prostitutes were wearing too much.
        I'm not going to go into too much description, but it suffices to say that compared to what's considered acceptable at RHS, the prostitute's garb was somewhere around the level of 'Arab Housewife'. To see more skin showing, all one would have to do is walk into any classroom in RHS.
        The next most common complaint was that the three-hour musical was 'Way too short'.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Poll finds that 60% of RHS Students Believe that "Take Back the Night" club is About Controlling Raccoons

      A poll released earlier today by the Rockettopia Depressing Polling Organization showed that among f students asked the question "What does the 'Take Back the Night Club' do?", 60% gave an answer involving the control of Raccoons, Coyotes, Opossums, and other nocturnal mammals. The other 40% were divided among the beliefs that it was a crazy project to make the sun shine at night, a counter to daylight savings time, and an advocate for less homework. Only five percent got the correct answer.
        The Take Back the Night club is actually about preventing dating violence, conversations about which usually end up at the 'Does that really happen around here?' point. They sometimes do bake sales and other events to raise money and awareness about dating violence. In hindsight, they probably should've seen the branding problem when of most people who came to their events ended up talking about their trash cans being raided.
        We here at News from Rockettopia hope that after this article, the number of calls about wild animals every night to the Take Back the Night hotline will drop below ten. And we also hope that everyone who reads this goes to their events.

Saturday, March 2, 2013

"Art in Bloom" turns bad when Ecology Club Involved

        This year's 'Art in Bloom' flower and art show at the Rockettopia Town Library was a bit under par this year, as it resulted in three severed hands, two missing children, and one guy losing a body part he refuses to talk about.
        The problem began when the Rockettopia Flower Club, which normally arranges the flowers accompanying the art were somehow persuaded to allow the RHS Ecology Club to help. The Ecology club added many exotic plants to the arrangement, but this resulted in some unintended consequences. A library janitor was reported missing.  One display was found shredded by unknown forces, with nothing but a plant display nearby. When the exhibition opened, the reason for the strange events was explained: Some of the ecology club plants were 'overly friendly' 'flesh-eating monsters' carnivorous. The plants included six Venus flytraps, eight pitcher plants*, twenty-three sundews, and one plant that no-one would get close enough to identify.
        Although the Ecology Club had been accused of "feeding toddlers to Venus Flytraps" in connection with the incident, they insist that "The plants are only dangerous if you get within three feet of them, so really, if you get hurt, it's your own fault." Most are not satisfied with this explanation, and the Vegetarian Club has said it plans to get revenge by feeding Venus Flytraps to toddlers.
        The Rockettopia Garden Club insists that coming to view Art in Bloom tomorrow will be 'perfectly safe'.
You know you wouldn't get close either

*By pitcher plant, we do not mean a plant shaped like a water pitcher, we mean a plant that pitches globs of acidic sap at helpless passers-by.

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

In Another Horrifying Bloodbath, Orch Dorks Meet Orc Dorks

Clearly, the Science Club has not learned their lesson about altering space-time for an ill-advised prank. This time, the particle accelerator was used to introduce members of the orchestra, self-proclimed 'Orch Dorks', to enormus green axe-wielding glasses-wearing monsters from Azaroth, known to themselves as 'Arrggghhhh!!!!!' and to others as 'Orc Dorks. The results were predictable, with six musicians hospitalized, five violins destroyed, and eight lrage, green, new recruits for the New England Patriots.

The Science Club has been banned from the Particle Accelerator for two months by order of the vice principal, who has not been seen since and is suspected to be in a Black Hole somewhere.

Monday, February 18, 2013

'Downton Abbey: Season 4' to feature alarmingly high body count

        Viewers across the country were shocked and horrified at the violent conclusion to the third season of the hit TV show 'Downton Abbey'. We here at News from Rockettopia won't give away the ending, but for those of you who haven't seen it yet, it's probably better you remain ignorant. Ten minutes after the conclusion of the season finale, a Public Policy Polling Center poll showed that of Downton Abbey viewers, 60% were 'Shocked and outraged' by the ending, 20% were halfway to the phone when it stopped ringing, 1% thought the ending was 'right', 4% were in the middle of saying likewise when the call ended with screams and cries of 'How dare you!', and fifteen percent were searching for muskets and/or pitchforks.
        Within eight hours of the traumatic end of the show, the hacker group Anonymous, and let's face it, our favorite people EVER, had, through semi-legal-ish means, acquired the script for season 4. Analysts studying the script, which is available HERE, noted 'A shockingly high body count.

