The Mayan Apocalypse PROPERLY Explained

        Okay, we here at News from Rockettopia have to apologize for out interview with the Existential Club, which we sorta screwed up. Here to give us the truth about the Mayan Apocalypse is someone who is undoubtedly an expert on Mayan culture, possibly the world's greatest expert, an actual Ancient Maya Ghost! Our thanks to our volunteer, who wishes to remain anonymous, who stuck a stingray spine through his tongue and used it to pull a string of briars through, providing the blood we needed to make the ghost appear.₁ Unfortunately, the ghost does not speak English, so we found a nearby Maya speaker. However, she speaks Maya and Spainish only, so we got the first Spanish speaker we could find to translate (What can we say? We're in a hurry!).

Interviewer: In the recent days, we've been hearing a lot about the so called 'Mayan Apocalypse'. A lot of people believe you said the world would end on December 21st 2012. However, people who know what they're talking about say that this is a load of nonsense. What can you tell us about it?

Transalator #1: En los últimos días, hemos estado escuchando mucho acerca de la llamada "Apocalipsis maya". Mucha gente cree que usted dijo que el mundo se acabaría el 21 de diciembre de 2012. Sin embargo, las personas que saben lo que están hablando de decir que esto es un montón de tonterías. ¿Qué nos puede decir al respecto?

Transalator #2:

Ghost:

Translator 2: ¿Qué? Nunca hemos dicho que el mundo se acaba, y mezclar cerveza con harina de maíz y agua salada repelente!

Translator 1: What? We never said that the world is ending, and beer mixed with cornmeal and salt water repellent!

Interviewer: Then what did you say would happen on December 21st 2012?

Ghost (Via translators): We want to remember things, and it's reassuring to think that I still remember it.

Interviewer: So nothing will happen on December 21st?\

Ghost (Via translators): Well, will be the next solstice and began b'ak'tun, which is cause for great celebration, but much more. I guess you can specify a range of ball games and human sacrifice?

Interviewer: Okay, it was nice speaking to you. Thank for helping us!

Ghost (Via translators): As attractive as you look, it is not acceptable to engage in such acts in public in my culture. 

There you have it! The world will not be ending! Which we knew already.

Guys, she's bleeding again! Someone call 911!

Sources:
http://translate.google.com/
http://www.event12.com/mayan_glyphs/index.html
This is really interesting and definately worth your time: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/ancient/cracking-maya-code.html
More about the Mayan non-doomsday: http://onpoint.wbur.org/2012/12/17/maya-cosmology

Footnotes:
1. They really did this. You can't make this stuff up. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bloodletting_in_Mesoamerica