Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas! Sponsored by We Are Toys

In the spirit of the holidays, News from Rockettopia would like to wish you all a merry Christmas or happy Hanukkah! And if you haven't gotten a gift yet, don't worry, our friends at We Are Toys are offering a special discount on everything! It's the time to save on obscenely extravagant gifts, like a phone so expensive it could feed a starving African nation for a week! You could be saving lives, but that's not important. What's really important is buying the new iThing 4S, because having an old iThing 4 is soooo uncool. But what's really cool is to indulge in ridiculously expensive gifts to help our super-rich get even richer! And don't think of all the starving children who don't even have a loaf of bread for Christmas, because that's such a downer! As Jesus said:

Blessed are you poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. (Luke 6:20)

I mean:
If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me. (Matthew 19:21)

Umm... I mean:
For it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. (Luke 18:25)
But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed, because they cannot repay you. You will be repaid at the resurrection of the just." (Luke 14:13-14)


Tuesday, December 20, 2011

New Religious Clubs introduced to Rockettopia High

Today, the Principal of Rockettopia High School approved the formation of the school's first Religious Clubs. Reporter John Smith talked to the principal.
John: "So why are these clubs allowed?
Principal: "America gaurentees religous freedom for all, so these clubs must be allowed to form. Although they will be using school premises, they will not have access to school funds, and will not give academic credit"
John: "You mean sort of like the Dungeons and Dragons club?"
Princpal: "Yes, exactly like the Dungeons and Dragons club."

Among the new religious clubs, one stands out: the Supply Side Economics Club. The Supply Side Economics club, believes that:
1. There is an invisible hand that guides the free market;
2. If we give rich people money and make them exempt from the laws, the invisible hand will be pleased, and the world will become a better place.
Although these beliefs are thought to be bat%#& insane by most of the school, some have latched onto it, especially the richer students.

The race for the Cornpopper article is over! The Supply Side Economics club has won the space with a very large bid. According to some investigative reporters, the Club was helped by the banking giant Chase. Although the sum of money paid to the Cornpopper for the space was not specified, a cornpopper administrator hinted that it might be more than the annual Gross Domestic Product of Rockettopia. These suspicions were reinforced with the installation of a NASA supercomputer in the Technology Lab, the planned construction of a Particle Accelerator, and the principal's surprise purchase of a luxury yacht.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Principal Returns from South Pacific Captivity Dressed as Hula Dancer, is Mistaken for Popular Girl

Yesterday, the principal returned from his captivity in the South Pacific, having escaped disguised as a hula dancer, and was promptly mistaken for one of the 'Popular' girls. It has been confirmed by the Rockettopia High Newspaper, the Cornpopper, that at least five boys asked the principal out before he made it the hundred feet between the door and his office. A member of the Psychology Club explained: "He was wearing a grass skirt, coconuts on his chest, a headdress, sandals, a ton of makeup, and nothing else. That is a bit more than most of the Popular girls wear, but the heterosexual wing of the football team still found him hot enough to date. Well, it's true that he was sort of sexy in that tiny grass skirt, with those huge hips and tiny, adorable, waist..." The reporter left shortly after. (Later research confirmed that the interviewed Psychology club member was one of the five who asked out the principal.

In the Auction for space in the paper, the Psychology and Ecology clubs are still neck-and-neck, although there have been rumors that the Ecology club will drop it. Competition has been getting fierce, with reports of Ecology Club members feeding Psychology Club members to Venus Flytraps. The Psychology club went one worse and forcibly lectured three ecology club members on Freudian Psychology.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


I apologize for the recent lack of posts, but my life has been tough. I always get depressed in the winter, then the Harpies took my car...