*******************SPOILER ALERT**********************

       In the first episode, the family loses all their money in the economic crash of 1930. Tom Branson commits suicide in disgrace and the family is forced to begin robbing banks to keep Downton afloat. In the second episode, a mad killer infiltrates the house and kills Lady Mary, James, and the dog from the intro, before being killed by Thomas at the cost of his own life. The killer is unmasked and revealed to be the Dowager Countess Violet high on bath salts. The season continues with approximately 1.7 deaths per episode (You may think this is an absurd example of the law of averages, but Daisy the kitchen maid dies painfully over the course of two episodes.). In the end, the entire estate is burnt alive in the mansion, save O'Brian, everyone's least favorite character, who, it turns out, is the one telling the story eighty years later. The season ends with a half-hour performance of 'Adagio for Strings', concluding with the entire orchestra dying of simultaneous heart attacks.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

RSHN Anchor Falls Asleep During Broadcast

        Students were shocked and horrified today when Rockettopia High School News' main anchor fell asleep halfway through his broadcast. This is a real change, as previously the drowsiness caused by RHSN had been limited to the viewers of the broadcast, with three-minute broadcasts often followed by necessary ten-minute breaks for waking up the students.
        However, today's broadcast focusing on Philosophy Midterm Question Four Theory resulted in the anchor actually falling asleep halfway through saying, "David Schienfeld is the head of the philosophy department at RHS and has spent four years in Tibet studying the art of writing the perfect question four on a midter...". However, many have praised the anchor for his exceptional endurance, as most of the school had not made it past three words.

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Detective Club 'Confused' by Mysterious Posters

Unfortunately, even Rockettopia High's best sleuths were unable to interpret the enigmatic posters that appeared across Rockettopia High School this week. The posters, which are small and uninteresting enough to be ignored by most, feature a picture of something, no one's sure what, and some text giving a general description of the event. The majority opinion is that the picture is probably of Africa, but a significant minority believes that it is a poorly-drawn octopus. The text explains that there is a bake sale on February 15th. The words 'World Challenge 2014' also appear on the poster, although there is no context. The poster fails to identify the club holding the bake sale or what the sale is funding.
When confused students Googled the phrase 'World Challenge 2014', the results failed satisfy questions, all that could be discovered is that it is some sort of charity thing. The only response left was to call in the Detective Club. After hours of searching, the Detective Club came to the conclusion that the posters may be the work of the Global Action Club, or GAC. The GAC is a club devoted to action on global issues. Their inconveniently-timed meetings at five AM on Mondays are spent either making poorly-spelled posters about global issues for students to ignore and griping about how the community service requirement is WAAAY too high.
The Global Action Club could not be reached for comment.

In unrelated news, a poll by the Political Club showed that a majority of RHS students are not amused by humor involving the State of the Union Address, and, in fact, have no idea what said address is. 60% of students thought it was where people send their letters to congress.

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Instead of Kim Kardashian, RHS Pop Culture Club Accidentally Books Kim Jong-Un for Seminar; Surprised to get Someone so Intelligent and Popular

        After a startling booking mistake last Friday, the RHS Pop Culture Club accidentally booked North Korean Dictator and possible psychopath Kim Jong-un to speak instead of American pointless celebrity and possible psychopath Kim Kardashian. Kim Kardashian, who along with her sisters Khloe and Kourtney are the stars of reality TV shows and nearly inspired the Ku Klux Klan to change it's name for PR reasons, was supposed to be a speaker at a meeting of the Rockettopia Pop Culture Club.
        The most popular celerity in his country, Kim Jong-un is known for recently calling the United States his nation's 'worst enemy', smoking a cigarette during a visit to a hospital, and showing compassion to his people by giving every child in his country a kilogram of candy to celebrate his birthday. Needless to say, when took the podium in front of an audience expecting a Kardashian, he got a standing ovation. 
        Kim Jong-un then proceeded to speak about how he had avoided the obesity epidemic that plagues America in North Korea by outlawing food, his archaeological discovery of the ancient Korean unicorn lair, and how his nation's tumbling-out-of-control satellite had already destroyed four GPS satellites, two weather satellites  a communications satellite, the only toilet on the ISS, something that the CIA denies ever existed, and Iran's first astro-monkey. 
         He wrapped up the speech by talking about how much he had enjoyed Rockettopia, and how it is now last on his list of American towns to nuke. He then received another standing ovation, this one lasting thirty minutes. An audience member later admitted, "It's not that his speech was particularly good, but that it was so much better than what I had expected.".

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Locker Fire Caused By Joint thrown by Unaccounted-for Pocketknife-carrying Student into Unused Locker filled with Inappropriate Clothing

        Sources close to the principal ('s cat) say that today's fire in Rockettopia High School was caused by an unaccounted-for, pocketknife-carrying student throwing a joint in a locker full of inappropriate clothing. According to reports, the student had just taken an elevator up to the third floor, despite lacking any sort of medical need, and was distracted while texting on his phone. The fire, which resulted in a complete evacuation of the school into the freezing cold, enraged all students who did not have tests during that period.  The RHS Detective Club has sworn to find the perpetrator of the incident and bring him to justice. When asked what they would define as justice, one detective answered, "Standing outside in the blipping cold for ten blipping minutes! After that kind of experience, he'll most likely join the clergy."
        The principal has used the incident to call for enforcement of the dress code, which is currently not enforced in regions including... the entire school. However, this announcement did have some unintended consequences, as today alone, five girls with skirts deemed 'too short' were found locked in the janitor's closets. Thankfully, they were not otherwise harmed. Some clubs also called for new clothing-rules that, according to the Rockettopia High School Civil Liberties Union, "Make Sharia clothes look like Victoria's Secret." But, even they agree, it would be worth it to avoid ever having to go outside in weather that cold again.
        Although the Pocketknife-joint-elevator-phone-clothes story is nearly universally accepted by the school community at large, some clubs suspect that this is not the whole story. Some religious clubs blamed the fire on Gay Marriage. The NRA Club President was quoted as saying: "If someone in the area had been carrying a gun, they could have shot that bastard before he had a chance to give us all frostbite." The Supply-side Economics club proposed solving the problem by cutting taxes on the rich. When we sent a reporter to ask what that had to do with anything, and how that even works in a school environment where there are no taxes, he reported that the Supply-Side Economics Club Spokesman pretended not to hear the question and just kept whistling until our reporter left him alone.
       Even though the name of the person responsible for the incident has not yet been disclosed, it has been leaked that he has already sold the movie rights.

Friday, January 18, 2013

Goth vs. Goth Prank Goes Horribly Awry

        Blood was spilled yesterday after a Science Club prank introduced Rockettopia High School's Goths to actual Goths went horribly wrong. The Goths were a powerful Germanic tribe that played an important role in the destruction of the Roman Empire. Today's Goths are people, generally young people, who generally, dress in black, wear chains, wear heavy make-up, and have tattoos.
        Since the horrible incident yesterday, some staff and students have been able to piece together an account of what happened. The Science Club apparently thought it would be funny to use the RHS Particle Accelerator to go get ancient Goths and introduce them to modern Goths. However, the two Goth groups did not get along. Only minutes after they arrived, the Goths were sent running back to the Early Medieval Age, with both themselves and their pride seriously injured. On the upside, the Archaeology Club now has an abundance of artifacts to investigate.
        Following the incident, the Science Club was banned from using the Particle Accelerator for two months.

Lance Armstrong Apologizes for Doping; "I would never have done it if I had known I would be caught"

As expected, Lance Armstrong confessed to using performance-enhancing drugs in his interview with Oprah Winfrey. In his own words, "I made a terrible mistake by using drugs to enhance my performance. I mean, not the same way Viagra does. A different kind of performance. Aww, hell! I realize now I made a terrible mistake and ruined what could have been a great career. I swear, I never would have done it if I realized I'd be caught! I mistakenly believed that even if I was incredibly good at biking, as long as I vigorously denied my crimes, I would never found out, and what the world doesn't know won't hurt them, ya know? I became an idol to the world because I used these drugs, but I ruined it all by using these drugs." Some in the media have called Armstrong's confession "unrepentant"(Sports Illustrated), "morally deficient"(ABC), "horrifyingly soulless"(ESPN), "Hey! Look at this cool touch-screen!"(CNN), and "f**king stupid"(Jon Stewart). However, we at News from Rockettopia still point out that, well, it's still a step up from every politician ever.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Baboons Object to Being Compared to Congress

In response to a spreading rumor that a collection of Baboons is correctly called a congress, the BaboUN, the spokesgroup for Baboons as a species, issued a statement condemning the concept.

"A group of Baboons is correctly called a 'troop', not a 'congress' [Source: Politfact]. But that is beside the point. Our real issue is the insulting comparison that has been drawn between ourselves and the United States Government. While we Baboons are well known for biting one another, howling at one another, and extreme feats of mysogeny, our species has never done anything to deserve the offensive label of 'congress'. Sure, we have our issues; everyone does! But just try to find a record of a Baboon tweeting his crotch to a woman across the country, or fillibustering his own bill, or claiming rape is the will of God, or listening to Paul Ryan. We are a distinguished species, and we will not tolorate this comparison. Please retract these statements, or we be will be forced to unleash upon you a devestating barrage of s**t, which, remember, is still cleaner than most of what congress says. And remember, unlike Congress, we are working to improve our reputation."

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Representative Bill Stoner: "I will vote to confirm Chuck Yeager only if Obama Admits he was Born in Lasagna"

        Rockettopia's representative to Congress in Washington DC said that he would "Vote to confirm Chuck Yeager only if President Obama admits he was born in Lasagna." Critics pointed out that it was Chuck Hagel, a former Nebraska Senator, not Chuck Yeager, the first man to fly faster than sound, who was president Obama's nominee, and that Lasagna is a dish and not a location (Did you mean Kenya?). Representative Stoner was unavailable for comment.
        In other news, the Representative's office stated that he was firmly and unconditionally opposed to the bill put forward by President Obama to ban all firearms, which critics pointed out was unnecessary as no such bill exists, and denied a rumor that the Congressman had engaged in an extramarital affair.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Speaker Boehner to Senator Reid: "Go f**k yourself". We're Serious.

 Editor's Note: As you know, this is a fake news blog. However, occationally some news catches my attention that is so completely comicaly absurd that I just HAVE to post it (These days, the standards are pretty high. For example, the North Korean Unicorn Lair a few weeks ago.) Enjoy!

        Last Friday, Politico reports, House Speaker John Boehner told Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid to, in his own words, "Go f**k yourself". Reid had publicly accused Boehner of running a 'dictatorship' in the House in order to hold onto his post as Speaker. Nevertheless, when Boehner instructed Reid to f**k himself, Reid replied with a surprized "What are you talking about?". To this, Boehner repeated, "Go f**k yourself." Boehner was later (We're not making this up) seen bragging about the incident to his fellow teenagers Republicans.

The Politico Story

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Philosophy Club: 'Don't Say That 2013 Couldn't Be As Weird As 2012'

        The Philosophy club has embarked on a campaign to make sure no one utters the phrase: "At least the next year couldn't be as weird as the last o- OW! That was unnecessary!" The club warns that suggesting that the bizarre and in some cases unessential events of the past year, such as the Aurora Shootings, the Newtown Shootings, the Oak Creek Shootings, the Clackamas Shooting, the Benghazi Attack, and Rick Santorum, could not be surpassed this year would be "Tempting luck" and "Not worth the risk". A leader of the club elaborated: "We're undecided about whether such statements actually effect the events that will unfold, but we're in agreement that it's definitely not worth taking that chance. I'm not sure the world could handle the kind of craziness we saw in 2012 for another year. At least there's no election!"

Senator Kerry to Resign; Take Position As Secretary of State!
Massachusetts Must Hold Special Election to fill Seat